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It became a roller coaster ride from some other world.
I grew up with "Keenan" but never thought it would come to this. This is a relationship that caused me the greatest highs and lows in my life. No one could understand just why I pined over this person. I knew him very well at 7 years old. He was my good friend's brother and what a pain in the butt he was. I was always breaking fights up between the two of them. I can't understand what the attraction was..except not normal because I hated him. So between 7 and 14 I was fairly safe, although he did destroy my bike once and did other mean things. He was always around and I practically lived at their house. I was very close to his family. We became teenagers and I had too much to drink one night and he started kissing me. Well, Ok, I thought I had too much to drink and it was a MISTAKE. It happened about a month later and we kissed, nothing too heavy. Ok, another one night stand....MISTAKE, decided I shouldn't drink anymore (but that's another story). I was about 16 and he was 15. Nothing serious between Keenan and I mind you. Our crowd did a lot of pot smoking and drinking in those days and that was our social life in the late 70's. I met a boy at school at 16 and started going out with him. This relationship lasted a year and I cried when it ended. Keenan was there again, but he wasn't really there because "this was all a mistake" mind you. I got a strange feeling that he actually had feelings for me in the months that followed. Our "one night stands" began again a few months after this break up. They didn't bother me much, they were kind of fun. I never really understood or believed they meant much more than that.
On his birthday I went out to dinner with him and a few other friends. I got drunk I had no actual commitmentto him. I was drunk and my old boyfriend started kissing me, what was I supposed to do? (drinking was a problem but that's another story). Well, Keenan got really angry and wrote some really bad things about me on my locker at school the next day so that everyone else could see it as well.
I should have ran while I had the chance but I really never believed he had true feelings for me, I thought we were just fooling around the whole time. We had no committment, we never had "sex" at that young age. As I said, anyone else would have RAN but it made me think about what must have been going on in his head when he wrote that. He was mad that I left with another guy.... Ha he actually had a crush on me! He was really angry, he really had
feelings, this was both passionate and scary. I was feeling overwelmed with a sence of power that he inspired in me and this where my feelings changed. Was my self esteem that bad ? Maybe, but he was getting cuter and cuter to me by the month.
About a year later and many really sweet one nighters spent with Keenan and I was crazed. The one nighters were never more than that... one nighters. This soon became a love addiction for me. He left me for other women later. I was angry but OH WELL, we never had a committment. I left him for other men too. We both had plenty of real relationships but never with each other. There was a lot of highs and lows. I would have given myself to him if he wanted but he never asked. I tried to ask but I don't know if I could. We were like enemy lovers. I hate you I love you. It became a roller coaster ride from some other world.
But it really was great, mysterious, romantic, and heart pounding. I wanted so much more. I wanted to really love him but I couldn't break through a barrier called "this isn't really happening." I cried a lot, too much, stood objectively looking at myself wondering how this ever could have happened and how this grew to be such an issue.
I eventually moved on. Got married, had children. We both grew up he moved out of state "thank God" I thought to myself when he did as I was at his mercy married or not. I figured a 1000 miles physically between us would be an excellent idea by the time I was 29 or 30. These one nighters, by the way, went on just that long for about 10 years. Can anyone relate or explain. Can anyone tell me how immature we both were ?
As I write this I am in my 40's, married for 16 years, I have a wonderful life. I incidentally dropped Keenan a line on classmates, feeling done with this by this now, right?
Well, he calls me at about 12:30 one night in my office and starts saying ...it should have been me living with you now and not him, and so many, many other things and we were both practically crying on the phone (this is 16 years later we are both in our 40's) and whatever happened ? We talked for maybe an hour or so. I told him I was just his "booty call" back then and he said no...that wasn't true and I knew he was right. There was too much history between us for something as trite as booty call to be the reason.
We talked a few times after that but he didn't talk very much and hung up on me a few times. He was divorced once and recently left a long term relationship. I am still married to a great man and I have 3 children with my husband. I email him a lot now. He thinks I'm crazed but who wouldn't be. I have never cheated on my husband of 16 years and never wanted to before. I sowed my wild oats, moved on, and settled down. What? I ask has happened to my world since this phone conversation?
I cried every night for a month after that call. I was on a perscription medication and thought maybe that was making me depressed. I did stop crying after getting off the medicine but the obsessing hasn't left me. He came back to my area for a few days but he refused to see me. I think he is still scared of me.
Can anybody help me I talked to him around May 29th it is now July 13, 2005 and I think I need psychiatric help or have unresolved deep issues with him. I know that I still love him and always did and always will yet it was all so torrid and full of fear and lies but really exciting too. I wish we could have both seen each other differently and found comfort in each other instead of fear. Talk about emotions and uncertainty. Tell me what this is reader? I still feel the same about Keenan that I did when I was 18. I love my kids more than this so I would never jump ship just to become a slave for romance....but the need to just touch him one more time is incredible. It hurts. Never thought that the same 10-year old boy I used to know would destroy me the way he did. Sometimes I think Lady Justice brought this romance into my life to teach me a lesson and bring me some pay back for similar heartache I may have brought in someone in my past. I listen to the song Landslide by Stevie Nicks and feel myself getting older and wondering if my whole life isn't just a big lie.
If anyone can offer me some wisdom I would greatly apprecite it. Thank you for reading my story.
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