She Asked Me Not to Come

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I have been dating this girl exclusivley for 4 months. Before that we were very very good friend for about 10 months. We hung out every couple days and every weekend all weekend. I even went home with here for Christmas last year. While there I asked her if she would want to take our friends relationship further. However, at that time she said she was not ready to committ to that. About five months later, she finally went out on another date with another guy. She did not tell me about it because she knew it would upset me. However, I found out and simply told her that I liked her too much to just remain friends. If she was going to date other guys and wanted to remain just friends with me then we could not hang out as often. Her reply was that she wanted to give us a try as more than friends because while she was on the date all she could think about was me.

So, teriffic we have been bf/gf since then. Things are great we slowly get more and more romantic but taking things very slow as we both belive marriage before sex.

Right around the time we became bf/gf she asked if I wanted to go home with her for a few weeks in August.(FYI she is from the west coast and only goes home to see her family six weeks out of the year. The remainder of the time she is working and attending college full time on the east coast. she had a very difficult childhood and was essentially raised by her grandparents and siblings. Also, in the last few months she was informed that her grandparents were both gravely ill.) Given that, I told ther that maybe she should got out for a week ahead of time so she can get some quality time with her family before I come out to join her. She decided that she was going to go for the entire month and that I should come out for 2 weeks i the middle. However, 3 days before I was to leaven and join her out there she called and said that she did not realize how bad things were and that she feels that by me coming out there I would make her stressed out because she would feel like she had to entertain me. She said that she really wants to put in some good quality time with her friends and family without having to worry about showing me a good time also.

What does this all mean? I really want to believe her but I cannot but help thing that there is some other reason because of the short notice? Should I give her the benefit of the doubt or should I be cautious? Any advice greatly appreciated. I really care for this girl but I do not want to be played for a sucker. Thank you in advance. Advice
Sometimes a rose is just a rose, trying to second and third guess motives can drive you completely insane. I think a woman with family members who are gravely ill is completely justified in wanting to focus on them, and only them. These are the most important people in her family life, and they need 110% of her attention and love. Most people in this situation would want to buckle down and do whatever they could to spend their last hours with their relatives.

That being said, it is also critical for people who are partners to always support each other, be there for each other. The LAST thing she should be thinking about, if you came out, would be to "entertain you"!! You're not coming out for a party. You're coming out to be with her and meet those who she cares so much about. And it sounds like this could be your last chance to do so.

I would walk a fine line here. First off, your primary concern should be for her, and if it really and truly would upset her to have the additional stress of you being around, wanting to make things 'pretty' for you and keep you occupied, then I would let her be. You don't want to destroy the relationship by having her associate you with 'the guy who robbed my last remaining days with my grandparents from me'.

On the other hand, I would talk with her seriously about the nature of a relationship. You only have so many hours on the earth, and the joy of having a partner is that you go through those hours together. Sure sometimes it'll be fun. But many times it'll be hard and painful. And the judge of a relationship is how people act during the HARD times. You don't want to go out there to go lounge on the beach. You want to be with her, and with her family. And now more than ever that is true. She will NOT be entertaining you, because she is not your servant! YOU are going out there to help support HER - to help clear the table, to help clean up, to give her a massage when she's sad at night. Your being there has NOTHING to do with entertainment. It has EVERYTHING to do with being a part of her life when she needs a helping hand. If there were ANY time that you should be there by her side, it should be now. This may be a hard idea for her to understand if up until now she's thought of dating as 'fun people going to movies'. But that is barely the surface of what real relationships are about. This right here is one of those tests of life. To send you away would say "you're ok for fun, but when it gets serious I want to shoulder it alone". Which is about as anti-relationship as you can get. What you guys SHOULD say is "this is a rough time, but together, by supporting each other and working together as a team, we can get through it."

Good luck.

-- from Jenn
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