Long Distance Love with a Resort Lover
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Yes i just submitted a question prior, but this is the full story, not the confusing one. My boyfriend and i have been together for about 7 months now. We met while i was on vacation and he worked for the resort where i stayed. he told me that the day i walked in he had to meet me. that week we spent every night together and i fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. he said i'm the girl of his dreams, the one that he sees himself with for the long term. i then went back home not thinking that he would even care to call me at all. HOWEVER, the first few months were great, we chatted online for hours and then would talk on the phone for a while then i went down for a visit. things were great. it was perfect, i knew where everything was, and we meshed perfectly. i had to then come back home to finish off the semester. he stuck by me for the majority of the semster until a friend from back home came to visit him.
it was at this point that he started to change. he would tell me that he would call and then be over two hours late with the call. i got so jealous of him hanging out with his female friend back home. she got to do things with him i hadn't even done yet. he would make a point every day to tell me that he loves me and that there was nothing to worry about at all. i just worried all the time about what he was doing with her. it was the longest two weeks of my life. he would tell me that she was just keeping him occupied until i got down there a week later. she kept him busy so the time flew pass faster
she then left and i went down a week later. the third night i was there, we went to dinner with mutual friends and then out to the bar. they were our ride and were willing to take us home, but he just left me there alone! i got so mad at him for doing that. he told me later it was because he was feeling ill and couldn't stay longer. the rest of the week was fine, except for finding some porn pictures on his computer, and seeing dates on pictures that he said he had taken just for me but that were dated a year earlier.
i left to come back here and we had a month and then he came to visit me. during that month we talked as much as possible. he was very busy at work and would get very tired. he found a group of guests that he really enjoyed spending time with and would leave home, no matter how tired he was, and go to talk to them at the resort that night. i would then get a 1/2 drunken call that night for about 10 minutes before he would go to bed. he never understood that i wanted more contact with him and wanted to talk to him more and interact more with him. he never had that because he grew up in bording school and would only get a few minutes with his parents a night. so that is how he can get by in a long distance relationship. it was during this month that he discovered that he wanted to keep in contact with a number of the guests. so he set up a private email account for those messages.
he came to visit me about a month ago now, and we had a great time while he was here. everything was great! no arguements nothing. just us together having fun. he then left and went back to work where he has only had 2 days off since he got back. he gave me passwords to his email accounts to check his email since his internet connection was messed up. i found all the emails to him that i had written that he never replied to (i would email him all the time and never got a reply). i then checked the new account where i had sent him his first message, and he had deleted it. he has never deleted any of my messages before. i also found an email that he had written a girl three months into our relationship. in it he said that she had his heart now she chould have the rest of him, signing it love.... and attached a picture of him that he had sent me. i asked him about it, and he said who?? oh it was probally some girl that i met on line that i wanted to mess with. i still am worried about that. but he assured me that he loves me and that he was upset that i looked around at the email, eventhough he didnt change the passwords because he had nothing to hide. but that even though he was upset with me it didn't matter in the long run and that he wasn't going to break up with me because he loved me. i was very scared that he would break up with me because i had been taking our love to a dark place by snooping, but i felt i needed to because we weren't talking. he told me that i needed some more confidence in myself and with him. i found another email, one titled hey cutie to a girl he met while she was down there. he called her babe and signed the letter love ya. he did mention me in the letter saying that his trip was great and he was hoping that the next time she got down that that his other half would be there as well.
i understand his reaction to not wanting to write emails to me, he said that he talks to me on the phone all the time, and that these people never get to talk to him and why should he email when we talk anyways. my defense is that we can hold totally different conversations through the email than on the phone. i just dont' know what to do. i love him more than anything and i know he is the one... but we are both very stubborn and we dont' get anything done. he used to send me emails that would make me smile all day. but that was when he had more time off. should i just let him have his space because he is so overworked and under rested? or should i keep wanting him to do the things that i want???? HELP?!??!
The classic case of vacation romance seems to be blooming here. It's the 'cruise love' or 'resort love'. Two people meet while off on a vacation from reality and fall madly in love because they're sort of in a 'fantasy land' anyway. They don't have to worry about any real life issues, they just have fun. And it of course is amazing.
The problem is that rarely do these fantasy loves stand up in real life situations, because most of what you know about each other is filled in from your own dreams. You only know some things about them - and everything else you sort of "assume" fits in with your dreams of how things should be. And you never confront those issues with each other because really you both WANT your dreams to come true. So you encourage each other and things seem just wonderful.
Yes, he loves you. I don't doubt that! But he loves the fun of being in love too. He has a collection of photos and lies about their origin so you'll feel special. Photos that he's sent to you, he's sent around to other girls he's romancing. He has girls at home to keep him company when you're not around. He keeps private email, he abandons you at a bar, he doesn't want to email you. It sounds very much like you're one in a "harem" and he really enjoys that chase and romance - both with you and with others.
The most important thing you can possibly have in a relationship is trust and honesty. It is the key that makes everything else work. It is even MORE vital in a long distance relationship because you don't have the day to day reassurance that you really are there for each other. You just have that trust. So with all the times he's already proven that his heart isn't in the *single relationship with you* but more in the feeling of romance in general, I wouldn't pin my hopes on this guy. Yes, you love him! Yes, you care for him. But that is very different from trusting him, relying on him, and counting yourself in a solid, long term relationship with him.
You can only really know if someone is "the one" if you are with them day in and day out, spending good times and bad with them, knowing and fully understanding all their flaws and bad traits and accepting them fully anyway. That takes months and months of hours-a-day time together to build. Right now you know that you HOPE he is the one. But I really think he is more of a Romantic Poet, someone who loves sweeping women off their feet. He's just not satisfied with one relationship, and he's perfectly happy lying to keep each woman happy with the small share of him he doles out to her. You deserve better.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com