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I love him even though he's more than a thousand miles away.


I met him some 13 years ago this november. I was only 11 years old. My word, he was a dork. That first time we met he gave me a stupid rock and told me it was a friendship rock and that I should keep it. He turned his back and I chucked it over my shoulder. All the while thinking he was a short ugly troll who smelled funny. A year later I was in love. We were friends, did almost everything together. I'm not sure he even went out on a date that I wasn't there. He graduated highschool in 1995. That tore me apart from the inside out. I cried and cried never knowing why. It was the year I turned 14 that I pin pointed what it was about him. I wanted to date his best friend.... my friend wanted him. I was inexplicably jealous becuase she wanted him but I ignored it because I really didn't know what it was or why I was jealous. 2 days after my birthday he shows up with my gift. (looking back I guess it took more courage to give it to me than I saw back then) Sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor, knee deep in clothes and papers I open a box. Inside stands a clown no more than 3 inches tall. He is dressed as a prisoner with a ball and chain around his feet and a card that says I love you. I thought it was cute and put it in the box. ( funny how I never realized he might have been trying to say something more than happy birthday) 2 days after that figure I pin pointed the fuzzy warmth when he was around and the urge to always be with him... LOVE... pure love... with the prompting and assistance from my mother and my aunt I worked up the courage to tell him how I felt.
He already knew but made me squirm to say it. June 17th my dreams came true. I told him "I love you" From that day forward I walked on air. 18 months I walked on air... sure we had our ups and downs but everything was him. October 17th of 1998 is the worst day of my life. I got the phone call no one wants to hear.... I love you but I want to be a monk... Now I know what you are thinking here... I did to... for about 6 years I thought that....

When he told me my whole world went dark... the stars shatterd and I couldn't breathe. I sat there against my wall with my best friend telling me I was going to be alright... I knew I wasn't... He was my everything.... Weeks I cried.. I slept with my mom and dad everynight to ease the pain... nothing helped.... time went by and I found someone who intruiged me. I used him as a shield to deflect an advances my true love made... Repeatedly telling my angel no I won't go back and each time regreting it more and more....

I spent years telling myself he doesn't love me, get over it, move on... Truth be known I can't move on.... I married and had children becuase I didn't think he'd come back... When he did (after my divorce) I thought he only wanted to marry me to escape marrying a woman he didn't want to... (never did i see that maybe he asked because he loved me) Once again I regreted my decision and bit the bullet to live with my mistakes. Live with them I have and do... my mistakes for walking away from love....

I recently got to see the Love of my soul. Everything hit me in on clear bolt of lightning, clarity came to what had been previously gray.... All the things I've spent so long telling myself are wrong... MOM was right... he does love me... I love him... It's more than love... to be honest... it's pure devotion and tendenress... Love is too light of a word to describe what I mean. Though we aren't together... I love him... always have, always will... But now I know he loves me too... and when he's ready to come home to my heart... my heart is waiting for him... I hope he doesn't waste our only life on a notion of statistics....
I want to let him know that I love him even though he hates my music loud. I love him even though he's always busy. I love him even though he anyalyzes my every thought... I love him even though we aren't togther.. I love him even though he's more than a thousand miles away. I love him even though he's a goof... I love him even though he won't dance with me in the rain or make love to me alonside the highway.... I just LOVE HIM!! Angel darling.... I love you!! Please hurry home!!


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