This is Karma
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
Up until “Oliver”, I’ve been struggling with always seeming to fall for the wrong guy for the wrong reasons, or maybe even the right guy for the wrong reasons. These relationships would, naturally, be very brief, and my period of temporary happiness would fluctuate with frustration at myself for “doing it again”—essentially, go through with the fling even though I know it’s both pointless and fruitless. I’m convinced it has something to do with some sort of complex of needing to know someone cares about me on another level other than just friends. Or the whole “physical need” factor. It’s a little sad.
Enter Oliver. Oliver has absolutely nothing in common with any of the guys I’ve chased after these past few years. He is passive, a little straight-laced, and a whole lot dense. And above all, Oliver has been my friend for three years (all the other guys were spur-of-the-moment almost-strangers). Ironically, my first relationship was with my best guy friend, but since then, although the relationship didn’t “fall apart” or anything that would scare me from another such relationship, I’ve never strayed into that kind of territory again. But right now, it feels like Oliver completes a part of me (not in a disgusting, sickly sweet way. I mean to say that I feel the most live and stimulated when I’m with him).
But as far as clichés go, Oliver is mad in love with another girl. She’s a part of his four person clique. Oliver, his guy friend, the girl he likes, and her girl friend. They are inseparable and do everything and anything possible together (no exaggeration here). It’s a widely known fact within school how chummy they are, especially how much Oliver likes the girl. But the girl has no intentions of being with Oliver and remains his good friend only.
In contrast, this past year, I feel as though Oliver’s view on me is changing. Several people have come up to me just to state in awe how I’m such good friends with Oliver. It’s not that he is amazing (no offense (: ), but it’s that he and his group of friends are so exclusive it seems out of the ordinary to reach a level of friendship as I have with him. That being said, I get hopeful sometimes when Oliver puts me in a priority above that girl, whereas he wouldn’t even think twice about doing that for even his guy friends.
I guess all I’m trying to ask is how I should approach this situation. I haven’t fallen for any close friends of mines (or even general friends, no less) for a long time, especially a close friend who is already infatuated with a girl he undoubtedly knows is not interested. Sometimes I want to yell at him because he can’t see that the girl is passively using him, but I also want something good to happen to him for once. He’s the kind of guy who deserves it, not because he’s persistent but because he’s earnest. Either way, I just want to know if in this sort of situation, if it’s possible, and ethical/moral, for me to encourage him to go one way or the other (either stay persistent with the current girl or move on, selfishly but hopefully to me). Also, what is your take on the growing relationship between me and Oliver? Thank you for reading this ridiculously long message!
There is a very old saying: "All's fair in love and war."
The only general exception is that you shouldn't break up an existing marriage or a girlfriend/boyfriend.
That is not the situation here so you are free to try anything that might work.
As his friend, you might try this (dangerous) approach: advise him to ask the other girl out and hope she turns him down leaving him to think of you. Also, tell him that if she says no that you would say yes. That will give him even more to think about.
You are in a reasonably good position here, you just need to plan well and speak well.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com