I want my Long Distance Ex back - so confused =(
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Ive been dating this guy since last april 2007. Because we dont live in the same city, things have been difficult for us. We tried to see each other every 2 weeks but it happend twice we didnt see each other for 2 months. We never officially broke up before, it was more of a fight. He is a very traditionnal, conservative and stubborn person and fighting over the phone isnt always easy to get your point accross. However when we're face to face we dont seem to be dealing much with those issues, they get solved. The distance and lack of communication made it difficult to understand one another and really count on one another. I always felt like I was always available but that he was too busy for me in his own life in his own city. We however managed to still date very seriously. He presented me to his family as his gf and I presented him to mine. We already spent weeks together one roof and honestly I had a great time with him and things were very good. When he's with me I always feel special but when we're apart, I dont feel as important and this, because he is very independant while I on the other hand like to share everything with my partner, even the day to day.
In July 2008 we fought about something, mainly his whereabouts. His story just didnt make sens to me. I didnt confront him first but he then told me if there's something bothering you, you should tell me for it makes our relationship stronger. I then confessed that I thought it wasnt too solid his story for it didnt match something he previously told me. He got mad and decided for the 1st time to break up saying he couldnt deal with my trust issues and that it was an accumulation from the beginning of me always investigating him. I think thats not fair because he asks me many questions (especially pertainning to other guys) and I never have a problem answering them and I always reassure him that he's the only one for me and the only one I love. And instead of getting that reassurance back from him, he gets mad and shuts down completly, ignores my calls or my texts and wants space.
He is a very successfull person, he works hard but he's living the good life. He has a great career and is merely 30, a great condo, but mainly good family values. What Im trying to say is that I feel his in a position of control and enjoys power and I feel that when I try to defend my point instead of hearing me out he gets irritated. Im not trying to win the argument, Im just trying to make him understand me.
Two weeks after the break-up we spoke for the first time by phone (although there were many txt messages) and he spoke to me calling me baby and telling me he wanted us to go for that trip we had scheduled (for our 1st year anniversary that was planned from before). For some reason, the trip never occured. There was a 2nd chance in Aughust, but he didnt end up coming because he was caught with a deadline with work. I didnt question our status and decide to just roll with it and take his ''break-up'' as him being mad. He even joked with me sexually and told me that he really tried to come and was willing to take an airplane just for one day to see me. I told him it was best to hold that thought for a weekend.
In the end of Aughust beginning september he had a business trip to Europe to handle for 3 weeks and he told me after his trip he'd come to see me. Before he leaves on his trip, I decided to confront him about us. He told me we werent together and we couldnt be unless I proved to him that I changed and that I could trust him. What he doesnt understand is breaking up with me makes me trust him less because not only does it create distance but it creates me to ressent him for walking out on me.
I then told him if we were brocken up why would you mention going to a romantic getaway together me and you. He said because it was planned and because ''I wanted to share a special moment with you''. I told him I wasnt a booty call so forget it. He got mad and told me ''I dont need to take a plane for a booty call'' and hung up angrily. He didnt call me during those 3 weeks.
When he came back I called him ( I knew his return date ) and he answered and told him welcome back home, hope you had a nice trip and made it very brief. Then afterwards we spoke and he told me we werent back and I told him I couldnt be friends with him. I told him that I loved him but that I deserved better and he kept telling me well when you'll move here or I move there we can have a real relationship but until then theres no point. And since I have no intention nor do you, lets just keep things like this, be friends, and if it is, maybe. I just feel like its not fair to be put on hold. You either want it or not enough.
A first business trip of my own made me be in his city. I had to go with my brother. I asked him the day before if he would be available but he told me not to come that day because he had many plans at work but to come the following week cuz he had a more flexible schedule. I wasnt capable to put that meeting off so I went with my brother but didnt call him at all that day. I took a plane to go and come back in the same day.
We then didnt really talk afterwards and played phone tag. Last week, I had to go back to sign the documents initially prepared the first time and I went with my friend. I didnt know if I should even tell him or not bcuz he was giving me the cold shoulder. I called him he didnt answer as per usual so I called his brother (very close to him) and asked how are things, if he knew where his older brother was and that perhaps I might be in their city the next day. He told me his older brother was working (night shift) and that he's trying real hard to get a promotion and that I should try reaching him at random times. The next day his brother called me but I missed his call. I didnt end up going. My ex messaged me also saying ''he was sorry'' (he's never sorry lol) and that ''he was really caught up with work and what was it i had to tell him'' ( i think both brothers communicated'' I then wrote him back (hours later) ''had something to tell you..and wrote his brother ''too bad didnt get a chance to see you, maybe next time, hope all is well''
My ex then ended up calling me at 5 am in the morning with an irritated voice and he was super awake. He was at work. He told me he was on his break and whats up. I told him well I was gonna go to your city but then...and just as I spoke those words...his tone changed and he became very excited. He told me he'd work double shifts at night so by the time Ide get there he'd be free. I decided then to go with my friend and her friend guy (which didnt please my ex). I met with his brother first and then he joinned. He hugged and kissed me friendly and we all sat down. I was very distant and cold and my friend told me that it showed that he was longing for you. We then got into a conversation about zodiac signs and their compatibility. He was talking about how his sign is compatible with other signs but didnt mention mine. I then asked him what about me and him in a friendly tone. And he's like ya...we're ok...we're compatible...and then the convo switch to the fact that his sign tried with my sign but my sign changed and became possesive and there was no point anymore. So my friend took my defense and said she's a great girl and an amazing friend and has the biggest heart i know out there. He then said yes and I dont doubt that but that thats where it ended and maybe one day but for now, we tried and didnt work, and that our values changed. (he wants a typical housewife, while Im very ambitious myself although I am very traditionnal as well and he knew that from the beginning and use to tell me how he loved it). We then got up and my friend calmed me and told me to not make a scene and play it cool.
