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#92547 11/14/06 05:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by victor:
If I were in that boat ...
I could probably forgive, but I would never forget, and most importantly, I would never have the same trust. Thus I don't know that I could actually make it work - forgiving and trusting 2 different things in my book.
Very true, victor. (Good to see you!!) Trust needs to be built back up again. Another lesson I learned was that you can't trust everyone 100%, no matter who they are. This is another problem I see around me. People put too much trust in someone else. Partners are not infallible. I'm one of the lucky ones. Trust was earned back, but I will never trust 100% blindly ever again in anyone, except God of course (but hey, I'll leave that for the RR forum! smile ).

The "forgetting" part is harder, a lot harder. No, you never forget; however, it should become a memory of the past. If it doesn't, then someone is holding onto bitterness & resentment IMO.

I agree w/the poster that said you cannot choose who you "fall in love" with; however, that being said, love itself is a choice. The "feelings" of being in love/out of love come & go, especially in a marriage but loving that person unconditionally is a choice that needs to be made.


MHA bell tolls to end misunderstanding & discrimination & rings for victory over mental illness.
#92548 11/14/06 04:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by MrsJF:
Wow Aerial. You've sure brought up a hot topic, one that will find itself a world of different thoughts & opinions, strong ones. Mine included. This is one subject that's drawn dear to my heart unfortunately, so I have a very strong opinion on cheating. I hope that I don't cause offense to someone else.

Cheating, IMO is one of the worst offenses you can commit against someone else. Why? It involves lying to oneself as well as to others & it involves a LOT of pain to ALL involved. When the D-day happens (discovery day of the affair), all parties are affected greatly, especially if there are any children involved.

Aerial wrote:
Quote:
If your spouse/partner cheats do you forgive and forget?
In this instance, I chose to forgive. Forgetting -- that's a whole other issue. You can NEVER forget. However, in time, w/hard work, the incident can be a memory of the past. And it doesn't hurt as much. In time, it can be looked at as something survived rather than something that's so overwhelming you can't get past it.

Sophie wrote:
Quote:
I see no problem however in breaking off a relationship for some-one else if and only if you have worked your hardest to make your present relationship work but you just can't save it. There's no point in being unhappy. Although I would perhaps wait a while before openly persuing a new relationship.
I wanted to expand on this a bit, Sophie. Do you mean both partners working their hardest or just one? In most cases that I've seen, one is working hard while the other is not. The one who is not usually thinks they've "done their best" & decides to leave.

Most people do not know that there can be emotional affairs as well as physical affairs. Most people think that it is not considered "cheating" until sex is involved. That couldn't be further from the truth.

In the last part of your statement, I would go a step farther in saying that *I* think it's always best if people wait a while & work on themselves before pursuing another relationship. If people rush in, most instances will show that they carry their "baggage" onto their new relationship & most likely, that will end in failure too b/c they haven't taken the time to evaluate what they would do differently or haven't "let go" of things from the past & come in to a new relationship full of resentments & bitterness that they carry through life.

Most people do not protect their weaknesses. Most people think to themselves that they're immune from cheating b/c "they're not like that"; however, in my experience, it can happen to anyone, even the most upstanding citizen that obeys every law & dots every i. Also, most people do not form boundaries w/the opposite sex (or the same sex if the case may be wink ) to ensure that their weaknesses are protected. What someone may view as just a close friendship may very well turn into an inappropriate friendship given the right circumstances & it can come upon you w/o you even knowing what hit you. That's the way MOST cases of infidelity happen.

Carl wrote:
Quote:
And it is why I have so many women friends
As long as you have your boundaries in place!! smile My husband has often said that he can relate better to women than he can men. He says quite often that "men are pigs". Maybe there's some truth in that. wink
Of course I meant that both people should work as hard as they can but surely you can agree that if they are trying and trying and it's just getting worse and worse as in the case of my relatives that the best thing for everyone's sakes is to go their separate ways? Why make yourself and your family even more miserbalt than necessary?

My relatives had a volitile relationship and although they did try hard for the sake of their girls they only made things worse by getting back together. Now they're apart she has a new job, he a new partner and both a new lease on life. Why begrudge them that?

I'm aware thought that the odd time things can work out for the best. My Mum and Dad split up for a while when I was about 2 until I was 5 although I saw him regularly. My Mum went out with amother man for while and got engaged. But for whatever reason they decided to make another go of things. That was 16 years ago. Now they are one of the happiest couples I know. They married 8 years ago and now I have a little brother who's almost 9. So yes it can work and I'm pleased to say it has.


Princesse Sophie

"Adorned in Masters loving art she lies
She rests at last beneath the starry skies"
#92549 11/15/06 12:43 AM
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I do think that it's wrong to cheat on one's partner. And I think that trust is one of the most important aspects of a partnership. However, how does one stop oneself falling in love with someone else, if one already has a partner?


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#92550 11/15/06 02:03 AM
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From PDM
Quote:
However, how does one stop oneself falling in love with someone else, if one already has a partner?

