Tales of the Ex @ RomanceClass -|
USE CAUTION!!! They call them EXES for a reason
My Ex turned out to have many other victims and is destroying lives. He has two young kids and a wife who are being destroyed as well. I wasn't random like many predator abusers - I was TARGETED!- by someone I had known for over 26 years.
The man I speak of is named J. We were intimate briefly in undergrad school. He left to go to another school and I didn't hear from him until April 2002, when he emailed me "out of the blue." Seems he got my email address from Classmates.com where J has contacted other old friends, too. (he has since removed himself from that site - gee wonder why?)
He was unemployed at the time (formerly the publisher of a children's magazine) so had the time to IM me every day. We caught up and J quickly initiated an emotional affair. He found out that I have a child, am disabled and divorcing due to verbal and emotional abuse. He was extremely sympathetic about other abusive relationships I had been trapped in and my new internet "love" couldn't have been nicer. As soon as I got comfortable with this emotional cyber affair, the love bombing began.
This man likes cybersex and initiated it with me rapidly. I told him to slow down, I wanted lunch or coffee with him, a face to face, in order to catch up. "You are moving too fast," I told him. J began pushing to meet me at a hotel right away but I told him no. So he refused to see me! Even tho I was 10 minutes from his office (when he found work again), he kept telling me he "couldn't control himself" around me. The "not even lunch" but "meet me in a hotel," was confusing, especially since he'd convinced me we were "falling in love" again and "it was meant that [he] found me" after all this time.
J told me he couldn't see me socially because, "I'll have to make some hard decisions about my marriage even if we just see each other as friends."
I told him I was not comfortable getting involved with someone who was married with children. Numerous times I asked him to please change this relationship as I would like to meet his family - figuring that would cool him off & make things more "normal." After my reality shots, he would distance himself from me for a few weeks and come back with a vengeance. J used a lot of "confusing talk" with me and then played dumb. He would twist things, making it seem like I was acting overbearing and aggressive when he had initiated and encouraged my interest.
This man elicited sympathy from me by saying that ADHD was his "problem." He has told me he is on Wellbutrin, and called them his "happy pills." My new cyber love-interest also bragged that he had a friend whose mom worked at Pfizer so he could get his Vitamin V (Viagra). This he needed, you understand, because his wife was so cold and unfeeling towards him. He shared these things with me not as "sob stories" mind you, but as one old friend telling another the truth about how their life had turned out and asking me for advice. As much as I care for him, I continued to attempt to talk to him about being more honest with his wife and to work on his marriage. I encouraged counseling, heart to heart talks (J told me he & his wife went out to dinner every Saturday night - sometimes alone - perfect opportunity to come clean with her!)
In September 2002 my ex husband hacked some files on my computer regarding this emotional affair. The abuse from my ex escalated. Because of my feelings for J, I defended him. Sharing my predicament with J, his response was to distance himself for weeks. When he contacted me again, it was as if the emotional stuff between us NEVER happened. When I did bring it up, I got MORALITY lectures as if I was the one who began this "affair."
As many abused women (I had been raised by an abusive parent) do, I rationalized it. I remembered him as a very sweet, quirky person in college. He had been the great love of my life and it was easy to be grateful for the attention and friendship and rationalize away his inconsistencies. We continued talking for many months as friends.
J finally admitted to me he was addicted to online-porn, roll-playing and masturbating. He masturbated to me live on web cam once (NOT at my request) and sent me pictures of his ***** and a number of pornographic images. These I deleted immediately but allowed him to send in the name of friendship. He started requesting I do things for him on web cam all the while telling me it was "the only safe way we could be together." I was very hesitant, confused and unable to identify the game. He would then apologize profusely for even asking. And then beg. I cared very deeply for him but this was getting crazier by the minute. If I hadn't known him for so long - I would have drop kicked him, but by then he'd twisted me into an emotional pretzel.
He would justify the occassional cybersex or his love talk as being "the only safe way we can be together" and then the next day or even an hour later act like he didn't remember what had happened. Sometimes he'd trivialize our relationship. Many times he told me he was 'sick' and 'needed help' but when I offered to help he placated me and did nothing. Astonishingly, J even told me, "I look at every woman like they are just a hole." Do these guys even remember who they are talking to?
Obviously, I realize now, he's a sex addict, among other things (possibly bi-polar?). The things he wanted me to do became rougher and cruder and I said to say "No" to him. Even tho I had had a prior relationship with him, this was ALL waaaay out of character for me. I even stopped speaking to him for weeks at a time because I felt he'd lost interest and I was so uncomfortable. I was vulnerable and flattered by his interest so I kept forgiving and going back, telling myself, "After all, we are good friends."
I wanted desperately to see him, I thought if he saw how much I had changed things would calm down and eventually gave an ultimatum. Finally, we ended up having lunch--just once, in Manhattan in Fall 2003. It didn't go well. J was stand-offish and didn't look me in the eye. The conversation revolved around pleasantries with ZERO acknowledgement of what had passed between us. He positioned us at a table where he could sit FAR away from me. Besides the remoteness and stinging reserve, the most disturbing thing he did was upon leaving. There was a short flight of stairs to negotiate. I gingerly walked by the wall so I could steady myself. Due to my disability, my legs aren't always reliable. Rather that stepping in and helping me, like most normal people do, he stood at the bottom of the stairs and backed away like I was a monster.
I cried in the car on the way home. This is a pattern for most abused women. They get charmed into an emotional attachment, allow abuse in the name of love or loyalty, get hurt and begin to doubt themselves and their worth, then rationalize away the abuse when the charm is turned on again, and finally, insanely, they think they can help the guy understand what he has done and help him change! We are good natured, loyal and loving idiots regarding this pattern. Sad to say, I allowed myself to become part of the pattern again, even after this lunch that demonstrated his true and evil character.
J also fancies himself a writer. He wrote extensively on ethics, morals, politics and religion and has his own website. In January 2004 he wrote an article that I helped him with. I then introduced him to an online female friend of mine in California who is also involved with similar issues. She helped place his article in a couple more places.
I eventually learned that VERY shortly after I introduced them, J initiated an online affair with her. She ALSO came from an unhappy marriage and a background of severe abuse so, once again was an easy target for him. Ironically, he came with my recommendation! She stopped talking to me for many weeks, and finally IM'd me to ask me a question about him. One thing led to another and after 36 hours of no sleep, here's what came out of that marathon conversation:
He was going to see her in San Francisco to start an actual affair (on his company's dime) and tried to prevent us from communicating. When this woman and I did talk, we realized J was weaving a tapestry of lies and conceit, the details of which are perplexing, often silly and sometimes painful. It became evident that he was a deeply sick person. Where the lies ended and the truth started, I doubt even he knew.
At this point, it was obvious even to me that this 'love of my life' was not "into" me. J had given her his business phone, his cell number and a variety of ways to contact him, offered gifts & money in only 5 weeks of knowing her. He did not do these things for me. Yet when I tried at least 4 times before to discontinue with him with this realization in the 2 years prior that he wasn't INTO ME - he would come back and BOMB me with how much I meant to him and "please don't stop talking to me" and "you mean too much to me." It was easy to see his sickness and dysfunction; it was harder to get at my own. I was still being reeled in with the obsession he'd seductively planted in my brain that somehow I could help him and that he needed me.
When our sex/love addict friend found out us girls had talked, he spent several days trying to call and smooth it out. He was spinning the facts, times, dates and other things like crazy. He IM'd the woman in California telling her to lay low for a couple weeks (same thing he told me when my ex found out about us - and then he disappeared for over a month). (I told my friend in California that I wasn't jealous and if she made him happy & wanted to continue on with him it was fine - she said NO WAY when she couldn't get a straight answer out of him either. He told her "If you love ME, you will LEAVE me alone." And after telling her he didn't love his wife & hadn't for years "please go away and let my wife heal." Go away? Heal? He meant stop telling her the truth!!) Finally when he realized he'd been totally exposed, he only IM'd me threatening to tell my husband we'd had an actual affair and assured me he was a 'good liar' (I kept a copy of this IM in case I ever needed to protect myself). The woman in California and I made a decision to turn all our information over to his wife and rabbi in hopes that they would intervene. This of course, fueled his anger and since I live the closest to him and J knows my address, I was and continue to be very scared. I doubt he would come and try to harm me, BUT I realized I didn't really know this "love of my life" after all.
