does my girlfriend want to be with me or does she keep coming back because im a comfort zone

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
ive been with with my girlfriend on and off now for four years. for the first 2 and a half years things were great i really thought it was picture perfect the sex was great she always wanted to be with me and loved me and i never doubted it, i really thought she was going to be the person i married we moved in together and we hit a rough patch for like the first month but i think it was because we were just nervous and stressing bills and things got better, we then got a dog together, and everything was still perfect. then she got promoted and i was really happy for her. her promotion had her working in a home enviroment, shortly after her promotion she started going to hang out with coworkers wich i was fine with but then her spending time with coworkers became more of a priority than hanging out with me.

before you know it she was hiding her phone and hawking it then i saw that she had a male coworker sending her txt messages and realized they were talking often, to my surprise she wound up cheating on me with him. we broke up for about a month, then she begged for me back and i wanted to be with her so i took her back,she promised it would never happen again, i was still really depressed that she cheated on me, then one night at my friends birthday one of my friends told her that they were upset with her for cheating on me, she got really mad at me for not standing up for her, my reply was how do you expect me to stand up for you cheating on me?.

we wound up breaking up again because she moved out and i told her i wasnt going to be with her if she moved out. this time i thought we were over for real so i started dating, my dating made me realized that we were young and that we both probally had alot that we needed to get out of our system but i realized that i loved her and just couldnt seem to feel any other connection with any other girl. so we got back together again.

things seemed to be alot better this time for a little while, but then she started getting calls from a co worker again and she would stay on the phone with him for hours, she assured me it was nothing and that he was alot older and she wasnt intrested he was just lonely and he just needed somone to talk to, i wasnt crazy about it but i delt with it because i wanted her to know i trust her. then one day we made plans for that evening when i got off work and she cancelled our plans when i got off work and told me she was hanging out with one of her friends and the older coworker was hanging out with her and her friend so i explained to her that i was uncomfortable with that and we broke up again because she told me it was somthing i was going rto have to deal with.

so i took some time to myself to think about me us and our relationship, and i realized this time more than ever i wanted to be with her i did not date anyone this break up i took this time to myself to figure myself out and what i wanted. she wound up starting to date this older co worker(wich i did not find out until we got back to gether this time)she told me all summer long that she was single, we started hanging out here n there. then she told me she fell in love with someone(at this time i didnt know who i just knew it was someone older i had a feeling it was the older coworker but she denied it) and that she truely loved him then she broke up with him because from what she says because he ejaculated inside her during sex so she confronted him and he said he wanted to have a family, and she decided she wasnt ready for that so she broke it off with him, but she still loved him, so then she went into the hospital because she was ill and i was there everyday with her.

that friday after she got out i was in a local bar and she kissed a diffrent coworker on the lips rite in front of me, i got aggrivated because of everything i did for her while she was in the hospital and couldnt believe she would do that rite in front of me after she had me doing all these things for her while she was in the hospital, i felt completely un appreciated, so that was that i thought than that i was going to cut it off and that i had no reason to speak to her anymore,then she decided to end it with this coworker because she said he was a bum so low n behold i started talking to her and hanging out with her and then she invited me out as her date for her friends birthday the night didnt end up so well she got mad at me for leaving the party because she was being mad at me that night she told me to realize she didnt love me anymore and she was going to marry the older coworker she fell in love with and that she didnt love me anymore and she loved the older coworker now(but at this time the older coworker already had a new girlfriend, but they still kept in touch).

the next day she called me and i asked her about it and she told me that she did still love me but she loved the older worker too and she didnt think she could be with me because of all the negative things she has done in the relationship, my reply was i cant be just your friend i love you to much. a couple days went by and then she told me that she wanted to start working on our relationship again and that she did want to be with me so once again we got back together and she started sleeping over my house again every nite, and everythying was really good we had great conversation and we had sex often and things felt like they did before all the negative, i was really happy this time that we were back together, but now after being back with her for 4 months i kind of feel like she isnt over the older coworker, our sex life is terrible we had sex 3 times last month she gets an attitude over everything that should be nothing we barely have conversations but she still comes home everyday after work n spends almost all of her free time with me, im just worried now that she really dosent want to be with me really, i feel like she is only with me because im a safe zone for her because she is never single for long, and also because she know im a great guy i never cheated on her i dont lie to her i clean the house i cook dinner everynight for i honestly do all the rite things, i tell her all the time how much she means to me.

i told her one day that when we arent together i think about her all the time and her reply was i think that just gave me a headache and that it was pathedic, ill look over at her and shes like why are you looking at me and i reply with i just want to admire your beauty and it irrates her. if i try to make a move on her its always somthing im tired im watching tv or somthing i try to kiss her and she says it to much. the only time we kiss is when we leave for work. and that is the only time she will kiss me if we spend a whole day together we wont kiss at all unless i kiss her. if i didnt kiss her we would go days with out kissing unless we are going to work, she makes me feel like im un wanted, i feel like she isnt physically attracted to me anymore and just likes me as a friend im not sure what to think about this, everytime i try to confront her about how we dont have conversation like we used to or we dont have sex she just gets mad at me and it starts a fight. i cant talk to her at all about things that bother me because it always just starts a fight. but then again i also know that she wouldnt be with me if she didnt want to be with me so i just dont know what to think or how i can improve any of this our sex our conversation i just want to feel the love again what can i do??? and how do i know if she is really over this older coworker??? how can i improve our relationship? Advice
You have it exactly right, in your own words, "I feel like she is only with me because im a safe zone for her." Yes. I am afraid this sounds exactly what is going on.

You are a nice, safe home for this girl. She doesn't love and appreciate you the way you do her. It's time to really put her out of your mind (i know that is hard) and find a caring, loving mate who can also be a safe place for YOU. Be strong and let this girl go. You can and will do much better.

-- from Jill
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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