WHY NOW! AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Ok here is the scenario. I met my ex-boyfriend "Brian" 1989 in college. We dated for 6 months then, I went to his home in AL for the summer met his family. When school resumed we continued our relationship until the end of that semester (around Dec) At that time he was having a difficult time at our school, with his, coach in the sport program he was a part of, and some teammates he'd had a falling out with. He decided that the following summer of 90 he would return to AL and transfer to a school closer to home. I thought the natural progression of our relationship would either continue long distance or at least entertain the idea of me transferring at some point. He said to me when I ask about what would we be until the coming summer. He said that we could still be together but that once he left school he had no intentions of staying together or have me come there. I was crushed and refused to be a semester long (committed) booty calls. So we broke up and I quit school (that a whole different deal but he was just the icing on the cake for that situation) Well I quickly went in to "DOG" mode kind of loved em and leaved em, but a lot of them. I was nursing a very wound heart and ego. I really wondered why not me. Side note **my ex is white am I am biracial. I also wondered if he was too scared to commit to someone who wasnít white for a long term future. was it he just wasnít that into me as I was for him. Anyways moving forward, I get married to "Anthony" and have a son and move overseas. This is summer 92. I get a call from my mom saying that my ex is trying to find me. He sends me a letter letting me know how happy he is for me and that I played such an important part in his life and that he'll always love me and I wish you the best blah blah blah...Well of course this completely levels me. Side note** my husband and I married quickly because of my son. I speak with him and itís a nice friendly call, got it out of my system. I go on with life right? Wrong..I end up separating and divorcing my husband. I am now raising my son and pursuing my career. PHONE CALL summer 94. Calling just to see how Iíve been blah blah, sorry to hear about my failed marriage but he just knew I deserved better. Wants me to come for the weekend. Gets me a ticket. I go for this amazing weekend visiting him. I am once again excited at having him back in my life. BUT the long distance is discussed so "IT" remains open. I date and so does he. During this time he calls me randomly, here there, crazy times like after a bad date to tell me how bad it was, lots of times Iíd end it with a goodnight click in his ear. FASTFORWARD...NOV 95 I am somewhat involved with the man named "Kevin" in NY since that summer. My mother dies in a car accident. I call Kevin and he asked me "do you need me there?" I tell him yes and he chokes...leaves me alone. Several days after the funeral, I get my random call from BRIAN and when he asked what was going on, I reluctantly told him about my mom, for fear that he would give me more of the "oh I am so sorry for your loss crap" Instead he said "why didnít you call me Iíll be there tomorrow" he came down the next day and stayed with me for the next week. The coming weeks we talked constantly...that Christmas he wants me and my son to come be with him and his family. I tell him I need to be with my Dad and Brother during that time but that afterwards during New Years we could come then. He was very upset. I communication pretty much ceased again. I went to AL for 2 day business trip and saw him then and had lunch with his mom. He remained PLATONIC...I donít hear from him a gain till 8/96. Iíve moved with my son to CA I have a job and I am doing pretty well. PHONECALL- the usual what going on why didnít you tell me you moved, I want to see you and your son blah...
At this point i am to busy dont have time to deal. FASTFORWAD-12/96 married my current husband Jerry get together (rather quickly) and again PHONECALL- want me to come to TX with my son for the weekend. I say no and by the way i am married. Well again I still get the random call here and there. Till finally 12/97 he sends me flowers and tickects to a sold out Broadway play in town for my birthday!! That was it. I called him and said - "donít call me anymore, I canít be your friend my feeling are too strong for me to have you in my life. You canít have that place in my life or my heart anymore." He was very upset. Said it wasnít fair to him and that why I was doing this, it wasnít what he wanted. But I said please respect my wishes and donít call me. I cried but I did what I knew was best for my marriage.
