Three Months Into Friendship, I Asked Her to Marry Me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
First I should apologize for my language.
I've fell in love with my classmate in university (I study medicine). she is always in my mind.
I want to say rather the story. In the first term she was somehow different for me, but I've never thought about marriage with her because it was very soon for me (I'm 22). In the third term I gave her some questions to answer for knowing the people. When she gave me the answers and wanted me to say anything bad in her points of view or her flaws, I found one of her answers was so disappointing about life (she has lost her father in the first term, and she had written that I donít have any opinion about life, just know that I must live and enjoy it.) So we start speaking (about this subject and others) due to this event. I gave her some books to study, some as gifts.
At that time I couldn't think about marriage too (Because of the same reason and other problems like being from different cities so far away with different language and culture Ö).
It passed three months and she was always in my mind and it was obvious in my entire manner, speaking, behavior etc. A person offered me to think about marriage with her. I thought a lot and I've chosen her however there were so many problems in our way and I decided to ask her for marriage. (I should say frankly that I'm somehow a very special boy every where; I mean nice, successful and lovely man, as a whole I have special esteem. I'm sorry to say this)
First she said that you will be regretted for your choice and I said that now I just want to know her desire then she said it is very soon and emphasized it. Two days later I again ask her for a clear answer and after two hours she said that I don't want to think about this. I should add that every time that I spoke about this object with her, her eyes became red. Two month later (since then we had very good relationship that every time I wanted her come to speak, she came and we spoke so much in university; she don't speak with others) one of my friends wanted her to answer me clearly (I didn't ask him to do that but because of thinking too much about her, he was somehow worried about me). And she sent me an email that she has found the one she was looking for and she don't want to keep me waiting for her answer and play with others feeling. So I thanked her for her frankness and honesty. But before and after her answer she was and is so good with me and we also have very good relationship with each other by emails and chat and voice chat because our term is over and I'm now far away for about two month.
What I want to know is that if she really found the one she wanted so why she has this kind of good and close relationship with me that it is somehow strange in a religious society. She doesn't seem to be like the ones who always want to have a boyfriend or flirt with boys.
What I should do? Should I ask her honestly if she really has found the one she was looking for so why she has so good relationship with me or another problem there is that maybe she can't choose because she loves her mother and she can't leave her mother and come with me to a different city? But I should say that I really feel her attachment and liking (or love) in her speaking, writing and looking. Now I had finished my forth term. In addition I've ask her to say if any flaws she had seen in me and she said I and also my friends didn't see anything dad about you, you are the most submissive boy in class and so much polite.
First, I have to say that 3 months is hardly enough time to get to know someone even as a girlfriend, never mind to ask them to be your wife. It takes months and months of serious dating to find out if a girl is really compatible with you. It sounds like you rushed her and that she didn't want to make a decision with so little knowledge about you.
Most girls have guy friends that they care about. It's normal for her to like you and enjoy talking with you. It doesn't mean she is "bad". She can have a man she really loves and wants to spend her life with, and still have other male friends. That's what life is about, having friends. A married woman isn't locked into a tower and not allowed to speak to any other human being.
I think that you have to trust her and what she was saying. You guys are good friends and there isn't a reason for her to lie to you. She tried to break it to you gently. She likes you a lot, you are a great friend. She enjoys spending time with you. But she *has* someone that she truly loves and wants to spend her life with. She didn't want to hurt you, and was probably flattered that you'd consider asking her to be your wife. But her heart has chosen another.
I would be her friend! Enjoy your friendship and wish her and her love the best of happiness. And then keep your eyes open for someone that can be truly a partner for you. But this time, don't jump in after three months. Really get to know the woman. Three months are a drop in the ocean compared to the decades and decades that you will then spend together.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com