he always thinks im arguing
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my boyfriend for two years and lately things have become so different. He always thinks im arguing and in my point of you im just trying to let him know that something is bothering me or that im not happy with a situation. But lately as soon as a open my mouth he says, "here we go again, are you going to start arguing, all you do is fight about everything, you have to relax, life doesnt have to be that complicated or everything doesnt have to be your way". oh and he says that our relationship has been like this since day 1. I know that YES i have complaint about things im not so happy about since the beggining but not because im tired of him or because I dont love him, I just want to feel loved. oh and he says that I always argue about the same old stuff, but thats when I start getting frustrated because i know I do this but is because its never been resolved. my major complaints its about the amount of time he is willing to sacrifice for this relationship. He is a painter so he doesnt have a 9am-5pm job, it varies according to what the company assign him but I know for a fact that saturdays and sundays are optional and he is not even willing to spend those days with me, lately is been worse then ever, he get out super late on saturdays and sundays even though he knows that I come all the way from my college which is two hours from here just to visit him. I come every weekend. We been having a long distance relationship since March of this year and I dont know if that has affected our relationship because I ask him all the time and he says "no baby im ok, im not going to cheat on you, I know this is for your future, I want to be with you and we can go through this" but then when we get on an argue about the time he is willing to spend with me he starts saying, did I tell you to move to 2 hours away from me, no, it was your decision and Im ok about that so why are you not ok with my job. I feel like he is a workoholic...and he is always soooo tired. He is 31 and Im 23 and I feel like he should understand that if he want this relationship to work he needs to take care of himself because no matter what he is going to get older quicker if he continues his life like this. and then he says "you are always throwing stuff on my face about my age, why are you with me then, why dont you find a younger man, and Im like oh my god, I love you and I dont want another man, I want you but you barely want to go out, you are always sleepy, we can not even see a whole movie without him going to sleep on me. Our sex life is not to good either, part is because he rented a room at my parent's house so when I come to visit him I cant have sex with him in my house, but I tell him baby why can you not make the sacrifice for a weekend to come down here to my apartment we can have all the privacy and he says, "who's fault is this, you were the one with the idea of me moving to your house, and I can't miss work, so I get so mad because all im saying is a weekend, which means after friday drive over to my apartment and come back on sunday". He barely initiate sex and I think its been like this since the beginning but its worse now. He is just to serious for me, I like to be spontaneous with him, I like to touch him when we are watching T.V but he is like, oh my god, can you not stay still, you mom or grandmom can be watching but the truth is that even when he lived with a roomate he was also like this and we were in his room with nobody around watching us! I dont know what is wrong with him or I dont know what is wrong with me putting up with him. he is not sweet, he was give me roses like 3 times in these two years. and then he is never happy because his family live in south america and he has not been able to see then in 7 years, including his daughter. and I try to understand him but I know I am selfish to because I get mad at the fact that he is never completely happy with me. oh and to top it of, yesturday we had and argument like everyday and he say something that has hurt my pride so bad, I even cry to sleep last night, and I just feel like if I comfront him about this, he is going to say "here we go again, let me get ready for todays fight and tomorrows" the point is that last night he told me, "look I dont want you to to get mad at what im going to say but out of all my relationships that I have had, you are the person that argues and fights the most, and he said "my exwife (the mother of his child)was one of the one who argue the most but you argue way more then her" and this is the thrid time he has compared me in a negative way to his ex wife that supposely has been the person who hurt him the most because he came to this country to work and make a better living for them 3 but in less then a year he found out she was cheating on him and she admitt to that. and to his point of you this was not the first time, not he notice the same behavior in different occasions when he was with her in south america , oh and his daughter is not really his, when he stared going out with her she broke up with him to go to her old boyfriend and then a few months later she started looking for my boyfriend and they hooked up and in the first month she told him that she was pregnant and that she did not know what to do, but they were not sexually active at that point, she said that her mom was going to kill her, she said should I get and abortion so my boyfriend say no have the baby I will take care of you and that baby will be like mine, so she told him that they had to get marry for her to be able to get out of her house, to the day im the only one who knows about this, everybody thinks thats his daughter and to me she is because he took care of her since day one, but her ex forgets sometimes that its not his or she get to into this lie because she is so demanding about childsupport, she exaggerates for living in a 3rd world country, she is always calling for money and the worse thing is that she doesnt not work, because according to her is to hard to find a job in our country for a woman which I know for a fact is not true, so this is also a big argument that we always have, but he says that why should I fight about his money if im not his wife and this gets me sooo depress, because I dont want his money, all I want him to do is to rest, to have a LIFE, to love me, to appreciate how I care about his things, I always help him save money, not for me but for his future, I want him