Breaking Up and getting Back Together
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I am having some trouble understanding what is going on, and hope you can help me sort things up/ clear up the air since you have probably heard a lot of diff things.
My ex and I were together for a year. Unfortunately during that year we broke up a number of times because of a difference that we could not resolve. We would get back together, but unfortunately she could not agree with my view and I could not agree with hers. The sad thing is we were both very attached and loved hanging out, being intimate and sharing our lives together. Both she and I felt we had a strong connection. But like I said, because of our difference we ended it, but would go back to each other numerous times after breaking up, however a few months ago we stopped (both knowing that we had to end it otherwise we would just get more frustrated).
My ex recently called me (we had not spoken in almost 3 months) and asked me to come over, I said OK. She had gotten me a gift from a recent trip. I was surprised and pleased she remebered me. We talked for about 30 min and we instantly connected again, unfortunately she told me she had dated someone for a month and things didnt work out. I was hurt, I could not understand when she claimed to love me a lot, and wanted to marry me how she could be w/ someone else in such a short duration. She told me she had to let me know since we had always been honest w/ each other, even though she knew it would hurt. She then stated that she was in so much pain, depressed and lonely after our break up she did not know what else to do, so a friend told her to get involved with someone else. I felt bad. I gave her a hug. She then stated she was surprised I am even talking to her and affectionate towards her still. Well one thing led to another and we got intimate with each other.
Afterwards she said that this is wrong and it is not fair to me or the "new guy". She said it was disrespectful to the "new guy" that she is back with me. I asked her wasnt it disrespectful to me to date a "new guy" after we broke up, she said "no" because we were over. I then asked her isnt she "over" with the "new guy" and she said "yes" but its different because now she is coming back to me. She states in a way it is "cheapening" and trivializing what she had w/ the "new guy" (She also stated that she cares for him but it is nothing like her feelings towards me, she repeatedly said that me and her have an amazing connection that she knows she will not have with another person)
She said the reason they broke up really did not have anything to do with me. She then stated that "she was not the kind of girl who dates someone to get over someone". I told her that I was relocating (b/c of work) and then she said she wants to move with me, but then she recanted and said maybe that is not a good idea. Finally at the end of our conversation she wanted my new phone # just in case down the road she changes her mind about the issue we couldnt resolve. She stated that maybe one day she will realize that my point of view was "ok" and that she would want to get in touch w/ me to let me know.
During our conversation she said she could not stand to "lose" me again. Finally I left, but before leaving she told me that she loved me. Now I am cofused, and hurt at the same time. I cannot fully comprehend that if we were deeply connected and in love with each other, why did she choose to be with someone else -- in a relatively short matter of time. I get nauseated at the thought of being w/ someone let alone being physically involved with someone else other than her. Therefore, I kind of question her feelings for me.
I would not question them, but before we started dating she had also recently broken up with an ex- boyfriend ( this man was much, much older than her and she did not tell me about the realtionship until we had dated for 4 months.)
Now I wonder if this is just a pattern she goes through? and if I was just a "stop" along the way? I am trying to not invalidate her feelings for me, but it is hard to give her full credit. I find her inconsistent at times, especially about the disrespecting the "new guy" part. What is going on with her? What is she thinking? Please help me make sense out of all this.
P.S. I did not give her my new number, I said let me think about it.
The way you feel about people is never a cut-and-dried, one-thing only sort of thing. So to try to say her feelings should be logical and a certain way isn't really understanding the wide spectrum of ways we humans feel about issues. Things aren't black and white, they are a multitude of shades of grey.
OK, this girl obviously cares a lot about you. She tried many times to get it to work but whatever mysterious issue you guys had couldn't be resolved. It would have to be something fairly serious because most couples have things they disagree on - they simply agree to disagree. If you couldn't even do that, it had to be one of those core issues like "do we have kids" that can't really just be disagreed on. And if you guys really had a core issue difference, then no matter how much you love each other, it's time to find another partner. You can of course love more than one person! Parents with multiple kids do this all the time. But you can only BE with one person, so the others you love as friends. That person you choose to BE with needs the core issues to match yours.
So it's very natural, if you guys decided you couldn't be with each other, that you would then try to find someone else to be with. That's how humans work. It's a shame you couldn't stay friends, but that also happens. So for her to date someone else is normal! Should she have stayed celibate forever out of "memory" for you, even though you guys had proven numerous times that you weren't appropriate partners for each other? That doesn't seem very healthy.
Her point about the other guy is that you and she had tried many times and found it could not work, and therefore both of you were actively looking for a new partner. It was therefore quite appropriate for her to date him. *However* when you date somone it should be because you're fully ready to date them and give them your very best shot. If she dated another guy and then went dancing right back to you, it would imply that she was NOT over you in the first place and had just been 'using' this other guy to HELP her get over you - i.e. a rebound guy. Which would be quite unfair to him, that he wasn't being dated for what he was and wasn't being given a fair shot. So her concern about that situation is pretty justified. It would imply that she had been unfair to that guy to date him at all, which she didn't want to think.
Anyway, for her to contemplate a core-issue stance change just to keep you in her life is a really bad sign. The most important thing in a partner is that they accept you fully for what you are. If you start changing your core values to "suit your partner" it is going to lead to unhappiness later on - because now you're being cared for because of a false front. While people can do that for a short time, over the long haul it really sucks to be loved because of something you just aren't. That causes people to divorce probably as much as any other reason. And it's really sad that she feels she has to make this change in order for you guys to care for each other.
So I would really say that you guys can remain best friends - many women have guys that are best friends and visa versa!! But to try to be PARTNERS when you have a serious issue between you is asking for trouble. And she should NOT feel like she will lose you if she is the way she is. You guys should be great friends, and there for each other, to support each other fully in life. And that life will include each of you finding people whose core beliefs NATURALLY match each other and who are loved and cared for just the way you are.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com