Confessions of a commitment-phobic! It's ruining my life!
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
My life is pretty much like a movie. it's always exciting. I get a lot of attention from men. Every guy I meet and befriend seems to fall in love with me.
Practically all the men in my life try to win me over and this actually makes me insecure. I feel I can't trust men because I don't feel comfortable confiding in them when they're just trying to make a good impression. It's all part of a show.
Though I've had quite a few relationships over the past few years they didn't last long. I always ended them. Whenever things seem to get serious I freak out. It's gotten to the point where it's ridiculous. I avoid certain places in public because I don't want to run into a guy who I dated and suddenly never called back. It's so bad and I feel so horrible. But I just panick even if I genuinely like them.
In fact the more I like the guy, the more I freak out. It all starts out so well, everytime. There's a connection, I feel comfortable, we laugh, we share. And then when they tell me they really like me, it's all good. I feel happy, i feel butterflies. Until I get home and let it sink in.
I feel i'm practically dying at those moments, the panic and the fear... I don't answer my phone anymore, I make up excuses I'm busy until I have find a way to pretty much disappear out of their lives.
And lately it's gotten even worse. just a few dates and that's all it takes to freak me out.
So here it is. I've had an amazing date with this very sweet guy. He seems to be pretty much everything I need. And i don't want to screw this one up too, but I'm already starting to get nervous and I'm starting to panick too.
What can I do to make it work?
I've tried to overcome my commitment fear but I'm miserably failing. Any suggestions would be great.
I'm ruining all this for myself and I know that, I'm not proud of it. I've hurt people and I want it to stop. I don't want to run away anymore.
Thank you in advance.
Three thoughts come to mind.
First is the possibility that you become panicking once your relationship reaches the point of physical closeness. You didn't mention it but you should think about it and determine whether it is a fear of physicalness that is causing your problem.
Second is sharing your problem with the boy. There are three strong aspects of a good relationship: sharing thoughts, sharing feelings, and sharing affection. Ask yourself whether you would feel comfortable sharing your panicky feelings with the boy you are currently going out with. Perhaps if you shared these feelings often enough someone would have the answer for you.
Finally, and it fall in line with #2 is you might consider going to a professional counselor to get help with your feelings. You may go to your school psychologist, parents, or college counselors depending on your status and get help or a referral.
You are wise to worry about this and to take steps to stop it while it can still be stopped...if you ignore these things, they will become habits.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com