He once told me and a younger friend of mine (who had many things in common with him) that I introduced him to online "I possess psychic powers and can touch women with my mind." J also said he was going to Israel to help out with their politics and make a few "predictions." When I called him on these things he said he was only joking. He tried to send myself and my friend in Cal. an "apology" - I should post it, it was so lame & selfish and it just triggered trauma for both of us even worse.
I was so upset, my gut told me to do a little digging on this ex who used our old relationship to gain my trust. Found some websites (theeroticreview.com , escort-finder.com, utopiaguide.com, jaginfo.net and more) where J had been posting reviews of at least 12 call girls he has seen in NYC. It simply confirmed that there was a heck of a lot more going on than just a couple bad online affairs. Some of these hookers he saw prior to me and some during. In one of our first conversations when he moaned about his wife I asked him if he'd ever been to a hooker. His reply? "Oh NO!!! I would never do THAT!! My wife and I have money and a good lifestyle and if she found out she would take the kids from me. Besides, it's immoral." (can you hear me laughing?)
It also seems J is registered (has been on some since about 1998) at every "sex partners wanted for discreet relationship" site on the net (eroticy.com, redpersonals.com). He makes no effort to hide that he is married, has kids or even exactly where he lives! This freaked me out because his wife works at home. Any psycho could find his identity and address in a couple clicks and go there and harm her and/or his kids.
He has had executive jobs with child-related firms (did any of his contracts have MORALS clauses??) and currently works for a family magazine and travels extensively. J once told me he enjoys working in industries that focus around children. In retrospect worries me. I worry about the progression of sex addiction and if it may extend to children. Last summer he sent me and another friend, pictures of his then 11 year old daughter in provocative poses in her bedroom saying he and she were just having fun. Disturbing.
Sex addiction is progressive and dangerous and I don't know how far his has gone. He once sent me a photo from Halloween where he dressed as Spiderman, his penis visible through the costume in public. The woman in California showed me a homemade porn video of himself and pornographic e-cards he sent her. Yeah, that's LOVE huh? She tried to turn these over to the FBI thinking, like me, that the police might want to stop a man like this. They don't. Or won't. Or can't. Who knows?
I finally called the police Computer Crimes division and made a trip to their offices. They took everything from me and thanked me profusely and even sent me a commendation letter. His credit card was traced back to 1998 for phone sex, voyeur cams, thousands of online porn sites, and so on. (All done from his home with him locked in his home office - his kids down the hall & his wife downstairs) One of his online escort booking agencies was busted and his favorite madam was arrested in a very public trial. This female sociopath plead out to only one charge, but thank God for something. My local Dept of Investigation is involved, as well as the CPS and State Attorney General.
His wife has been told everything but is staying with him and seems to believe his lies that I made up the whole thing. Because I haven't kept his secrets and have contact with his other targets, J and his wife tried to charge me with harassment! Yet I had cut off contact long ago! By sending copies of everything I had on the guy to the minsinformed detective they involved, J and his wife's harassment accusations stopped.
J tried to tell people I was stalking him and the woman in California was harassing him. HA! J is good at what he does, casting his demons onto others and convincing those in his life that HE is the victim.
I did hear that J convinced his employer, his clergyman, and his family that I had been stalking him for years. Fortunately, I saved many of our conversations and IMs with the source codes so I can prove this is false, if need be. My tormentor also claimed that I planted the stuff on the escort review boards, but fortunately he paid with his credit card, internet archives and the ISP information bares me out.
J's been snooping around lately, 23 months later. He emailed one my friends about 5 months after it all (probably trying to make time with her too) and has been found going to websites I frequent, no direct contact though. I am still being treated for PTSD to learn how to overcome my pain and memory of this. I am also dealing with the abuse. He's a sexual addict, a psychological sadist and yup - a narcissist.
He got me to keep his secret for two years - and treated me like a dirty secret in return. I am still HORRIFIED that the only reason (it seems) this ex looked me up was to find a free "toy" to play with when he was unemployed. He's never contacted me ever to apologize to my face. In fact, occassionally I get messages trying to silence me. Too late huh?
USE CAUTION!!! They call them EXES for a reason.
4.81 out of 5 slimes
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