Long Distance Romance Jealousy
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi. I am a 25 year old female. My boyfriend, who is 25 going to be 26, currently goes to school a few states away from me, about 8 hours. He is very busy and active, he works crazy hours with 2 jobs, takes summer classes, and plays soccer. We have been together since December. We talk just about every single day, on the computer a lot and on the telephone. He is so passionate about finishing school and his soccer, and i am happy for him and except that. I love him and I know he loves me.
I do trust him. I am busy as well just not as busy as him. We are very passionate as well, and i have never cheated on him and he has never cheated on me, as far as I know. I have had very bad relationships and have been cheated on a ton, just like that has happened to him. In fact I was divorced, due to my ex cheating.
I do not mind him going out on weekends at all with his friends. I would too if i wasnt raising a baby sister, left by my mom who passed away. When he calls though he and I will talk for a little, a half hour or so. I get selfish and want to talk longer but he has to do whatever or sleep. Also on the weekends i want to like just talk all the time with him and stuff on the nights but he goes out. I get selfish and jealous and want him to stay home. But i do want him to have a good time and go out but then i tell him to and i get so jealous thinking ok what if hes flirting with girls? or does sexual things? goes on dates.
i feel like he tries to "make room for me" and i feel so sad and depressed and i get mad. i dont want to though. he doesnt know how i feel, if i told him he'd get mad i bet. Like its like he goes out having fun on the weekends with his buds and i dont mind but its like throughout the week he talks a little because hes so busy. so its like im fitted in, like an appointment or something.
AHH what do i do? i get mad, jealous, and sad and depressed. He knows sometimes i get upset and he apologizes and says like are you mad at me? are you ok? and i say im fine nah im not mad at you. and im not really like i will be that night but then the next day im fine and get over it. but it hurts because sometimes i just wanna keep talking and talking and what not. its like he doesnt have the time for me. lol what should i do? im frustrated and sick of crying. what is my problem?
One of THE most important things you can have with your partner - whether he's close or far - is complete and open honesty. It sounds like you have all sorts of feelings rolling around inside of you but that you actively lie to your partner about how you feel, lying to direct questions he asks. The #1 thing you have to do to start with is be honest about how you feel about things. I'm not saying to start yelling and screaming at him! But the only way things will ever get better is if you two really and honestly share your worlds. If you keep lying to him, then things will get worse and worse until they fall apart.
Now, as to the issue. He has deliberately filled his schedule chock-full of things. Which is sort of a bad thing about modern times - instead of focussing on one thing and being really good at it, we all want to do 20 different things and we get stressed out by it. Insted of kids having one hobby, they are shuttled around to 8 different things each week and don't have time to just relax and enjoy life.
So this guy has 20 different things on his schedule and you are "one of the items". So he gives you your block of time and then goes out to do his "fun stuff". Sure, he should have other friends! Even other girl friends! But if you are his GIRLFRIEND then you and your relationship with him should always have priority. You shouldn't be something he squeezes in before he goes out for tons of hours of fun. Why can't he have fun with you? Sure, it's long distance. But there are hundreds of thousands of long distance relationships out there that have fun together. There are all sorts of ideas. You both can watch the same TV show or movie together, having a glass of wine and talking about it while you watch it. You can play TONS of games on line together. You can just sit and talk for hours! The opportunities are limitless and many people gladly do these things every night to spend time together. If he thinks it would be less desireable to spend time with you than to go out with his friends, and gives his friends far more time and attention than he gives you, then he isn't treating you like a girlfriend. He's treating you like an acquaintance that he keeps in touch with occasionally.
It's not easy to have a long distance relationship. It takes a lot of time and effort and desire. It seems like he's getting most of his attention and affection elsewhere, from his friends, rather than you. It's time for him to really start treating you like a girlfriend, and giving and receiving that love and affection from YOU.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com