Long Distance Jealousies
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Hi, I have a girlfriend that I have been dating for almost four years. I have been in the Navy for two of those years so it has also been a 2 year long distance relationship with some visits here and there.
She just started college about 3 weeks ago, and some guy has e-mailed her, talked to her, and met her at a wendys. She tells me he is from her old city (when she was younger) and that they are just friends. The only problem being, I am a semi-jelous guy, and my girlfriend doesnt tell me about these things cause she says I over-react, so I find out by spying on her.
I dont talk to girls because I am committed to her, and we used to feel the same. I dont know why she needs another guy as a friend when she has me. And I always feel like this guy will get her to cheat on me, since alot of guys, expecially in college, are like that.
Is it me that needs to change, or am I semi-right? Please help me!
I have a bunch of tips on long distance relationships here -
they are definitely not easy and take constant work on both peoples' parts. That being said, it seems like several things are going on in your particular relationship.
First, a healthy relationship (long OR short distance) always involves male AND female friends. To cut yourself off from all members of the opposite sex because you can't trust yourself to be near any temptation is on the extreme and untrusting side. If the only way you can stay together is to refuse contact with all 'potential dates', how is that different from insisting you each wear head to toe black robes with tiny eye-slits to prevent anyone from being interested in you? You're both adults. You both should be able to maintain your commitment to each other AND have friends to be a full person with.
To say "she has me, why does she need to talk to anyone else" is saying that a human being can survive with just one other human being to relate to. That flies against the knowledge that humans are social people, that we enjoy having friends, belonging to groups, going to social gatherings, etc. Being forced to talk to one person, and one person only, isn't love. That is obsession.
That all being said, the foundation of every relationship is honesty and trust. You must trust each other completely and rely on them. If your girlfriend is sneaking around and doing things, that is wrong. There are ALWAYS excuses for people who lie, and "I thought you would get angry" is just one of many. Every single person who cheats doesn't want to deal with the anger!! If she really is NOT cheating then why would she hide it? If you get upset about things, it's her and your responsibity to work through the issue so you do not. But lying is NEVER, ever a way to deal with a situation. If she can lie about this, because it's "easier than telling the truth", then she will / can just as easily lie about other things. And if she's going to lie about something as meaningless about "met him at Wendy's" then of course she's going to lie about anything more serious.
You need to impress on her to lying is NEVER appropriate in a relationship. That you deal with issues together. And that anger and jealousy is something all couples deal with. But to start lying to do what you want is the death knell for most relationships. She needs to take responsibility for what she does and for her role in keeping your relationship a solid, healthy one.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com