What should i do with him?
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
My bf and i have been going out for almost a year in college. It was serious, and I loved him and i had my close friends meet him. For some reason, i had the feeling that as soon as i let my bf meet my best friend, i had the feeling that they were attracted to each other. That was fine for me, didnt worry about it. Summer time is when my bf and i have to endure long distant relationship cuz he's in Telluride, while i'm in Boulder. At one point, we had a temporary breakup because it was really hard but we were planning to get back together during the school year.
Anyway, during the breakup little did i know that he was sexually flirting with my BEST friend! Text messages. NOt only that, but they exchanged "naughty" pics of themselves to each other. Of course, it all started out innocently, my bf was depressed, and my best friend was tryign to cheer him up and then it got a lil out of hand. When it did, my best friend keeps on telling my bf that maybe they should stop....my bf kept reassuring her that they did not do anything wrong and i didnt have to know cuz we have broken up and it's not like they were doing anythign phsycial. Just flirting sexually. Explicitly.
Then my best friend took a stance finally and told my bf that she will tell me the next day cuz she lives in the same area as me. When i told my bf the night before that my high school friends were tellign me that my best friend has been tellign everyone in my high school that he's in love with her. Upon knowing this, he got so mad that he told me what happened between him and my Best friend. Which gave him the upper hand which made me cut ties with my best friend...she was crying....tryign to contact me....i burned the bridge. My bf and i got back together after that.
But...my bf did not tell me the whole story. The story he told me was the gist of it and to make him look like the victim here. As time passes by, my instincts told me there is something terribly wrong with the story he told me. For a month, i kept pushing and pushing for him to tell me the real story, he was always defensive and started crying and told me he loved me and dont want to loose me. Finally, i got fed up and told him 2 nights ago that if he doesnt satisfy my curiousity, i will confront my "ex" best friend about this and hear what she has to say. After that, that's when he told me everything....or did he?
According to him while he was flirting with my best friend, he always think of me as her. Is this even possible??? If you were flirting sexually with someone, do you think of them as your ex? Or is he just using that phrase to keep me as a gf?
There's no trust anymore in this relationship...could this relationship be saved? Also...the fact that he got angry at my "ex" best friend for tellign people that he was in lvoe with her can be interpret with 2 differnt things....either he got angry at her for telling FALSE rumors to everyone. OR he got angry at her for telling the TRUTH and didn't want anybody to know about it. Which one is it?
I'm taking the time off of him and i will be seeing him in a couple of days...we live in the same dorm and i have no clue what to do. Is this relationship doomed? HELP!
Unless you two build back the trust, the relationship is doomed.
Since you are the one that got cheated on and lied to, you are the one who will have to get the trust back. Your boyfriend has his part to do too, of course. See how things go when you get back together. Lay it on the line to him... he has to promise to never do something like that again. The longer
you stay together the more the trust will build.
I doubt if he was thinking of you when he flirted with your ex best friend, although perhaps he convinced himself of that after the fact.
Make it clear to him that he is to never lie to you again no matter how big or small the matter might be. You have to promise to do the same, of course. And don't try to get even with him... that will surely doom the relationship.
At this point it would be good to leave it behind you. If you can't, it will prevent the trust healing from happening naturally.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com