Jealous of my ex's new boyfriend
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Please help! I find myself consumed with jealousy over my ex girlfriend's new boyfriend and can't seem to over come it. I met her while living overseas. At first it was just a bit of fun and we both seemed to understand that it was a casual thing. When she turned around one say and told me she'd been seeing someone else I was a little hurt, but thought it was fair enough as I had never really offered her a steady relationship. I was also keen on another girl anyway so I wasn't worried. It wasn't until a couple months later when I started to realise how much I missed her that things got messy. We were out one night having drinks when I told her I felt I was in love with her. Even though she was still with her new boyfriend she declared that she was also in love with me and ended up spending the night with at my place. For the next six months we continued seeing each other in secret while she was still with the other guy. She told me a few times that she had broken up with him, but then the following week they'd be back together, yet she would still want to come over for late night rendezvousí - occasionally I would say no, but mostly I just couldn't resist her. It all started to become too much and I felt like I was slowly loosing my sanity. I wanted to be with her, but could not handle sharing her with someone else any longer so I left her and flew home to Australia. I felt that if it continued for much longer I would end up saying something that I would regret and lose her from my life completely. I told her I had to leave for the sake of our friendship - I thought that I would be able to let go of my jealousy if I was over on the other side of the world but I was wrong.
I have been home for six months now and still have not been able to get her out of my head. She regularly emails and texts me saying she misses me and wants me to come back. I told her that "certain conditions" would need to be satisfied in order for that to happen. She never asked me what those conditions were but I'm sure she knows. Once when I told her I wasn't happy about her seeing this other guy she asked me if I was giving her an ultimatum - I said no as I was scared that she would just say goodbye to me forever. I still don't want to give her an ultimatum, not only for the reason outlined in the sentence before, but also because I feel that if she is to break up with him, it has to be because she wants to - not because of what I want.
This brings me to my problem. I am stuck over the other side of the world and I am still in love with her. She claims to still be in love with me but is still with her boyfriend. I have frequent nightmares about the two of them together and am in constant pain. Some people tell me I just need to get over her and forget about her but I can't seem to and quite frankly I just don't want to. Some people tell me that I should go back over to at least give our love opportunity to develop or I might end up regretting it all my life. I really want to but I sometimes I think I'd be crazy to go back when she is still with her boyfriend. I often lie awake for hours wondering what she is doing right now and usually up end feeling very sad and upset. My life feels so incomplete without her. I worry that if I go back it might end in disaster and I might end up feeling more heart broken and depressed than I already am. So I guess my question is ultimately double-barrelled - should I go back and give it a go or should I stay here and just try to forget her? If I stay here at home, how can I overcome the jealous and pain that I am feeling and get on with my life?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.....
My advice is to go back to her.
You can then test your relationship with her and see better what is going on.
From 1,000s of miles away, all you can do is worry and fret and fantasize which leads to pain and sadness.
Sure you may go back and everything blows up in your face... but at least then, you put in the effort. Otherwise you will wonder forever.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com