Jealousy - Founded - Over an Ex

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm scared that my boyfriend wants to get back with his ex and its gotten to the point where I find myself jealous of her. I will on purpose not go to a party or somewhere with friends if he isnt going to be there for fear that he will go off with his ex. He says they are just friends but I know that they had a very serious relationship and he has said that he misses her. He also says that he loves me and he would never leave me for her but it still scares me. Im afraid to go anywhere with out him because I dont want him to go off with his ex, even as friends, for fear they will re-kindle something from the past.

He did tell me a month ago that he was thinking about getting back together with her again that it was going to be a hard decision because he really loves and cares about us both. Later he did tell me that he chose me and that he really believed our relationship will turn out better. Im just very scared he is great and I dont wanna lose him. How do I deal with this jealousey over her and how do I get over being so freaked out about leaving. How do I learn to trust him? Advice
Well, if you've read my other responses on jealousy topics you'll know that usually I am very much a "Get over your jealousy! Learn to trust!" sort of person. But that always assumes that there IS nothing really to be jealous about. This is definitely not the case here.

A relationship is a commitment between two people, where they promise to put each other and their relationship first. It means that each of those two people CANNOT be harboring romanting interests in others!! For your boyfriend to still be longing after his ex is just *wrong*. If he asked you to be his girlfriend, he should have been OVER her, over the rebound, over everything and fully ready to start a new relationship with a new person. Instead, it sounds like he still liked her when he started dating you - and that even now he's having to "choose". He should not be choosing! He HAS CHOSEN and he is in a relationship with YOU.

One of the things that defines maturity is the realization that there are ALWAYS going to be temptations and interests out there. The world is full of younger women, sexier women, smarter women, you name it. But if you make a commitment to someone, you *honor* that commitment. If you're going to start running off each time someone else looks better, you are going to end up sad and alone because people will start doing that to you, too. So yes, undoubtedly his ex seems interesting to him for whatever reason. So What!! That does NOT give him cause or reason to start "weighing who is best". He already CHOSE a partner. And now he must HONOR that choice and work 100% to making your relationship with him all it can be.

It sounds like your boyfriend really has some learning to do about just what being in a relationship is all about. Is there some adult he can talk to about this, that might help him understand? You can of course try talking to him yourself about it too. But he might take it better coming from a third party. His thoughts should be on you, and how to make what you guys have the best it can be. If his thoughts are on *someone else* and seriously weighing how she might be better, he is already in essence betraying his commitment.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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