Fighting Jealousy

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am totally head over heels in love with my partner, and despite being young, I want our relationship to last as long as possiible as does my partner.
The problem is my jealousy and the frustration it cause me and my partner. I KNOW that being jealous is stupid and pointless as it cause more harm than anything else, and I know deep down my partner would never hurt me, but I can't shake these feelings that he would leave me. I think this stems from having such a low self esteem anyway.

In my head, I can't understand why anybody would love me (this is just the way my mind works) and this is starting to affect my relationship because my boyfriend thinks his affections are going unnoticed which they are not, its just that I need to be reassured that he loves me and then I feel happier within myself.

Then recently, he kissed another girl and there was groping too after a drunken night out with his friends. He said he was mortified that he let this happen and I have forgiven him, because i want this to work so much, but I still feel scared inside that it could happen again, because my jealousy could drive him away. I also feel a little apprehensive when he goes out with his mates now, because I am very scared this could happen again, despite his assertion that it won't.

I guess I need some advice as to what I can do to try and control my jealousy, maybe build my self-esteem, and maybe i could show the reply to my partner. I just like to read you comments to my question and see what I can do. Advice
Well definitely self esteem is a key cause for jealousy, although your boyfriend kissing another girl isn't helping at all!! If my boyfriend lost control so badly that he was that drunk, I would be FURIOUS with him. He has self control and drinks enough to have fun, but not enough to break his commitment to me. That's what being in a relationship is about - putting the well being of the couple ahead of selfish desires.

If your guy is going out and getting so drunk that he loses control that badly, that should be something HE doesn't want to do, never mind you. What if the girl had AIDS or a disease you can get by kissing, and he brought it home to you? And if his friends let him do that, I wouldn't consider them to be much of friends at all. But we'll leave that argument until later on.

The first issue is your jealousy, and your self esteem. Maybe if we get that under control, he'll spend more time with you and less on wild drunken nights (or do other things with them instead of just drinking all night, which gets old pretty quickly). So you need to find ways to feel better about yourself so that you fully accept his love for you, and he doesn't have to keep proving he loves you, etc.

So take a look at your life. What about it would you like to improve? Would you like to be in better shape? Be a better dancer? Know more about certain topics? Then launch into them! There are all sorts of ways to better yourself for free or for little money. If there's any way he can be involved too, that would be great, the more you two do together that is fun and you both learn, the closer you get. And maybe the better HE feels about himself, the less likely he'll even want to spend the night glugging beer down all night in a bar. That's not usually the way that guys who are say good at sports or other things spend their time - usually guys who have skills enjoy spending time USING those skills instead of just downing beer after beer to the point of drunkenness. Life is way too short to waste your valuable money and time, when you are young and able, sitting in a bar drinking tons of alcohol. There are SO many better things to do with your life!

If he likes drinking, why don't you guys go out and play darts or pool? That way you're learning new skills, getting better and better as a team, can have fun challenging other people, and he can drink too :) But learning to do things in moderation and learning SELF CONTROL are keys in life. Otherwise, if he and his friends are capable of drinking to oblivion, and this is their "fun", there's no guarantee that it won't just keep happening again and again, regardless of how jealous or not jealous you become. And of all the *non-reasons* to be jealous, having your boyfriend out getting drunk and man-handling other women is THE reason TO be jealous. And furious.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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