Tales of the Ex @ RomanceClass -|
The dreams were extremely vivid
We met through my roommate. He is her boyfriend's best friend. I was so excited about our first date, more excited than I had been for awhile. It was perfect. Dinner, ice cream, and a movie. We were together constantly following that night. I would ruch through my obligations everyday and spend the evenings with him. We went on a weekend trip with my roommate and her boyfriend and had a blast. I loved his family and I am sure they felt the same way. For the first time in my like I let a man into my heart. I was so comfortable with him, and when I wasn't with him, I was thinking of him. I got used to belonging to someone else, knowing that I was cared for by a man that I cared for. Then all of a sudden I realized that I was over. I cried the night before the break up because I knew somehow it wouldn't go any farther. I have never cried like that over a man. I just kept repeating "I'm not ready for it to be over" in my mind. The next day I decided that I had been being overly emotional and to disreguard my feeling. By that evening I decided to call him and let him know what my thoughts were. I didn't know how to initiate the conversation because I was terrified of it could end. I asked him, "do you want to be in this relationship anymore?" That's when he ended it. He said he didn't see his feelings evolving for me anymore than they already had. I was crushed. All of the songs and quotes about heartache all of a sudden made sense to me. I loved him and he didn't love me back. I wanted him, but he just didn't want me.
I went out with some friends that night and drank my pain away. I talked about him like he was an asshole. But, the entire time I knew I was being fake. I hated the feeling he was causing me to feel, but I still loved him. I dreamt of him that night and woke up extrmely early. It was so difficult to remind myself that he wasn't mine anymore, that I was alone, and that I would never embrace him again. I went out again with friends that evening, but had a little less to drink. I had the hardest time falling asleep that night because he was all I could think of. And, when I finaly did sleep, I dreamt of him again. The dreams were extremely vivid, and they were of him asking me back. The emotion I felt when I kissed him again in my dreams were more powerful than anything I could have imagined. Then I had to remind myself in the morning that it was merely dreams of our love, and reality was harsh and cruel. A couple more days have past since, and I am still in pain, but I'm sleeping with no dreams (and no dreams are better than dreams of him) But yesterday he returned my things. I couldn't be there for that, because it would have started the entire roller coaster all over again. My roommate was there though. I keep asing her if he's saying anything about it all, if he seems upset at all. She tells me that he hasn't talked about it. I know he has. I know she knows something but isn't telling me, which leads me to believe that it isn't what I want to hear because what I want to hear is that he regrets what he did, that he was just scared because he started to love me too, that it was the biggest mistake he's ever made, and that he wants me back. I guess he just dosn't feel that way. I guess it really is over.
I know that I will be fine, I know that I will find someone better one day, but today it hurts. The only thing that I don't know is if I'll ever fix this part of my heart.
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