I Cheated, He Threw Me Out, I Want Him Back
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I had dated my boyfriend for about 5 mo. then he broke up with me and it broke my heart. Two weeks later he wanted back and we were back together. But I had to do therapy for the loss during the two week period and my heart was broken and I was just starting to heal.
Well 1 1/2 months after we got back together, I ended up being pregnant. During the time we had broke up I had met a guy from my building who 100% pursued me, but we just started out as friends and when my boyfriend and I got back together, I knew it was just friends and kept talking to him. Well after I found out I was pregnant, I was a little unsure if I wanted to be (and I LOVE kids). Basically it turned into more with the friend and I ended up sleeping with him (after I knew I was pregnant) and continued a relationship with him for 4 months. He was affectionate, understanding and said he understood and would be there for me. Then I found out he was married, but I was pregnant, how could I get mad at him. Finally after four months (and only sleeping together 3 times) his wife found out and it ended that day.
I never told my boyfriend for fear of losing him and it also made me realize that my boyfriend was truly the person i wanted to be with. Then over the past 6 months I fell in love with him again - the best thing to ever come into my life and we had the baby.
Well he just found out about the cheating from a friend (it ended 6 months ago). He kicked me out and the baby out (and my daughter from a previous marriage) and won't have anything to do with me. I have explained how much he means to me and begged and pleading and told him how sorry I am, but right now he says he hates me and could never be with me or look me in the eyes again. Im devestated. He IS all I want and I feel more terrible about the pain he feels, that I cause of anything I've ever done.
I know I deserve ALL the pain and misery there is to be given to a person, but I just want him back. To show him I love him and show him for the rest of my life how he CAN trust me.
Now what? I can't not call him, though Im trying because I know he needs time and every time I talk to him he just says no- we can't be together ever again. The devestation has put me on an antidepressant (plus Im only 6 weeks postpartum from the baby). I know we loved each other dearly. I just want to know what to do to try to win him back and show him I can do this. How do I do that, what do I do, what more do I say?
One of THE most important things in any relationship is honesty and trust. You really should have told him right away when you got pregnant that it was with the other guy. Yes, he would have been upset, but you could have dealt with that. But when you start lying to people, that is something they have huge problems forgiving. Because from that point - how can they trust anything else you say? Now that you've shown that you're capable of lying to protect yourself, who knows what other situations will come up that you'll start lying all over again in?
I do have many tips on how to rebuild damaged trust -
I would start working through those, and I would also talk seriously to your therapist. First, you should talk to her about why you lied for so long and why you didn't trust someone that was a serious part of your life. You should always be able to talk about ANYTHING with your partner, even if it's tough. That's what a relationship is all about.
And then offer to your ex that you two will go into therapy together. That you will really work hard on being trustworthy and never, ever lying again. That the therapist will help him work through his anger and feelings of betrayal so that the relationship can work. That way he knows that it's not just you saying "I'm sorry". It's you saying "This therapist can help me really change - and can help you accept that change."
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com