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Rest of my life
When I first saw him, I was a scared little freshman in High School sitting a table away from the wall as if hiding from the rest of the school. He sat at the table against the wall, hunched over in his jean jacket, staring from beneath his multi-colored sunglasses. My friend had her arms wrapped around him, her hand running through his hair. I rolled my eyes, she did that to all the guys she met.
A couple days went by, he sat at the same place with his guy friends and me with my girlfriends at the other table. Until one day, he sat alone. I stared at him until he looked at me then I looked away. I admit, he looked creepy. But I told myself that maybe he wasn't so bad if I sat down and talked to him. Another friend, Lex, looked at me and to him, then back to me. "That's Chris. He's a Junior, he's really cool, want me to call him over?" I nodded slowly, even thought I was freaking inside, I didn't show it to her.
He walked over and sat down, staring at me with those sunglasses on. He said, "Hey Lex." And to my suprise he didn't sound horrible. He didn't sound like a punk or bad guy that he potrayed to be in his looks. I smiled at him, and he smiled back. Lex introduced us and I started up a conversation about some random stories about Lex and I. He laughed and smiled. Before I knew it, he joined us for lunch the next day. Then the day after that.
I started dating this other guy, Jake. But Jake didn't want to be with me. It was clear. He'd stand on the other side of the room to avoid me. I would reach to hug him and he'd pull away. The only thing he did was join us at the lunch table too. I would try to talk to Jake but he'd give me one word answers like, "Yeah" and "Uh huh." But when I talked to Chris, he'd converse with me, share other silly stories he had with me, laugh with me. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. There were times I forgot that Jake was next to me and it would take a small noise or a movement to remember he was there. That's when I realized that I had a crush. Or was it a crush? Was it weird to skip to lunch knowing Chris would be there. Was it weird to stare at him when I told my stories and not even look at my other friends? Was it weird to wait on MSN messenger until he came on so I could talk to him? It was deffinatley a crush, and maybe a little more.
That's when I decided, I wanted to be with him. But I was still with Jake and I had a strick "no cheating" rule with myself. So I knew I had to break-up with him. I wasn't happy with him. I knew that. Every time I'd try to get together after school with Jake he'd give me excuses for me not to come over. So the day came where I took Jake outside and told him it was over. It broke my heart to see how hurt he was. I couldn't believe it. I felt so horrible walking back to the lunch room, having him sit by me in silence. But then again, he was always in silence. Chris looked at me and I mouthed that we had broken up and he mouthed back, "oh."
A few days later on MSN, I built up the courage and asked him out. He accepted. I was so exstatic that I skipped around the house...but then a day later we were on MSN and he told me that even though he said yes to my question he had been forced into a relationship with is best friend's sister. My heart broke, what did he mean by that? He continued to say how sorry he was and that her parents forced him into and he really didn't have a choice. I said it was okay, like any other girl would when they're hurt but don't want the guy to know.
So I watched him in the hallways with her, laugh with her, saw their prom photo. I felt defeated, I was never going to have him now. He was hers, not mine. But I continued to be his friend. Watching him in shadows and wishing it was me.
Sighing in defeated, I went back to Jake. I thought to myself maybe I had given up on him too soon. Maybe he was just as great as Chris and I didn't even know it yet. I was on and off with Jake for two years. But that was a whole year after we broke up for the first time. So, it was actually three years. One minute Jake would say he loved me and wanted to be with me, the next he told me he wanted someone else. He loved this other girl, wanted to be with a guy. Break-up, back togher, break-up again. Then when I thought he and I would get together the very last time I saw him, he used me for sex.
I broke. I gave up. I was done with men. I had gone through a lot of boyfriends before Jake also, and also during the huge heiatuses with Jake. I was done.
The summer before my senior year, and suddenly Chris pops up on MSN. We've been talking for years and I knew that him and the first girl had been long over. But soon after her he was with Rianne, then he obsessed over two of my other friends. He had no interest in me...I was just his friend. I told him what Jake had done and he became upset. "How dare he!" He said, "I hate him!" Then we began talking and somehow we got on the conversation on when I had first asked him out. I told him that I still had a crush on him and that's when he told me he's had a crush on me for the past four years too. I was shocked to hear it. Didn't I see him with two other girls and obsess over two of my drop dead gorgeous friends? I mean what was there to me? I was pudgy and a little insecure. And now I wasn't a virgin. What did he see in me? He said he would ask me out, but he was going through some family issues and didn't want to yet. I sighed, I knew that he probably would never do it.
I waited a week, two weeks, a month. he wasn't going to. That's when I decided to go out with a girl. I was sick of men. I was sick of waiting. But with her I wasn't happy. I saw her once a week. And when I was still with her, Chris texted me and said, "I was going to ask you out today but I heard you're taken." Today?! I thought, after three more months AFTER you said you were going to ask me out? I was outraged, but I was crushed to. I was with somebody, and I wasn't going to break up with her for him. I had already done that with Jake, I'd feel crappy if I did it again. But suprisingly, a week after he said that, she broke up with me. I was sad, but not completely.
I told him about the break-up a few days afterwards. Not even a second after I texted him that he wrote, "Please go out with me?" I felt afraid, after what Jake had done to me, did I want to chance it with him? Did I want to put my heart on the line again? Then I thought, I have waited four years for this. I accepted.
Our first date, October 17th 2008, he took me to the mall. And after a little while of window shopping and jokes, he reached out for my hand. I flinched at first, suprised, but then I held his back. It felt so nice in his. We went into Sports Authority, and in the rollerblade section, did he wrap his arm around my waste. I blushed red and he laughed. He said that he waited so long for us to be like this then asked if it was okay. I said it was okay for now. Truth was, I had dreamed for four years of us being this way too. In Earthbound, he bought me a necklace with the symbol for Aries on it and put it on me.
Afterwards, took me to Denny's were we ate and talked, mostly about our ex's, then about how wonderful our date is going. He drove me home but we still had some time to spare before I was expected so we went to the park and sat on the bench and cuddled close and talked. The wind blew and I shivered, he took off that jean jacket that I had seen him wear four years ago, and wrapped it around me. "I can't stand to see a girl cold, especially you." I hugged his jacket close to me, and he told me to keep it at least for the time being. When the time came to go home, he walked me to the door and hugged me, then wished me a good night. I walked into my house into my room and became that fourteen year old girl again. I squealed. I jumped on my bed and hugged his jacket.
A couple of days afterwards, we were snuggled on my couch and I looked at him and smiled and he smiled back. I was so happy, and so was he. It was werid being this happy, I've never felt like this. That's when he leaned in and I too, and we kissed. I melted into him, I waited so long for this, I had dreamt of this moment. It was like a dream. I heard that when you're in love you feel floaty, now I know the feeling. He told me that he loves me a couple of days after that, and I said it too and I meant it. I hadn't realize my "crush" wasn't just a crush. I really love him, I do. I just didn't realize until I opened up and let him in.
We spent our first Halloween together, we were both Vampires. Then our first Thanksgiving, Christmas. On Christmas, he gave me matching set of jewlrey, a necklace, a ring and earrings. And he and I both decided to make the ring a promise ring and I put it on my left ring finger. I still have it on there. We spend almost everyday together, and I'm planning on moving in with him on my eighteenth birthday April of 2009. It was like we're meant to be. We came over our fears from what we learned from our ex's and found what we wanted in each other. We always loved each other, we just didn't acknowledge it, we didn't see it, until now.
I'm just so happy I finally got my chance to be with such an amazing person, amazing man, and I hope that I'll spend the rest of my life with him and that this feeling never fades away.
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