I Cheated, My Husband Won't Trust Me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've been in a relationship for little over 2 years now. We met thru my exhusband, well i mean at the time my husband i were in the middle of a separation, when we starting seeing each other. We would sneak around to see each other almost everyday. When i finally moved out and became divorced, i wasn't ready to become settled down again i wanted to enjoy being single for a while. He couldn't understand that, but i didn't care at that time. We decided to stay as friends but go out every so often until i was ready. I was pretty mean for whole summer towards him. Then finally i realized i wanted to be with him. Everything was fine at the beginning, we spent every chance together, going to the movies, dinners, long walks, and so on. We even moved in together.
Then all of a sudden he joined a car club, which i didn't mind at first but then things started to change he would spend all his free time with the guys. To top it off he works long hours.
See now here goes my problem, he found out during the time we were just friends i went out with someone else and that we even slept together once. Now he tells me he could never trust me again. Now he thinks i would cheat on him too, but i wouldn't i love him to much to do that. So now i can't go out with my friends, i can't go anywhere without checking in and checking out. But during all this he comes and goes all the time, he lies to me about where he's at (sometimes), he doesn't take me anywhere anymore. If i say lets go to the movies, he makes a face. If i say lets spend sometime together, he makes a face, but it never happens. He tells me the things he does now are the same things i used to do to him when we were just friends. We're constantly argueing, because now i feel insecure about our relationship, i feel like we can never resolve this problem and that scares me to death. He does tell me he loves me and that he wants to get married, but that when we argue he just hates coming home to me, because he doesn't want to hear the arguing or the nagging. But i feel like if i don't argue about the things he does that he will walk all over me. I just want him to respect me, i want him to spend more time with me, i want us to be happy.
I know i can't make him trust me, but how can i make our relationship better, how can i make him want to spend more time with me instead of the boys?. How can i make want to come home to me?
You can NEVER say that you have to argue to get respect. That's completely backwards. Arguing is a sign of disrespect. It means that you guys aren't discussing and resolving issues. Arguing is a sign of a breakdown in communication and respect for each other.
A relationship needs to be about 2 people who actively want to support and be with each other. He is actively choosing NOT to be with you, to have you simply as his maid at home. Sit down and have a long talk with him about this. It's fine to have friends, but your partner should be your best friend. If he actively doesn't want to be with you as his primary fun partner in life, then he should at least have the maturity to tell you instead of abandoning you all the time. You deserve to be with someone who enjoys being with you. He can't just keep you in a closet like a toy that he's hoarding.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com