FASTFORWARD- 2/99 I have just had my 2nd son Ashton. My dad is visiting me to see my new son in LA. I am getting somethingís ready before we take a weekend to Vegas for my dad. PHONECALL- out of the blue he calls and wants to see how I am doing. (Obviously donít call hasnít registered) I say fine, Iím going to Vegas tonight. WELL WHAT A COWINKY Dink! He Suggest we all get together for a drink when I get there. I say yeah sure. I get to Vegas and spend all my time in doors in hotel with my newborn. Not going to go out for a drink...we say maybe breakfast? He calls that morning we're leaving canít do breakfast...Oh well we'll catch up later on phone. I return to LA he returns to AL, catch up on talk. Heís surprised Iím still married with my husband. I sent him pica of me and my sons. Once again I donít hear from him anymore maybe this is it for real this time. ASTFORWARD 10/08 - My 20yr reunion has happened and all my friends from high school are reconnecting on face book. Who sends me a message ...Brian? I joined this site after my 20 year high school reunion last Saturday and found you! I hope life has blessed you over the last several years with all the joy and happiness you deserve. Drop me a note and let's catch uptake Care -Brian Well I reply OMG! Surprise, Surprise...and a wonderful one at that!
So you have joined the face book tidal wave, I see. It seems the 20yr is the magic # to rekindle and revisit. This site is awesome. I am so happy to hear from you. So much has happened since we last spoke, Iím sure for you as well. I'd have to write a mini novel just to fill you in. I hope life has been the amazing journey I know you so desire for your future, and that you too have been blessed as well. I would love to hear all about it. So I guess TAG ur it...talk soon. Xo me :-) I said well hey enough time has gone by solo I can finally deal with him. He writes me to call cause too much to catch up on and write plus his hands are full with HIS 3YR AND 6 MONTH OLD SONS! Ok all the more reason to know for sure that this is capable of being platonic right?! SIDENOTE*** been married 12 yrs now and itís been hard. My husband is sweet, kind, loving, and a good dad, I love him to pieces but when it comes to taking care of his family, not good AT ALL.
. I have had to do just short of magic tricks to keep us afloat sometimes. I decided to call the day I waited in line to vote. He said so many things that have my head spinning. He's married with 2 kids. 3 and 6mo. boys. He's married 3 1/2 yrs. baby before wedding deal. He seemed like it was well, more so about his boys, then anything else. But he went on to talk about, how things were in the past. And how he felt so immature compared to me, and that I knew what I wanted back then and that it took him to get in his 30's before he had himself figured out. That he always cared and deeply loved me and the memories we shared, that he was grateful for the past we had. He also said something that really made me do a double take. And he said if we had gotten married in our 20's we wouldíve divorced because he was awful back then...WHHAT DO YOU MEAN MARRIED??!
??! I never figured that in his mind about me. look at me in that light as someone he couldve married, let alone on the Richter scale. He acknowledges that he hurt me. He also told me how well he was doing, "not to brag but I want you to be proud of me" Why do he need that from me? Or Like His mom says Iím the one that got away! I was so overwhelmed by it all. I didnít want to stop talking. as a matter of fact I wanted more time and conversation with him. All the old feeling came to the surface. This situation with Jerry is not helping it either. With BRIAN it was never sexual, As a matter of fact, he was not a great lover at all. It was always that HE GOT IN MY HEAD AND STILL DOES!!! regardless. he gives me a sense of being taken care of, like a wife needs. I couldíve then and still would follow him. I so want that with Jerry but all I get am anxiety, fear, worry.
After all these years, Do i still have have a piece of him or does he of me?I donít know how to deal with that. I feel so tired of not being ok (security wise) for so long with Jerry. I miss being who I was with Brian..He the kind of presence that made a women want to follow him, respect him, admire him.
I called my male friend Gary to decode. He says that I was the one for Brian and he's now able and mature to say it all, ( with hope that maybe somewhere down the line there is a chance.) that I am the fairytale that got away. It means alot to me that HE "loved me and still has "a" love for me still But I gave and gave...and waited . What does he want now? I donít know if we could ever truly be friends. I would never act on anything. but I need more from Jerry and after 12yrs... I donít think I'll ever get it The questions are AGAIN ...WHY NOW! AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME! Would I be so wrong to ask him after all these yrs All B.S. aside what was I, and what am I to you? Why now? Was he just not that into me? Why this need to bring up, the "love & memories etc" ?JUST GIVE THE TRUTH AND CLOSURE WITHOUT TRYING TO "SPARE" MY FEELINGS. should i ask this or not & how do I?
The usual cause of this situation is that you feel young, attractive, and new again. It often doesn't go away with first loves... always dormant.
But your question is how to get him to tell you how he really felt all these years.
It's rather obvious, but difficult... just ask him straight out. You don't don't want bs from him so treat him also with no bs yourself.
Good luck! George
p.s. all the names in your post have been changed because we don't permit the use of real names on this website.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com