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Still making sense of it all

Still Making Sense of It All

“Look at me dreaming of you, all I could hope is to have you, to have you walking with me laughing so in love….”
- “Fool to Think” by Dave Matthews Band

He was not too tall maybe a little shorter then me, but his ego would make him the tallest of us. Selfish in everyway imaginable, but pretends to have a heart of a saint. Warm brown eyes only found in dreams, a chiseled jaw that could be sketched with an artist’s pen, but this would eventually become characteristics of a man who broke me and left me to make sense of a friendship I was insure of myself. J* an old lover and best friend showed me that there comes a time when I should step aside and ask myself, “How do I feel?” Though our friendship and love no longer exist, J* showed me there comes a time where I should be selfish, and that I should not feel inferior to anyone.
When J* and I first meet it was an immediate friendship. We meet through a mutual friend, who was eager to introduce us to one another. I was excited about meeting Jonathon because I had heard much about him through others. On a November night we met, the sky was full of stars, the wind was constant with a crisp-fresh smell, and the ground was still covered in snow from the previous week’s storm. J* was dressed in a pastel-green cashmere sweater that seemed softer then rabbit’s fur, neutral colored khakis, and he smelled fresh as if he just stepped out of the shower moments before he shuck my hand. The night was brilliant because never had I meet someone that I had as much in common with as I did him.
One year an a half later after meeting, J* and I grew not only as best friends but also as lovers. With J* it was more then physical because we’d stay up at night talking about our future, pass, and making one another laugh. In the beginning J* would make eye contact with me when the room was filled with people, making me feel like I was the only person in the room, and he would smile at me for no reason giving me the goose bumps you only get before riding a roller coaster. After awhile I watched J* hold no interest in what I wanted to do. I felt trapped only being with him and his friends. J* made me feel like my friends were bacteria that eating away at my time with him. After this occurred for awhile I began to alienate my friends because I was too busy making him happy.
Even with the selfishness of J* came his egotistical attitude toward me. I never got to know someone that was quick to tell you that you were not as good as he. J* made me feel insecure about my self-image, when we went shopping together he made outrageous remarks concerning my waist size being too big, and that I simply was too big to even date him. To go to outrageous measures meant sticking my index finger down my throat, feeling wetness escape from my eyes like a leak in a ceiling, and the damage I was causing my body was what I classified making someone happy . There was no pleasing Jonathon so this past December two days after Christmas I expressed emotion I never spoke. Needless to say his response never failed to amaze me. “E*, it really doesn’t matter because you’re not my type,” J* mumbled underneath his breath.
“What do you mean?” To hear J* say this had to be the same as one-thousand needles being stuck into a back. With the sternest look in his eyes staring at mine without blinking, J* bravely says,
“I’ve tried to be attracted to you but I am not attracted to black guys.” I could not believe this was coming out the mouth of a boy I had dated two years. After hearing I was not good because of my skin color, I walked out of J*’s door and I never looked back.
I learned that I need to go for what I want, and that if I am investing time in someone I need them to be giving some of what I want. I did not get that from J*, he never offered to nurture my wants and needs, yet I was always sacrificing. Most do not see the positive in past relationships with sad endings but sometimes it is where the most influence is found. Even today I am still trying to make sense of or unstable relationship. I know that I have learned to feel better about myself and to take care of what I need. I still struggle on how to grasp why I let someone talk to me the way he did.


5.00 out of 5 slimes

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