Every time i do it its more devastating!

First time i felt like a champ, player, bla bla bla (we were only together for a while) 2nd 3 and 4 partner felt bad for a day or 2.... then half year i didn't do anything, but then one night i took some spacecake and just couldnt sleep, felt sooo bad that i could hurt the one i love soo deeply... soon after that i whent out with some friends, drank more alcohol and snorted more coke (which i never do actually)than really is huanly possible, was completely nobliverated and decided to take a girl home... i chose not to last second and sent her home, I then redirected my self towards the red light as i thought this would be a simple non emotional type of masterbation... I was wrong!!!! This devastated my honor beyond repair and still to this day feel like a coward, sleezy, worthless piece of crap... The next day made love to my girl and when she left i cried like the bitch i am for hours..