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I can't stop loving him

Here goes my love story...

When I was 14, I met this guy at my church. When he saw me for the first time, he automatically liked me and didn't even bother hiding that. He would hit on me in public and stare at me 24 7 and I just started hating him... everything about him annoyed me. I hated his car, I hated his voice... I hated everything. Everyone knew how much he liked me and always told me to give him a chance because he was always so sad. Once there was a few of us together somewhere, and my friends set me up somehow that he had to give me a ride home. I was very mad and borrowed his cell phone and called my friend and talked to her on the whole way home not to have to talk to him. Later, where ever we went to hang out I always made sure to be as far away from him as possible. He also got my number somewhere and called me and I dreaded nothing more than that....

But.... soon things kinda started to change and I got a little nicer and stopped hating him.... we hung out... spent new years together at this party... I didn't like him or anything... just didnt hate him anymore.

On my 15th birthday, my friend hoooked up with this other guy who was was best friends with the guy that liked me. So a week later, they were going on their first date... a hike at Multnomah Falls. And she brought me along and he took him... When they ditched us to be alone on the hike, he turned to me and said "Will you go out with me?" . I wasn't shocked or anything, but didn't think he would have enough braveness to aske me out after I hated him for so long. But he did. I didn't like him... but for some reason decided to give it a chance like everyone told me to. I told him I would think about it. About two weeks later, I said yes. We officially began "dating".

For the first year, we didnt get to hang out much and just talked on the phone daily. I remember thining that he's very boring and that I have no use of a boyfriend that I barely hang out with.... I didnt like him even... I wanted to leave him, but just couldn't because I knew how much he loved me and what I would do to him if I left him. He told me "I love you" the first time on the way home from the falls, right after he asked me out, before even getting an answer. He loved me from day one and never bothered to hide it or play around. It was all straightforward. He told me he loved me every day. But I was still just kinda careless...

Because I was so careless... he even cheated on me with this girl from my church... and told me about it later. We talked for 7 hours that night.... but I never even cried a single tear about it. I was just surprised but I just didnt really care. For some reason... I decided to forgive him and not leave him.... but I still didnt like him that much...

Until we started hanging out a lot... about a year into the relationship. We started to spend time together almost every single day, and I really got to know him.... Something began changing. I realized that I kinda like him afterall. I was shocked. So surprised at myself.

Another year went by... I was crazy about him... I loved every moment together... Even though I never really told him that. Even at that time, he was still more crazy about me than I was. He spoiled me. He loved me so much and did everything for me.... and the impossible happened. I fell in love with him. Remembering how we met when I was in eighth grade and felt like he stalked me... I was shocked. But I didn't know what to do with myself... About two years after we started dating... One night, the day after my sophomore year ended... he brought me to this river late at night, our favorite place. We got out of the car, and then he got on one knee and opened a beautiful white ring box for me. I freaked out like crazy and told him to get up!!! He told me "I love you baby, I cant live without you" and gave me a promise ring, and told me that he will never leave me and we will get married in a year or two. I was very happy and very surprised, even though I saw Fred Meyer Jeweler's brochures in his car, but I didn't make the connection. When I came home and showed in to my parents, they were also happy as my whole family loved him.

But... often times when I looked at the ring... I felt like it was squishing my finger... like choking it... I still had a lot of commitmentphobia... I never had told him "I love you" yet. When he would say "I love you", I would reply with "Thank-you". I knew he waited every single day to hear those words from me.

During this time… I slowly started letting my guard down. My friends told me I was nuts for being so commitment phobic and not serious…. I was always that way, because I wanted to be free and I didn’t want anything serious. But after the promise ring and after being so crazy about him… I let my guard down and let myself like him more and more….

Another half a year later, I knew I was totally completely in love with him and he wanted to get married that following summer. I wanted to finish at least one year of college first... and he didn't have baptism yet, so he couldnt get married in church... So I said to wait one more year... that winter, I went to visit my home country for 3 weeks... I was so scared of being without him for so long... I knew I would miss him so so much... I didn't think I could live without him for so long. And the same for him. He cried when I was leaving. He told me not to go cuz I have his heart and I would be taking it with me and he couldn't live without it. During our two and a half years of dating... He didnt care about anyone else, including his friends, so I felt so bad for leaving him for so long... He had lots of friends, but he didn't care to hang out with them. I told him he should make more friend and have a fun Christmas and New Years.

He called me every single night to my aunts house in my home country... Usually not reaching me because I was at someones house... Since we were visiting for the first time in 8 years, lots of people invited us over...

When I finally retured to America, I was so happy to be with him again and we couldn't stop staring at each other and smiling and laughing like crazy! We loved to talk about our wedding plans and kids and happy home together more than anything!

But... alas... I started noticing like itty bitty teeny things about him... Things that he would either stop doing, or not do them the same... He started changing just a little bit... Like he wouldnt call me the second he'd get off work anymore like he always did. Or he wouldnt say the same things like always. Just bit by bit... he started changing. About half a year later... we stated having major problems. We didnt know why or how they started. Just constant fighting... Constant tears for me. We cried together so many times... but didnt know what it was.

Soon I saw a picture of an old friend of mine on his phone. I asked why does he have that? He said that he had her number saved under "A" in his phonebook and wanted to find out who it was. I was like "okay, now that you know, why do you still have her picture?" . He said "just do... she's nice... fun to talk to". And this came from the person who never ever texted or talked to any other girls. He never had that interest. I was shocked and hurt... A week later after more and more fights, we were talking at a park. He was crying... said he didnt know what was happening to him. He said he loved me like he always did, and wanted to be together more than anything. And that night I told him the magical words "I love you" for the first time ever, despite our very long relationship. But it seems to me like he no longer treasured them as much.

From that time on, it was just fighting after fighting. We would try different things to work it out... but it wouldn't. We even spent the day at the ocean once... and it was one of the best days of my life. We thought that we would just work things out, cuz we both knew how much the other loved them and how committed we were to one another.

But things didn't get any better... He became cold and mean.... and every day of that summer I cried and cried and cried and didn't know what to do. We had a few really good long talks, after which things fell back into place for a bit... but not for long.

The last such talk we had was on a Monday night. We sat in the car and cried and talked for 4 hours and re-established everything we knew: we love one another and want to be together.

But thing went wrong once again. Soon he refused to ever have a good long talk... because he knew that would bring us back together... and day after day of him being cold and mean and so different... we just grew apart so much that we wouldn't be talking anymore. I just cried day and night, and have never been so depressed in my life. And that is the end of my story... No, there isn't a "lived happily ever after" ending that I so often dream about. Some miracle didn't happen and get us back together.

Now, half a year later....

Not a day goes by when I dont think about him. Every time I saw him afterwards made me cry, no matter where I was.... Now I haven't seen him for a few months...
I just hear things about him and his many girlfriends. Or him and his new steady girlfriend... and wonder why does he get happiness and all I get is just one miserable life...

I'm 18... He's 20. This summer was going to be our wedding. We had all those plans... But now, in seven days... what would have been our official three year annivesary.... I will get to sit at a wedding, where he will be the best man... and watch him and cry... and think about how this was going to be my wedding day.

Any other guy that comes along, doesn't live up to his standards... Maybe they do, but not for me. And every day I miss him more and more... and my loneliness and depression overtake me when I have a minute off college and my two jobs...

Why can't I stop loving him?


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