Contradicting signals or not?

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
Okay, I will do my best to be as specific as possible on my question.

Let me start by telling in general how I met this girl, fell in love and how things have been ever since.

I met her in school. She is in the same year as me but we did not share any classes until last year. I can recall she asked me one day if I would like to sit next to her because we were both sitting alone in one of the classes we shared. Actually since then I started to feel attracted to her. It just happened.

Well, school means school trips. We had one to Paris about 5 months ago and it was great! I got to know her better, spend alot of time with her and her friends. So I was pretty happy at that time since I thought it would not be long till we would be together (of course that does not happen automatically, I kept putting effort in it).

So then back at school things weren't so great. I mean we still sat next to each other and talked but there was no progress.

Then we had a school trip to Rome, the trip itself was great but I did not even spend one day with her or her friend group (out of 7). I was pretty frustrated because I tried, I actually asked what her plans for the night were but we could not get toegether because it was the birthday of one of her friends and they wanted to go out as a friend group. She was not at all harsh in saying that or something, it did not feel like a refusal but as a genuine incapability to well, supply what I had asked for. The succesfull bit was that we share fear of heights so I did spend some time with her talking about that + she told me she had claustrophobia.

So she did let me under her skin...

So rome went over too. School kicked in again and here comes the strange bit, I decided I had to know what I needed to be looking for in body langauge to get to know if she wanted me to proceed or not. I got really mixed up results.

One class we share is drama and we had to do an exercise in which one blindly pushes an other around the room. I got with her but she wanted me to go first, I did not bother really at first but she seemed genuinely scared when I had to push her around. The sort of giggly-scared.

Reviewing on this it might be her claustrophobia that is causing her lack of trust in me but I am not sure.

After this class there was a time we did suddenly not sit next to each other in shared classes. It seemed like she was avoiding me a bit. Then, in my infinite stupidity, I send her an e-mail and told her I was slightly confused and bothered by this. She has not responded up till this day.

She did respond to other mails though. I mean almost a week later we were again sitting next to each other as if nothing had happened, and since recently I noticed the flicks her hair around me, and blinks more often with her eyes.

I am pretty confident around her but as soon as we start e-mailing each other it gets a bit weird.

I always sign my mails with "love," (well, its not the exact word but there is no proper translation of it) and she does so too. But then sometimes she does not sign them or says something like "bye" it is really confusing. I try to be consequent but she is not so consequent.

Also she is very straightforward in her emails, I always add some fluff or things that are on my mind, I like to share with her but she really only replies to the core and all the stuff I put question marks behind.

It's not that I expect her to send me a novel-length email all the time but I could appreciate a somewhat more loose kind of attitude.

OK, so looooong story but it breaks down to just TWO questions. She is kind of an extravert but also very un- touchy, she is not the kind of girl you could just give a hug. Let me put it a other way, she is not very sexual. So question no 1 is, "What is the best way for me, as a guy, to deal with and approach a non-sexual girl?"

My second question is: "Knowing that she is not very explicitally sexual what clusters of signs should I be looking for in her (body)language?"

She is not playing hard to get, she just is hard to get. No because everybody wants her or because she is extremely popular but because it is hard to find what creates attraction in her.

Another sign I read from her was that sometimes she would sit with her knees pointing towards, it has only happened twice but in combination with her flicking...

Then again she might not reply to a joke I text her, it's, for me, very confusing as to were I stand. I know you can not tell of course since you are not in her shoes, and neither am I but I still wonder. Maybe you have a bit more of a clue then I?

Thank you so much in advance. It is a very long question but I wanted to provide you with as much and info as possible plus I wanted that info to be as undistorted by any perceptions on my side as possible.

Thank you! and a merry christmas!

~M Advice
Hmmm. If I could see her reacting to you I'd have a better clue, but from all this I have to say she does not seem interested in you in that way. I am sorry. She has had many opportunities to engage with you and seems to ignore all your efforts to be flirty or closer to each other. She DOES seem to appreciate you are a friend, however. That can be okay, too.

It may also be that she is not sure of her sexuality yet. Maybe she is not sure which gender she is attracted to. Or maybe she really does not think about dating at this point in her life.

If you feel brave enough, ask her to go grab coffee or a movie with you. See if she is able to set a date with you, or if she has reasons why not. That is really all you can do. I just don't see any signals from her that read as 'more than friends.' Good luck!

-- from Jill
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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