Lots of Proof of Cheating - but he denies it
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am currently at a point in my life where I am as confused as ever. I am currently engaged to be married and the wedding date has been set for December 2003. The problem is that my fiance has cheated on me in the past and to this day denies it. Three of women that he cheated with me on actually called me and told me about. He said that they were all making it up and he had nothing more than a casual relationship with them and nothing more. Two of these women claimed to have had an abortion for him. When I found out I was terrified because it immediately dawned upon me that he was sleeping around without protection.
I also believe that he slept around with three other women, one married whose husband called me and told me about it, another who was actually visiting our country for a short while and another when he traveled to Houston for 1 week. I have very stong evidence to think that he did cheat on me with all these six women but yet he denies it all. He said that the women wanted more and wanted to break us up because they saw that we were happy.
He continues to tell me that he is sorry for all that he has put me through in the past and promises that it will never happen again but he did that in the past and yet the rumours of him cheating still continued. Everytime I bring it up he asks me if I ever saw him cheating myself.
This saddens me because i love him immensely as he got friendly to me in spite of the fact that I was pregnant with another man's baby. I just can't trust him anymore and right now I just don't know if to marry him. I know that he is lying to me. What do I do?
You know, normally I try to be REALLY trusting in a relationship. It's super easy for jealousy and false worries and everything to destroy a perfectly good relationship. So if just one woman was harassing you about him, I'd say she was a nasty jealous person. If two people came to you with stories, I would maybe think they were friends that were working together to get back at him for something. But six??? This is just way beyond chance occurrence.
Trust and honesty is THE most important thing you can possibly have in a relationship. This is the man who will stand by you, who will protect you and your child, who will care for you. You can't do that with someone you can't even trust. I can't overemphasize how incredibly critical honesty and trust is.
Think of it in this way. Those cheatings were relatively minor situations, compared to some huge issues that might come up in your future - say if he loses a job or has a serious disease or something. The cheatings weren't life or death, they were just "wrong". But if he can't even tell you about cheating - how can you trust him to tell you about something REALLY serious? I'm not saying that cheating is OK. But I'm saying that there are always things that could be even worse - say he gets someone pregnant and they keep the child - and if he can't even tell you about the 'sleeping around', you can never trust him if something *worse* happens.
On one hand, I'm sure you could get proof if you really wanted to. He can't have slept with all these women in their cars. You could get the women to each divulge things they know about him, what he likes in bed, the way he sounds or whatever. But really, what would be the point. He is just going to keep lying because that's what he does, and even if you "Force" him to tell the truth, it's not like you are going to cause a moral reversal of his entire life. Even if you do press him to confess on this issue, since he could lie to you for so long about everything, he's going to revert right back to that even more strongly afterwards. Because he's going to remember how bad it was to be caught.
I know it's hard, but it's not just you you have to think about here - it's your child too. This is a decision that is going to affect your *entire* life - for maybe 50 years or more. And your child's entire childhood is going to be 'ruled' by this man. Your child will learn "how to be an adult" by watching him.
You need to be strong, to rely on yourself. Marriage is a serious, long term situation. And it must be done with someone you can completely, truly, in all situations rely on. Life isn't easy. If you have someone who you can't even trust in a dating situation, that is not someone to put your entire life into their hands.
Again, I know it won't be easy. But find friends to support you, family to support you, and do the right thing. A few years from now when you are over him and with someone new, you will be SO happy that you did.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com