I'm the one who cheated, and I'm the jealous one with trust issues!
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
There is so much to say, but I will try to make it short.
I cheated on my boyfriend very early into our relationship (about 1 month into it) and then again 4 months after that. We have been together almost 10 months. He found out about my cheating 3 times about 3 months ago and we have been trying to work it out. I have ALWAYS been jealous in all of my relationships, and I was somewhat jealous w/my current bf, but since we've been working on our relationship and have been having problems, I have become even more jealous and simply a mess.
My bf is actually doing very well with forgiving me and trusting me all over. He hasn't acted jealous at all really, which has made us repairing this relationship easier than I expected. HOWEVER, I have become more jealous and have ruined my own trust for my boyfriend! Once he found out I cheated, he said he doesn't look at me the same way and his feelings aren't quite as strong. He even said about 2 months ago that he now looks at other women differently. He can now "see other womens' beauty" and "likes it when women flirt with/hit on" him. He used to look at me like I was the best thing in his life and was absolutely perfect. Now, since he said that, in combination with some of the ways he treats me, I have lost some self esteem and have become paranoid and untrusting. For the past 2 months he has increased the amount that he talks to his exes. That is a whole other issue that I am trying to deal with. He is talking to them and hiding it from me, and does it when I'm not around. I found out by checking his emails and cell phone. I didn't like what his emails said or his texts. They weren't totally untrustworthy, but they mentioned things about missing them/being closer in distance so they can hang out/liking the sounds of their voices. I confronted him and he told me that talking to them in their own ways help him, and they help him with issues that I supposedly wouldn't understand. He also feeds me BS that he doesn't want them/doesn't have feelings for them anymore. But, I believe I have a right to be upset/jealous when he is sending them texts/emails/phone calls at 3,4,5 in the morning on nights that I am not with him. He doesn't talk to them religiously, but when they do, it seems to go into spurts--3 times in one weekend, then nothing for a month. He has always been a sensitive/emotional one in relationships, so I know whatever connections he does have with his exes, they are still there and possibly strong. I don't trust what he feels for them or what goes on in his head/heart when he is talking to them.
He also seems to comment on how attractive females on TV are more. He never seemed to have done it before. I bite my tongue when he comments. It actually hurts my feelings. I have always seemed to have had self esteem issues too, but, they have increased since I cheated on my bf.
Overall I feel like what he said about not looking at me the same and the feelings not being as strong have destroyed me! He told me I am still beautiful on the outside but has a hard time being attracted to me on the inside. I feel like this makes him less attached to me and able to feel other things for other girls...especially the exes he seems to rekindle with every now and again. I am extremely paranoid about him talking to his exes, what he feels for them, and what he feels for other girls in general now. Although we are still together thru all of this and he has said he cares enough to give me a second chance, I feel like our relationship won't get better if he is talking to his exes while we are trying to "start over." I am absolutely 100% commited to him now, and would never cheat again. However, now that I'm not his everything, I feel he might be the one to stray...
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Seems you ripped him one way by cheating on him and now you are ripping another way by being jealous.
My advice is to listen to what you are saying. You say you are "absolutely 100% commited to him now." Commitment includes trusting the other person. Tell yourself "He wouldn't cheat because he loves me." Keeping thinking of that and you won't be so jealous.
Remind him gently when he hurts you by his comments so that he will start thinking before speaking. It helps when a couple shares their feelings.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com