I just don't know... (long)
This is probably not the time or place to write out my feelings, but I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it.
I have recently moved away from my girlfriend. My girlfriend was amazing in the beginning. It seemed like she really wanted to be with me. We went to the same school, so it was really easy to see her on those days that I couldn't go out. We even spent every weekend together. I fell in love with her, particularly her smile, honesty and kind nature. She was that other piece to my heart that completes me finally.
We spent LITERALLY every day together for at least some point in time. I put everything I could into the relationship. I put in love, effort, time, commitment and money. She gave back these when she could, but when she couldn't, I was still satisfied.
She told me everything. Even things I didn't necessarily want to hear (EVERYTHING about past boyfriends, etc.). I was glad she could at least be honest with me, so I gave her back that honesty tenfold and have never lied to her.
After awhile, she seemed unpredictable. When I couldn't be with her, she was out hanging out with guys that I didn't know. It seemed like she had friends everywhere I turned. She would go out drinking with her friends from school, even making out with a girl from time to time (which I told her she could do, as long as I was with her). At least these were people I was familiar with. Then there were the guys she would go with at 2 AM to beaches to drink and "hang out". I told her I would be fine with that after awhile as long as she gave me curteous texts every so often. She said she would do me that, but it ended up with her texting me every hour or so, sometimes she wouldn't text me for a few hours. I don't know if this is considered being clingy, but I would do her the courtesy of that - especially if I was with someone she didn't know. I just thought that was something people would do naturally to be considerate to their partner.
We would be in my friend's house (who really wanted her to be his girlfriend), and she would go into the other room to hang out with him while I sat around by myself to do nothing. She would apologize later when I confronted her on her lack of interest for me saying that that "friend" was just doing interesting things. It happened everytime. This friend also offers to pick her up anytime she wishes, and drop her off anytime. A bit nice for my liking. I confronted him as well and he said he was sorry.
One time when she went to hang out with other people, and even sleep over at a guy's house who i vaugely knew, a guy was talking to her about marrying her. She told me, which crushed me. She said she would just sit there and listen, which I don't think is a good thing to do. Listening means you are somewhat interested, or just don't know how to get out of the situation right? So why put yourself IN that situation????? I even gave her tips on how to get out of those situations.
It happened once again when she was out with more people I didn't know, but the details were very vauge and I didn't really know what happened. The topic was avoided and eventually dropped, because I got nowhere with it.
She just concluded a trip where she was out drinking with friends from her school in 8th grade when her "friends" (2 of them) made moves on her. I don't know what happened, and I don't know what to believe at all. It's hard to believe anything that happens on those nights because I told her these things WILL happen if she puts herself in these situations. Is this just the 'girls liking attention' thing though? She told me she doesn't know how to keep away from these guys (it's pretty obvious - don't hang out with people who are shady), but she said she would shove them away if they made moves on her. Hopefully that is something I can trust. She also told me that night that she wasn't drunk, then she told me that her vision was blurry so she couldn't mail me often, then she told me she wasn't drunk and finally told me that she was drunk 10 minutes ago. I don't know what to believe, again.
I could not get mad at her, basically because I wanted to trust her and still want to.
At one point after sex, she dropped a bomb on me. She said that she hadn't wanted sex more than half the times we actually had it. I considered our sex as not only sexually appealing, but emotionally. I felt a "connection", that connection where you two become one. I loathe people who force sex upon their partners, so that was a big downfall in our relationship for me, especially realizing that she did not view sex in the same manner. I laid off, so as to be considerate towards how she felt on this matter. Later she changed the story and said it was "spur of the moment" and that it was untrue. I don't know how to beleive that one.
She always makes everything seem like my fault, but maybe it is. I don't know what to think about anything anymore honestly. I try so hard to keep in contact with her now that I'm away from her. One recent conversation was summed up with "I took advantage of your love".
She knew it, or knows it now and does nothing to change the fact that she did. She said she was sorry everytime something happened that I didn't like, but the same EXACT thing would happen over and over again. I learned to deal with it by endulging myself in marijuana and alcohol. An escape to what I had to deal with. (When I was with her drinking or getting high, she would not be having fun. But everytime I heard of her drinking with other people, she had an amazing time.) Maybe I'm a boring guy, but my friends sure don't think so. Finding out that she knew and even put out the words "I took advantage of your love" was another Huge blow towards me. I was crushed. I don't show my emotions, I don't cry (EVER), but I cried myself to sleep that night. I've been taken advantage of girls before, so maybe I fall too hard for them? Maybe getting involved is just a complete waste of time and by putting the girls that I date up on the pedastool that I do, I am only digging myself into a hole.
I stay up until 8 AM in Virginia to talk to her in Japan so the time is convienient for her. I get an email from her cell phone once every 15 minutes or so and constantly look over at my computer. I just want to hear from her. She says her life is uneventful and she has nothing to look forward to while I'm not there, yet she's always out having tons of fun without me it seems like.
I just don't know what to do, don't know who to tell. I always try to talk to her about it, but it always ends in hostility or just constant "sorry"s. I don't think that is enough.
If you've gotten to this point, maybe you can offer me some advice on what to do. I am going to talk to her about it as best I can, with the least amount of hurt involved. I don't want her to continue to take advantage of my love for her, but I don't want to stop loving her like i truly do. I want to give her the world, but I don't know how to do this without receiving at least a few things in return.
The few things I need are -
Consideration for my feelings like not being with guys who I don't know alone while drinking or anything.
Some more interest and time commitment.
Appreciation of what I do for her.
Maybe I'm being bamboozaled and she's taking advantage of me. Maybe I'm too clingy. Maybe she doesn't love me as much as I love her. I want to trust her, want to beleive her, but she honestly doesn't make it any easily to achieve this piece of mind.