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Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
Please help me. I can have long term (for years,) 'crush', 'infatuation' type feelings for only my own gender. However, I am capable of loving, fancying & wanting to be with a man, but cannot get besotted with a man. To me, the excited rush is in the obsession & awe experienced in feeling ecstatic in the company of such women that I've felt this with, & believe I have truly loved.

Here's my dilemma - if I were to fall in love with a man, I believe I wouldn't know if I were, as I would expect to experience this same sensation, as I only can with a woman. Is this what most people feel in heterosexual relationships - to this degree, as I know that if I were to feel this level of intensity for a man, I wouldn't be able to do much with one! - I'd be way too nervous.

In a nutshell, I guess I'm asking you: Are there different types of romantically & emotionally being in love with someone? - Is there a kind where you're relaxed with them, loving them & being in their company, with an intensity, but with a level head? Is there also a kind where you love someone with the same feeling, yet with the infatuated 'crush' type feeling attached?

It's so sad that I just cannot seem to get this level for a man, as men I prefer generally as people, & would much rather have sexual intimacy with the male body. Advice
People come in a rainbow of colors with a rainbow of feelings. Some are drawn strongly to men. Some are drawn strongly to women. Some are drawn strongly to both. Some would rather talk with women and rather do physical things with men. Some dislike talking to women. Every combination under the sun exists in the world.

Cherish your own particular combination.

It's also important to realize that new-love and far-away-love feelings can be quite different from long-term-love feelings. I.e. there's a reason that people on their honeymoon are all starry-eyed about each other - and why couples who have been together 40 years are more settled. Hormone levels go up and down, and energy levels go up and down. Few people could maintain that high-in-the-sky honeymoon feeling for 40 years straight. It would burn you out!

People tend to love the rush of the chase, and it simply doesn't maintain when they are in a longer term relationship with someone. That's normal and natural.

I'd find someone you truly are content with as a best friend. That is what survives the years. Sure, have other friends and flirtations that you can enjoy - but for the actual depend-on partner, you need someone you can get along with, can trust in, and can be happy with.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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