A tough beakup and she tells me she loves me but likes another man. How to act?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Well this is the hardest thing for me to do but I need some advice. Bascially its somewhat of a general topic I guess but I need to know how to break this all down. Here we go, I'm a 24 year old male. I have been with my Ex (22)girlfriend for almost 3 years now off and on. I think I have really done it in with her this time though. Bottom line is that I messed up and know it. Like anything else in life you take things for granted and I don't know why stuff like this always happens. But it does. So I meet this girl at my work about 3yrs ago and we hit it off as friends. Hung out sometimes on the weekends and then sure enough 3 months later we moved into together. We instantly feel in love with each other and spent every waking mineute with her. Now being young I understand the whole "puppy love" idea but this was not that. This girl loved me like I have never been loved before. She is mature, caring and has EVERY quality that I think I need in a wife. Also, there is a child involved in this story. He was 10 months old when I met her and of course his dad is a bad person, and so therefore I have been in his life the whole time, and I concider him like my own and so does she. But again, hard to love another mans son. Anyways, everything seemed to be going okay for the first 2yrs, then it all changed. I was young, and of course had some growing up to do and was very immature about some of the things that I did, and also what I held important in the relationship, and lets face it, I did my fair share of bad things. However we had it all at such a young age due to my job. The beautiful house, the cars and money in the bank. Another lession learned. Money can't buy you love and its not EVERYTHING in life. So heres how it ends. I was immature and got all hung up on not giving my total heart to her and possibly marraige, due to the fact that I didnt think I was ready to settle down for life. I also wanted to go out and party with friends and didnt think that I wanted to have a G/F/Wife to have answer too. So we have now been broken up for 2 months now, and believe me that this time I'm even suprised that she wants to be in the same room with me. I'm so hurt over the deal, I have NEVER felt like this in my life so I know its REAL. She now tells me that she has feelings for a close friend that she has been talking to off and on for the last year. But now its much more serious because Im somewhat out of the picture. Huge catch though. I know he's not good for her. He's 32 yrs old, and lives 4 hrs away from here, and has NOTHING to offer her but the words she wants to hear at this moment because shes hurt and she has his love. Of course thats my opionion on it but I know thats not the real deal for her, just a rebound in my mind. So heres my question to you for some advice. I just recently sat her down for 2 hours and told her EVERYTHING that was on my mind and in my heart. The total truth about how I feel whether it was good or bad. I want her in my life forever. She basically listened to everything that I had to say and I must say she was somewhat amazed of what I had to say. So even though she didnt comment much I know she now knows EXACTLY how I feel. I wasnt looking for a answer. She tells me this though, she has feelings for him and THINKS she loves him too!! WHAT? Love is a huge word. But then she also proceeds to tell me that if he wasn't in the picture that she would be back with me in a second. WHAT?That threw me for a loop. But she just doesn't know how she feels and needs some space from us to make the right decision. She doesn't want to hurt me or him and wants it to be right for her. She's hurt and needs time. She also says that this is time for HER, and no one else. She wants to get her life on track and concentrate on NOTHING but herself. I can understand that but she's involving him too.
So how do you act day to day? I don't want to call her all the time to cloud her mind but I also don't want her to loose that "feeling" or think that I don't care anymore. How do you do it? I also don't want to wait around forever either if she knows that shes not gonna come back BUT just wont tell me because she doesn't want to hurt me. But I don't want to let her go, I love this women to death. Can you give me some advice on what to do and what not to do. Call her? When and how? Ask her to hang out or catch dinner sometimes? Yes or no. I just need to know what to do while she takes time to figure it out. In the meantime I also know that I need to get myself together and stay strong. I just don't want the typical advice that EVERYONE tells me. If it's meant to be it will be thats so generic.
I agree with you that "if it's meant to be" is a weak way to look at things. What are you supposed to do, sit at home in a rocking chair and wait for her to come to your door? I don't think so.
You had some good ideas. Ask her if you can call once a week for a 15 min talk just to see how she is doing and to keep in touch--no talk about relationship unless she brings it up. Also ask if you could go out to dinner once a month for a longer chat. Maybe every other dinner you would take along the son and make it a place where he would enjoy himself. Always bring him a small present when you see him. Make the first dinner with him too so it doesn't see too personal to her.
If she goes along with this, and she probably will, you stand a good chance of getting her back.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com