Rebound, or something else?

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Me and my boyfriend have been together for about five months now. He was in the middle of a divorce when I met him. We get into little fights a lot but we don't ever get mad about things. About two months ago he brought his ex girlfriend to visit him. He said she was just a friend and she was just visiting plus the girl is married. While she was down here she tried to break us up but it didn't work. We are still together. For some reason I feel like something is bothering him. He says everything is fine and I worry too much but I am not sure. How do I know if something is really bothering him or if I am just paranoid? Advice
Well first, you were involved with him while he was actively leaving someone else. That is always dangerous. People who are "on the rebound" aren't always thinking clearly. Their primary thought at the time is "my current relationship is awful!" So any sort of escape seems great. When they have time to reflect and think later on, they may realize that what they lept into is bad for them, or even just that they want more time to be able to decide what they DO want out of life.

So on one hand maybe he's thinking "I need some time to sort out what I *do* want in life." And on the other hand, maybe he's thinking "I have this great girl, and I don't want to lose her while I figure out if she's the right one for me." Because maybe you *are* the perfect match for him ... but trying to figure that out while recovering from a divorce can be really difficult.

Also, if he's just escaped from a bad 'trap', he may be very hesitant to commit again so quickly, for fear that he'll be trapped again. Especially if he has an old girlfriend actively showing him that he is "of interest" to various women out there.

In any case, the only person who knows how he feels is him. And the core of every relationship is trust, honesty and communication. Above and beyond everything else, you should be there for each other, friends for each other, supportive of each other. So sit down with him some evening when it's just you two, nice and quiet, full bellies and no pressing duties. And talk. Ask him what he thinks about his world, what he hopes from the future, and what he wants from life. Be open and non-judging. Let him say whe thinks and DON'T judge or interrupt. You might be surprised at what you can get him to say if he feels you're really interested in just listening. And if you're there and supporting him, chances are when he gets through this all, that you'll be the one he turns to to be with.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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