My Girlfriend is Spending Time with Another Guy
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for about a year now. We live an hour apart, so we normally see each other on the weekends. Recently, due to midterms I told her I couldn't see her for a few weeks because I wanted to focus on these classes. I'm not jealous or insecure, I feel quite comfortable in who she chooses to hang out with when I'm not there.
Last Friday one of her girlfriends and her went to a lounge to drink. Two guys came up to them and started a conversation with them. My girlfriend told me that they were nice guys, and they even invited them to another bar which their friend was the bartendar. They hung out with the guys all night, but she said she felt comfortable because there were other girls there too. She told me that they were genuine good guys and that the guy who talked to her also had a girlfriend, but was out of state.
After a few days her friend and her were invited to go drink with them at a bar. I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel comfortable because who knew what these guys intentions were. Also what kind of guy with a gf hits on a girl? I feel like obviously they're trying to win my gf and her friend over by being nice to them. I told my girlfriend that I'm not jealous, but it bothers me that you're hanging out with guys from the bars. She told me they are genuine people and they wouldn't hit on them. I feel like she's so naive and that I can see right through them.
We've been arguing about it the last few days and haven't made a real compromise other than meeting them one day. It never bothered me before when she met and hung out with guys from other social settings, but from meeting at a bar I thought was inappropriate.
Here's my question - is it appropriate to give her number and hang out with other guys she met at a bar even though whenever they hangout it's in a group at a bar setting.
My opinion is that this guy might be a genuine nice guy but he did have the intention of hitting on my girlfriend from the beginning. What's even worse is that he tried to make my girlfriend feel comfortable by telling her he has a girlfriend from another state. I feel like he's playing the "when the opportunity is right card" he will try to jump in. My girlfriend doesn't believe my judgement, and it definitely bothers me when they all hang out.
I don't want to break up with her, but at the same time I don't feel I should be treated this way. I feel disrespected. What should I do?
This is definitely a challenging question. You need to take the bar scenario out of it. It doesn't matter where she met the guy. It could have been a coffee shop or a movie theater or anything else. It's not about where they met. It's about the fact that she's now building an ongoing social relationship with him in a couples-paired situation.
Part of being in a relationship is putting that relationship first. It's REALLY hard long distance - countless movies have been made about that fact! But just because it's hard doesn't mean it's impossible. It means making choices in life and honoring them.
Right now she's making the choice to choose fun and flirtation over the relationship. And that means her priorities aren't on the relationship.
A relationship IS about two genuine people becoming emotionally close. That's the whole point of a relationship. So that is what she's building with this guy. If she is saying "he's not just in it for the sex" - isn't that worse? Doesn't it mean he's investing time and energy in building a relationship with her - when he's supposed to be committed to his girlfriend?
It sounds like she is getting lonely with the long distance and you two need to find a way to spend more time together - either in real life or virtually. Because this need of hers isn't going to go away and this one guy is just a symptom.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com