My abusive husband says he'll change

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I have been married for 12 years - met my husband at 19 yrs old...was never ga ga in love it was more of a comfort thing. He has been verbally abusive and controlling - we had a few day separation in which he says he has "seen the light" and is attempting to change.

Prob is that I met another guy who is much older (spouse and i are both 33) I am really kind of ga ga over this guy and he really like me too. he is separated from his wife, says he wants to be w/me but he is not a homewrecker....

I am afraid to make any decision right now and could really use some advice..I am an at home mom - no income of my own - everything is in my husband's name - no family to turn to - what do I do?? Advice
Actually a comfort relationship is FAR better than a ga-ga one, so on that score I'm with your husband. On the abuse part I'm far far away from him!!! Nobody should EVER be abusive and for you to put up with that for 12 years is a feat of patience.

This other guy is separated, not divorced. I know it may seem like the same thing but I could tell you tons of stories about guys who claimed that and then never actually divorced.

So be patient. First, work 100% on the relationship with your husband. Give it your solid, best shot. See what HIS best shot is. If he really, truly has changed and you are happy, then that happiness is great, and you can have the other guy as a good friend too.

If your marriage does NOT work after your very best effort, and your husband's best effort, then I would first look for a part time job. There is NO way that you should be dependent on a new guy for anything. It makes you under his control which is a very bad thing. There are ALWAYS part time jobs around both in real life and on the web. Find one and get into it for a few months.

Then, find an apartment or room to rent and get your own place. It's tempting to move in with another guy but again, to jump into relying on another guy to 'take care of you' can easily set you up for trouble. You should at least know that you can be on your own and take care of yourself before you go into a new relationship. Dating on the rebound is REALLY dangerous and you need at least a few months to get yourself settled and sure of yourself. Maybe by then the other guy will really divorce. Maybe you'll realize that he's just not right for you. But you need to take things in stages, and work on each stage one at a time. That way you can see how one stage goes before you leap into the next.

Whatever happens do NOT let your husband abuse you again. If he goes directly back to being abusive, get a lawyer and start filing for a divorce. Get a part time job to pay for a place to stay and get on your own feet. You should never feel like you HAVE to stay somewhere because you can't afford to live on your own. If 18 year old kids can afford to live on their own, you can!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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