BF does not fight fair. Feeling hopeless...

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I think my BF is verbally abusive, but he thinks counseling is stupid. Probably does not want his irrationality confirmed by third party.

We have been together 2 years. Now every arguement has me frustrated and in tears.

We will get in huge arguement about anything if he thinks I have "raised my voice" or am acting agressive.

Last week at 11PM he said, I'm going to play a quick game (video). I teased him saying "no such thing as quick game" because we both play and always end up getting sucked in...and we joke about that often.

I then said remember yesterday? You said "one quick game and played for two hours?" He said no what are you talking about. Feeling he was thinking me critical I quickly said: "I don't care that you played or want to now sweetie, just saying its easy to lose track of time, but go ahead and play" He looked annoyed and said "i still don't know what you are talking about". I mentioned the day before again and he said "yeah but you were doing laundry anyway, what do you care what I was doing". I said I dont, just showing example of "quick game" go ahead and play. He said with heavy emphasis. Yeah and YOU were doing Laundry.

I repeated yes, so it was fine, please don't get mad at me. He blew he cork saying "don't F*ing accuse me of being mad, because I wasn't but now I am" like Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde.

He never understood my point that I just thought it was funny because we both know that we can't stop once we start, but I have NEVER made him stop or told him he plays too much or anything... He denied the day before even saying "one quick game". (He often goes crazy denying things he said no matter how irrelevant they are anyway)

I told him I don't understand why my asking him to please not to get mad has to result in a blow up. Can't he just say, I'm not mad? I said I was sorry i mentioned anything, and he would just say whatever, or oh shut up. These are his standard lines whenever I try to defend/explain myself.

If he always either sarcastically dismisses me, mocks my apologies, ignores me, or goes into a rage I don't know what to do?

If I say maybe I should just go he says "yeah thats it run away like usual". If I cry he says "great now you are going to F*ing cry-- why is everything so emotional with you" if I talk back its "don't get f*g aggressive with me" or two of us can play that game". If I say maybe we need a break, he will say go then, thats your choice just leave. or if you think im a monster just go then and its final.

I usual try to get away and let him cool down but it hurts that he can ignore me 4-5 hours while laughing chatting online, or playing games, watching movies. Even when I feel devastated he seems to be enjoying himself like it never happened?

Sometimes he apolgizes for yelling, but seems he still thinks I start everything. He always denies be annoyed/mad first.

Does this sound hopeless? Advice
Of course you know "it takes two to tango."

Meaning that he's going to get upset if you upset him and your going to get upset when he upsets you.

My guess is that he is 70% to blame and you 30%. But you have to acknowledge that it isn't all his problem. I would also guess that he has a strong guilt trigger. He feels guilty (whether he knows it or not) that he is playing games while you are doing the laundry. So he is going to be hypersensitive to any commends about playing games. He's probably like that a lot.

But keep in mind that you are smart enough and sensitive enough to figure out a way to avoid these conflicts. The fact that the conflicts continue means that at some level you approve of the conflicts. Maybe that is the only way you can get attention from him.

Also keep in mind that if you set out to fix this problem you may find yourself split up. Couples stay together despite bad problems... like fighting. Sometimes solving the problem reveals a deeper problem which is unbearable and things go flooie.

This is not to say that you should give up trying to have arguments but simply to say that you should proceed carefully.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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