I Can't Seem to Trust my Boyfriend
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
In a relationship with this guy for a year and a half now. We don't stay together and his work keeps him very busy. I'm a very open person and have told him everything about me. Him on the other hand tells me things but not in detail and that leaves me wondering. I love him so and want him to be honest with me. I'm a jealous person but thinks he brings it out more by telling me about the woman at work and how they dress and things relating to other woman some of the girl friends he has....he knows how it makes me feel but he still tell me.
When we just started going out he had this friend @ work who use to phone him just to talk about problems...I was ok with that untill one day I decided to find out how close they really were. According to her he was ready to commit to her and that was just before he met me, but he said that's not true and she does not want to leave him alone...that she's telling lies to get back at him. I know it was his past but they went for milkshake and went to his place during works hours while we went out. I know he was open enough to tell me about the events but it still bugs me cause if he cant be honest about his past how honest is he now with me. I go visit at his place sometimes. He stays with his brother and his brothers girlfriend. Most of the times when I visit there I can feel this atmophere...she does not speak to me and it just feels suspicious.
We had a fight not to long ago and I told him how I felt...I was open and told him about the atmosphere there is and that it gives me the feeling his brothers girlfriend and him has got a thing going also told him that the reason 4 this was that he stopped kissing me the one day when he saw her in the same room...he pulled away from me and when I asked him what was wrong his pupils dilated and it made me feel like he lied to me when he said that his family is not used to seeing him with someone...we have been together for 1.5yrs they should be used to me by now.
Then he went further and told his brother and his brothers girl that I think there's something going on. That was my feelings and thoughts I could be wrong or right just didn't think it was fair to tell them. Now I go visit and I feel like a smuck cause of what he told them...was personal. I found out from a friend that he told them about my thoughts. When I went to visit him that night I asked him if he ever talk about our fights or prob. to his brother or the girlfriend, also told him that my reason for asking is that I sometimes talk to my sister about my feelings and things. He looked me in the eye and said no he don't talk to them. On the weekend I calmly told him that I know he did talk to them and that it's kinda ok just wanted to know why he lied to me...he said he wanted to see how far I would take the issue. I struggle to trust this guy cause it feels like he's not honest with me and now that he's lied to me straight faced I feel even worse. If he could lie about that he can about anything.
I don't know what to do.....I love him so much but I don't feel safe in what we have. When ever we argue he will tell me he wants us to get a place together and that he oneday would like to get married, but when I ask him at times when things go better he will say " never saw myself as the married kinda guy". So many times I've been dissapointed by him....like he'll say I'll call you back just now and then he don't or he will say he's comming to visit then something pops up and he can't make it. On weekends after he finish work he will say that he's gona go do his own thing but never let me in on what is own thing is....I know we not joint by the hip but relationship is about sharing good and bad things. I wana hear about his ups and downs I don't wana wonder. I know we all need our time and I don't wana smother him just wonder why I feel like he's not totally honest with me. Please help.
User Submitted Advice from a 51-60 year old Female
Work it out
RUN RUN RUN !!!!!!!!!! I am married to a man who in the begining told me about his day at work, conversations with people I didn't know, his mistakes in past marriages and relationships. I thought "Now here is a man with a heart, concinous, and who is open and honest." We got married,,,, now he keeps things from me, looks me in the eye and lies. When I ask him why he says "I don't know."
He says... " *&*^**%^ I'm not having an affair or anything." As if it his actions are ok just because he is not having an affair. As if he has no clue as to what he is doing to me or our marriage.
I had him read about broken trust and dishonesty on this site..( Great info) I asked him if it helped him understand a 'lil of what he has done and what I have been trying to tell him..he said "I guess so, it's alnost word for word."
(I copied this info over two years ago when he tried to tell me I was insanely jealious,and put the info away, until the other nightwhen I remembered it and got it out)
I do not feel that we have resolved anything...but I will give it one more try here...I love this man with all my heart but if he does not want to work at our marriage by trying to fix what he has broken then he does not think much of me or our marriage.
You will see from my age range that I am a bit older than you. I don't have that many years left and I don't intend to spend them unhappy and sick to my guts.
You deserve better and you need to be with someone who will do you right...there is NOTHING right about lies and secrets.
I wish you all the best...
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer