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For only when he dumped me, I realised how much I really and honestly love him.

I am a kind of girl that doesn't get dumped or rejected too often, and a girl that usually dumps the boy not the other way round.
But this is not because I am selfish or too proud, it's just because I can't in a way talk about my feelings and I get too shy in front of a boy I go out with. Or I get so embarassed that I get the boy and myself into a tense and embarassing situation, as I can't think of anything appropriate to say or when asked something to answer. May be it's got something to do with me being foreighn (as in my country I wasn't shy), or another example is that I could talk to my crush in my country properly and in England I can't.
A few months ago, I was recovering from a long heartbreak, which started last summer as my crush went out with another girl - acting as thought I didn't exist.
And then one of my long hight school friends, told me his true feelings for me, which was quite a shock to me, as the boy wasn't a type, that went out with girls (I'm not saying that he was ugly, in fact he was/I mean he IS cute).
As I knew that my relationship with boys didn't end well, and usually when I went out with a boy, I ended up dumping him, when realising that I could spoil my stupid reputation. So I dumped the boy saying that I was really sorry, but that I realised I didn't love him really. I went out with two of my friends (obviously not at the same time), whom I really liked, and dumped them and ended up destroying everything there was ever between us. And of course loosing their friendship...
But as I was saying, my relationship with boys didn't end well, so I ended up rejecting my friend Tommy (not his real name), but I was relieved when he asked me if we still could be friends.
But to my horror I couldn' t help being nice and kind to Tommy and he thought that I must have liked him, so he asked me out second time. This time, I knew that I would never get the love of the other boy, and as I thought I had nothing to loose, (in which I was soooooo wrong), and I at least cheered myself up, by saying to myself that I would make someone else happy (which I sooooooo didn't), so I told Tommy that I would.
He told me that he loved me (did he?), and I told him that I loved him (DID I????)
We were a happy couple, (me acting as a loving girlfriend - I am not saying that I wasn't happy, it's just that I wasn't in love) and everybody thought how cute we looked together.
And then the stupid embarassing and tense moments came (he didn't help me either, as he was a bit shy himself) and I knew it was the time to finish it and tell Tommy that I changed my mind and that I didn't love him. But to my horror I couldn't. For some reason I couldn't look into his eyes and tell him that I didn't love him. Because as I realised then, if I told him that, it would have been a lie...
And then I had to go to my country for two weeks and to my depression Tommy didn't text me or call me at all. But my friend, cheared me up a bit, saying that he was probably just busy.
After the holidays, I came back to England, looking forward to meeting Tommy. When I looked at him, he was the same boy I hugged before I left to my country, but as I realised few moments later, he somehow changed, in a way that I couldn't explain (then). I was very surprised, as in the following week, he didn't hold my hand once, and in lessons didn't stare at me as he used to.
And that's when I got frightened and knew, as I I knew that my relationships with boys were disastrous, that it was not going to end well.
Two weeks, after I came back, Tommy started to become himself again (that's what I thought). He even hugged me and I thought that everything would be okay again (wrong again). Only an hour later, the boy, who I thought I had nothing to loose with, dumped me, saying that we both changed over the holidays.
What was more, he told his friend the real reason why he dumped me. ! I was too boring for him !
First two days I ignored him completely, being totally in shock. But then I realised I was being stupid, and felt sorry for him, as it wasn't his fault at all. More over, other people (my friends) were horrible to him, because he dumped me, which as I look at it now was unfair.
So I had to put my feelings aside and asked him if we still could be friends...
Now, my heart is breaking every time I look at him. When I stare at him, he doesn't know about it, as he doesn't look up at me, he doesn't talk to me anymore...
Everyday I am getting tortured and punished for an unknown reason. For only when he dumped me, I realised how much I really and honestly love him.


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