to not be a painter for the rest of his life, I want him to go to college, to have goals and I know he want to do this but at the same time I feel that all he cares is about his family in his country and about been a provider period, I dont feel he is too interested in having a life for him not for anyone else, I want him to persue his happiness not the happiness of others, I feel like he think he was just brought to this world to satisfied people and its definitely not ME. so how dare him to compare me to his ex wife, I go to College, I find my way to pay for school, through financial aid or scholarships, I was a virgin when I meet him, I've never been marry, I have lived in my house with my parents all my life and I have never find a guy just to get out of my house, I love living in my house, I dream big, I can not seat on my behing all my life expecting others to support me and I am from the same country then his ex but I know that god gave me legs and arms to work and help my partner so that we can both achieve our goals in life. I love him so much but I dont know what to do that will make our relationship work. I am so frustrated to the fact that he doesnt listen to my needs. All I ask from him is time to spend with me, and I ask that he saves money for a future, we have talk about getting marry but I told him that we should wait until I finish my school wish is in two years but not because I dont want to, IM CRAZY about been his wife but I want a stable future for us and for the children to come!! but he always complaints about my big dreams, he says that i expect to much, he even said why can you not just move in with me (cohabiting)and I said no WAY!! then he says that I always want a BIG wedding, and expensive ring and that he probably cant afford that but I always tell him, what women doesnt, I told him that I deserved that for him been my first and for working so hard in school to achieve straight A's, for been a good daughter and i devoted girlfriend, I have never been a trouble maker so I told him that I want to finish school and then I can help him with all that if it bothers him that I DREAM BIG, and it even gets me more mad when he talks about going to his country and spending aroung five thousand dollars in a month or two because he has not seen his family in forever so he want to take them out every where but why when I talk about a wedding and a ring that to me simbolize a union that would last forever why is it to expensive, why is it to much, why is not to much to blow what a ring may cost in a month when a ring will be something that I will carry forever?? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME, I really love this guy and I am willing to try anything so that our relationship can work...yes it may sound like he is a monter but He is such a good guy, he is soooooo sweet toward my family, they all love him like crazy, he is so devoted to his daughter, he is such a good friend to his friends! he is pacient, he is a hard worker, but you never see the money, all my friends even told me, are you sure that he is not saving money but he is just to telling you, so of course I was mad and I call him right there and ask him about it which is not my first time but to me is like "just to make sure or maybe he will give in" but instead he took it like I was starting to argue so automatically he gets in that defensive mode, he was like, "you know that I have credic card bills and I pay all of them to make them zero balance and that was like 4 thousant dollars, then I have my family to support (mom and dad) and I have my daughter and I will never stop helping her, and then I pay rent in your house, I help with the monthly food, I spend gas, luch everyday for me and my helper, and then Im like but you work as hard as my cousin who is a painter and he has a family, he has three kids and a wife and family in south america and yeah he may not have money left but he has an excuse you dont!! and he was like whatever you dont understand and will never understand until you get a job and learn that life is not easy!! and I said I understand that that makes since but its sad that this one right here who is just a college student with no job knows more about saving for a future and handling money, because he has no idea about having a budget or not going crazy in the mall, when it should be me as the woman to be a shopaholic but im so not like that, I appreciate money and I appreciate how hard people have to work to get it!! PLEASE HELP I will sincerely appreciate any help that you can offer me!!!
I could be wrong about this, but let me give you my first impression.
I'm just guessing here but my reasoning is that the way you write reflects the way you think and talk. You wrote 500-1000 words in one large paragraph. I feel like a truck ran over me. Too much info with no breaks.
Yes, writing is different than talking and you wanted to explain all the details, but ask yourself if you might be doing this to your b/f too.
But first you have to solve the problem of him not seeing you enough, because when that happens, you naturally store up a lot to talk or "argue" about.
So, next chance tell him you have a problem (guys love to be problem solvers.)
The problem is that you want him to take Saturdays off to spend with you. Don't give any reasons... he already knows why and any reasons you give him would be interpreted as arguing. Just say you want to be with him and enjoy his company. Don't mention that you drive down blah blah blah... he already knows that. Keep it simple. Keep asking him... just saying you want to see him and if he really refuses to take Saturday off then compromise and say he has to be home by 3:30 on Saturday afternoon.
If he goes for this, then try it a few weeks and then suggest that you drive up to your apartment Saturday once every few weeks for some alone time.
Prioritize your needs and take them one at a time. Don't leave the subject no matter how much he tempts you to get you off the track. Stick to that one subject until you get some kind of compromise out of him. Realize that he may make promises and then not keep them... be reasonably flexible but whatever you do, don't let him backslide completely or the balance is lost. If it happens, first try to make him live up to his side of the bargain and only in worst case renegotiate with him.
Hope some of this helps! George
p.s. the Holiday season is a good time to start this new approach.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com