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Only those who have ever found their true love can describe it,

A true love. I went through childhood and 12 years of marriage with not really knowing what love is. There are so many levels of love. But when one thinks of that one true love... can anyone describe it? Will they know what it looks like? What it feels like?

As a child, I closed my heart at an early age because of the betrayal from my mom. When anyone got close I backed off, not allowing anyone in. I was stationed in Korea and met this guy. I fell head over heels for him. He wasn't wanting a commitment and I wasn't either but I thought about him all the time. I had feelings for him but I didn't know what they were. We left Korea, I went to the states and he went to Germany. We kept in contact for sometime. He wanted me to come to Germany. I knew in my heart that we couldn't make it work. I didn't go. Later, I married my husband because I got pregnant. Guess what... being pregnant doesn't equal love. But I stayed for years, despite being controlled. I went to bible studies, was mentored by women because I couldnt love my husband and I figured something was wrong with me. Yet,my mind would always think of the guy I met in Korea. I had no idea why. I prayed that God would help me get him out of my mind AND my dreams. I began counseling and dealt with alot of things. My heart was starting to open up and I was ready to love and be loved. Throughout my whole marriage I tried to make our marriage a priority but my husband didn't. He became physical with me once and I shut down my heart toward him. (I am getting to the good stuff) During this time, I was looking for information on my dad who was missing in WWII. The man's name I met in Korea, came up. He used to work for the Veterens office in DC. I contacted him to see if he could help me. He gave me contact names of individuals who would help me. He wanted to know how I was doing, I updated him on where I was in life and what I had been doing. He updated me as well. I figured that would be the end of it. But we continued to email each other. (this is 13 years later since we met in Korea). We never really talked much about our spouses. But became friends very quickly. I knew I loved him right away. That those feelings I had for him years ago was love which is why I couldnt stop thinking about him. I kept that to myself. He was married as well. I was just enjoying the friendship. Then one day, my husband, who over time had became an angry man and would rage, this particular time, he took it out on me. Scared me so much. He blamed me of course. so my husband and I started counseling together. Nothing improved but I decided that I was going to stick with the marriage for the kids sake. Then a few months later, he raged again. That is when I stopped trying. Told him I didn't love him and I have been trying for years but he has given me nothing in return. Meanwhile, my friend told me that he and his wife had been struggling for about 2 years and have been in counseling since then. He confided in me that she didn't love him and they didn't have any intamacy at all. I knew I fell in love with him but I wouldn't tell him. My friend is a very patient person and was trying really hard with his marriage. I didn't want to jeapordize that.

Fast forwarding, 2 years after the first time we started emailing each other, we did fall in love. We are very close. He has allowed me to open myself up and has loved me in ways no man has ever. He has a gentle soul, a kind heart and very sensitive. In return, he has allowed me to love him by opening his heart to me. I have no fear with him and feel very comfortable with sharing myself with him on every level. We aren't together. He is still in the military and currently is getting ready to go to Iraq. But we talk every day, usually twice, we text throughout the day and email. We get together whenever we can to see each other. The level of our love goes beyond any feelings I have ever had. Feelings I never knew existed. Everything in my life has changed. I have flourished as a person and in life. We tell each other that we are like teenagers in love. (I am 35 he is 39). He is all I think about. I used to think about him morning, day and night, now I think about him morning day and night. The feelings of excitement in the beginning, the butterflies, the "can't eat" feelings, the giggles all changed to a much deeper love. A love of respect, closeness, openess, passion, desires, trust, wants and needs. A love that no one can describe unless they have found it. I feel blessed everyday and thank God for the love that I have been shown. He is my soul mate because I feel his love in my soul. When we aren't talking, I feel his love deep within. I have no fears. I have no doubts. I still get butterflies after all this time. I still long to hear from him. I get so excited when I see him. He tells me that he knows I love him and that is comforting because I do and he feels it. He tells me that he loves it when he sees me because he sees how excited I am to see him and how much I love him. I can see in his eyes that he loves me. I can tell in his actions and in his words. I can tell in his voice.

I dont' know what will happen in the end. I dont know if he will come home from Iraq. But what I do know is that I know what love is because he showed me and he allowed me to love him back. He is my once in a lifetime love. I pray everyday that we can be together and that I can grow old with him. I pray that God doesn't take him away from me. yet I thank God for not letting me forget him all these years. Timing is everything and our timing is now. My only fear is that we wont get to live our life together. But at least I have been loved and I have loved. I love him with all my heart and soul. It is beautiful, our love. It is rare but time, patience and faith is what allowed us to find each other.

So to answer my questions. Only those who have ever found their true love can describe it, feel it and knows what it looks like. Their life will change forever.


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