He Saw Me Again - He Ran

Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
I deeply in love with a man who has three times cut off all contact, then suddenly reappeared, saying he needed space but always thought of me and loved me. He's favorite quote "I am like a fungus and will keep coming back".

He moved to another state for work. Three months later I had a bad feeling and called his brother that he was working with. He said he was fine and I asked him not to tell him I had called, that I was fine just had a bad feeling. 15 minutes later he called. We talked and continued to talk for two months, his job completed and he had a month between his next job. He called as he was leaving the other state to tell me he was on his way home. I did not offer for him to stay with him but inquired as to where he would be staying. He seemed disappointed but said he would call as soon as he got to our state. He did but I was hesitant to answer and didn't.

I tried to call two days later but he would not answer, waited two more days and just left a message saying I would not call again and Good luck with the future, he called right back. Took me lunch, then called an hour later took me to dinner but without my children because "he didn't want to confuse them", I told him please don't confuse me.

Next day he invites me and the children to the beach for the weekend, comes to my parents for a siblings birthday dinner, then nothing.

After three days I called him, he ignored my first two calls and then answered saying he was asleep. I asked was he upset with me, he said no. I told him I felt he did not want to see me anymore and he said "Probably not" and hung up. I called back over and over pissed and angry left ugly messages.

After two weeks of his not taking my calls I called from someone elses phone and he answered, he said it was over, I needed to move on and date someone else. I asked why he lead me on to thinking we were going to work things out, he said he never intended for us to work things out, the beach trip was just a vacation and he didn't want to go alone. I asked why would you involve the children and hurt them, he says so now you're going to make me feel guilty.

I asked about all of the phone calls prior to his return and the statements of things can change, don't sell the classic car we bought together to fix up, we could work through this. He would not give a real answer just said I had not changed and it was over.

I am so hurt, why did he even bother calling to see me? I had left him alone and started moving on, now I am devastated to the point that it is hurting my job and other relationships because everyone is tired of hearing about how much I love him and don't understand.

RomanceClass.com Advice
It sounds like he did want to see if things could work again. He called right back when you checked on him, and he called right back when you said goodbye. He spent time with you in various spots.

But it's good to think logically about this. He was interested - and then after spending time together he was not interested. It could very well be that the situation during that time together wasn't wonderful. The only way to fix something is to look at it logically. Are you sure the time together at the beach and dinner were fantastically fun? Or might there have been things there that might have encouraged him to give up on the relationship?

Clearly given his responses after that part he was concerned - and then if you left many ugly messages that wasn't the best way to handle it. Rather than easing his concerns you probably proved to him that he was right to have those concerns.

You can't bring up old promises in this kind of a situation. Nobody is ever forced to stay in a relationship they're unhappy with. That would be silly. So the question is WHY he became unhappy and if it's now fixable.

He clearly had an interest. Something fairly clearly went wrong. So the question is - what? And why weren't you as a couple able to gently draw that out, vs descending into the ugly unhappiness afterwards?

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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