His brother then questionned me and was completly confused and told me since when we're not together and how come and how he swears he hasnt been doing anything but work.
I then decided to go with him in the car and I mentionned wanted a certain candy and he made a quick stop to buy it for me just like that. We then ended up talking about us and argued and he told me ''you always undermine what i want, you think its not important but those are things that are important to me and you dont trust me, we tried, we're not in the same city, so do your thing (graduate school) ill work on my career and if it is in a year from now we'll update each other on our statu quo and then really make a move and until then lets be friends cuz i want you in my life. Its hard to be friends with someone you love. As he came to head out to grab something, I held his hand and he stopped and looked at me, and I told him ''give me a kiss'' by reflex, by habit to every time we'd fight Ide say that...He then just looked at me for a couple of seconds and then kissed me very passionnately. We then head out for a coffee all of us (the 5) and I was hugging him more and holding his hand. He then made a complete different speech and said, ''us guys we get confused but when we met a good girl we dont want to let her go and you 2 (my friend and I) are good girls you give the real package opposed to other girls who are just good for one thing'' He then even made reference to one of our special moments shared and it put a big smile on him and I even complemented him and the moment was nice. I also felt a sens of relief when he knew the guy was for my friend not me. He had questionned his brother b4 I get there who Im with and seemed bothered that a guy was there. I then had to head back to the airport with my friend so he drove me (his brother drove my friend and the guy) Before I leave, I come to kiss him and he's like no...I dont want to kiss you cuz i know you, you're gonna call me 2morrow as if nothing happend and think we're back and that everything is back beautiful between us but its not...there are still issues. So I just dont say anything and prepare my things. And then he just looks at me and tells me ''Why do you make me feel like an asshole? Im not the bad guy here'' So I tell him did I say that? And he goes NO! but you make me feel like one. So very calmly I look at him and hold his hand (I always get hysterical with him and cry and basically go nuts lol) I tell him: You're an old mature person, you've had more experience than I ever had, you're my 1st real bf, you've had plenty, you know whats right and whats wrong for you, so if you think this is whats best, im not gonna question your judgement, Ill take it cuz ur older than me and you've been through this before...He doesnt reply...And I c ome to kiss him goodbye on the cheek but he ends up kissing me and then we kiss some more...So while we're kissing lol I go to him You know that I love you...and he's like I know I know baby and kisses me more...and even came back after to hug me and kiss me again.
I got back home and I was really sad. I felt that although he might still be into me physically (he said he had no problem getting physical with me and I told him again I aint no friends with benefits - and he told me thats not what Im implying!!!) I just feel like its not enought to make him stay and its really hard to do something when he's long distance.
The next day he called me. He told me he got worried cuz I didnt call him to tell him I got home safe as per usual. He also told me it was really nice to see me and it had been too long. He told me to focus on school. He also mentionned that when he came and stayed with me for 3 weeks before that was the best time ever and that i was the best with his brother. He also asked me what my friend thought of him. I told him she was happy to put a face to the pictures and thought he was a nice person. He also asked me to call him the next day to see how the exam goes and told me to stay in touch and called me baby and sweetheart. I didnt call him. His words were hurtfult. I feel like he plays ping pong with me and I really wanna be with him but not at the expense of always worrying that he's gonna leave me or that he's just talking to me like that but ''we're not together''. Im very confused and dont know what to do.
Can you please tell me what he's thinking and how to approach the situation. I dont wanna ask him cuz I feel he backs off. I really love him. What do I do.
You are in the difficult situation of a long distance romance. Plus you're with a guy who won't be honest or open up.
Listen to what he is saying to you when he isn't physically with you. That's when he is going to reveal the most.
I think that beyond the distance problem, his work schedule is really causing trouble for you.
Until you are out of school and living near him you will be having these problems. If you are not being intimate with him that is frustrating him more.
There are a lot of pitfalls in your relationship and only gentle and caring conversations will resolve some of your problems.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com