ex-wife or me, who will it be?
Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
I am a lost soul. Please give me some direction.
I left a 17 year marriage and he left an 11 year marriage. Both marriages were tolerable, but not happy. We fell in love and after we separated from our spouses, we consumated our relationship. That was 1.5 years ago. A few months ago, he decided we needed to spend some time apart. He wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. That didn't last. We couldn't stay away from each other. About 6 weeks ago, he admitted to me that he wants to try to work things out with his ex-wife. He loves her because she is the mother of his children and they have 16 years of history together. He loves me because we enjoy the same things, he can talk to me about anything and he has never felt for someone physically or emotionally, the way he does about me. My feelings for him are the same. So, after he told me he wants to try to work things out with her, I made my exit (or at least tried to). About a week after his confession to me, he told her. She was shocked of course and said she's not ready for that. She won't say no, but she won't say yes. He has told me that they have only discussed it on two occasions and she has said the same thing both times. I might also mention that their divorce was amicable. After her initial shock, they decided together, that it was the right thing to do. Let me also mention, that her and I got along just fine. She never showed any negativity towards me at all. She was always friendly to me and I to her (and not the fake kind). She was fine with me being with her sons, whom I have grown to love dearly and they me. He has admitted that it may just be guilt that is driving him to make this decision. Maybe he didn't try hard enough, for the boys sake. He has said that he and I would never make it if he didn't try this. He would always wonder. He has also said recently, that he wishes she would tell him "no" so that he and I could move on. He doesn't want to lose me and he can't stand to think of me with someone else.
Yes, even though I said I made my exit, I really didn't. Since our "break-up" I have seen him (been to his house) at least once a week and we talk on the phone also. Not as much as before, but the contact is still there. She of course, does not know this. If she did, her answer would be easy, "no". His is honest with me about his feelings for her. I have suggested to him that he should be honest with her, about his feelings for me. He won't of course.
His boys ask about me every weekend that they are with him and he won't tell them that we broke up, because he wants to leave that door open. So, even though he said he wants to get back with her, his actions don't show it, his admitions to me don't show it. I can't let the man go. I love him! I know this is no way for me to live. I should not have to wait on the decision of his ex-wife, but I just can't tell him no. We both admit that what we are doing is not healthy for either one of us, especially me. She could say "ok, let's give it a try" today and I would be out of the picture, just like that. I feel pathetic, but I love the man and I don't want to cut that final string. We were not only lovers, we were best friends. His home was my home. I feel like I have lost everything. I can't even imagine starting over, trying to connect with another man. I don't want another man, I want him.
What do I do?
Given how you feel about him, I don't see what you could do differently that what you are doing now.
Ask him to set a deadline for when she has to make up her mind. Don't tell her of course.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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