I think you nip it in the bud and don't let it get even close to that point. It doesn't take long to see who you have chemistry with... platonic or otherwise. If you are married or in a committed relationship - I believe that if you even see the potential for "chemistry", then you treat that relationship at an arm's distance, to prevent the chance for progression. Its one thing to be in your twenties and have lots of mixed gender friendships - but my experience is that alot of those "friendships" progress to something more. Thus, I do not think it is normal once married, to allow oneself to develop a close friend of the opposite gender (or same gender if you are homosexual I guess smile ). Even though you may miss out on some great platonic friendships, it diverts the risk of getting entangled in something you don't want to be. I do believe you can fall in love with more than one person - which is why it can take some work to avoid that simultaneously! And as Mrs.JF mentioned - there are emotional affairs as well - and even platonic, I think if you find yourself confiding in somebody more than your spouse, or sharing too many private jokes, then you are headed for trouble.
It takes a mature person to avoid these situations. You must not allow yourself to get caught up in the moment or to enter a "friendship" blindly.

#92551 11/15/06 04:13 AM
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I quite agree about taking care when the chemistry is right. That is why I talk a lot about Marge. And I know that I don't have to act on the chemistry. And I think about how lucky I am in what we have together, and how changed I would be if I cheat. And how the relationship would be harmed.

Besides, not saying it is foolproof (I am just a man), but most women see me as "safe" because of my devotion to Marge and the fact that I do not have that sexual tension where I'm "looking."

I am a lucky man!


Marge is the love of my life.
#92552 11/15/06 04:21 AM
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Thanks Sophie for clarifying. You've also touched on something that I think needs to be examined. Staying for the "sake of the kids". IMHO, this is absolutely not a good idea/reason to stay together. Kids eventually move out. Then what are you left w/if you haven't nurtured your marriage? Nothing. That's why you see so many couples divorcing in their 50's. Living for the kids. Staying together for the kids. It's the wrong way to do things.

I also want to clarify that I think there's a big difference between both partners actively trying to solve their differences & working hard to save their marriage vs one giving their all while the other is there in body only. When two people are trying their best to make it work & it still doesn't work, then maybe it's best if they do seperate w/o bitterness. IMHO, not all marriages were meant to be saved. However, that doesn't mean that people should give up at the first sign of trouble, which is what a lot of people do today. They go into marriage thinking, Well if it doesn't work out, we can always get divorced, instead of thinking, This is for life. Most people do not choose their partners carefully & get married way too quickly. Then when things get sour, which is bound to happen at some point during the marriage, they run to the next available person & avoid conflict rather than face those troubles, do their best to work through them & conquer them as a couple to move forward to the next journey. There's a reason why "for better or for WORSE" is in those vows. Most people do not follow through w/that though when things get rough unfortunately. I'm not saying that's what happened in your relatives case, so pease don't think that. I don't even know them, but I'm just stating what I see around me most of the time, my own experiences.

Victor, couldn't have said it better myself. Agree 100%. You've hit the nail on the head.


MHA bell tolls to end misunderstanding & discrimination & rings for victory over mental illness.
#92553 12/03/06 06:02 PM
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PDM wrote:
"I do think that it's wrong to cheat on one's partner. And I think that trust is one of the most important aspects of a partnership. However, how does one stop oneself falling in love with someone else, if one already has a partner?"

You can't.


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#92554 12/04/06 12:34 AM
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PDM:

I would venture to guess that there are many people that have been married for a while who fall in love with someone other than thier spouse. A lot of the time, this never developes into a relationship; sometimes it is a love known only by one person, and sometimes two people keep thier love for one another burried. But, as long as it doesn't cross into physical love making, it harms nobody.

I think it is very possible to love more than one person. The question is, if you love another, is it okay to tell them how you feel?

M


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Perception is reality.
#92555 12/04/06 01:05 AM
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At the risk of upsetting those who hate 'Big Brother', I'm going to refer back to the celebrity series last winter.

Those who watched it will know what I am talking about. For those who don't know, here's the scenario:

A number of celebrities ~ some more famous than others ~ of different ages and backgrounds, sealed in a house for three weeks, with cameras on them all the time.

One of the celebrities was a 23 year singer in a band, named Preston. Another 'celebrity', supposedly from a band, was a 22-year-old girl called Chantelle. (She wasn't really a celebrity and she won it in the end.)

Anyway, the story ...
Preston had a live-in girlfriend when he entered 'the house'. They had got as far as discussing babies, but she wasn't yet ready.

Chantelle had had a long term boyfriend but it was over & had ended unhappily. She thought that Preston was attractive but knew that he was off limits.

Preston seems to have been captivated with her from day 1 and being together 24 hours a day for three weeks they grew ever closer.

It became increasingly obvious that they were besotted with each other, but both denied it and claimed to be just friends.

When they left the house, Preston got engaged to his girlfriend, but both he and Chantelle were unhappy and desperate to see each other.

The long and the short of it is that they are now married ~ to each other.

When I watched this I was thinking about the very questions being considered on this thread. Those two were obviously mad about each other, but tried to deny it, because of Preston's partner. Yet she could never have been happy with him again, surely, knowing how close he was to another girl.


I agree that it is possible to love more than one person at a time ~ possibly in different ways ~ but you make a choice and I do feel that should stay true to that choice, but when I look at Chantelle & Preston, there is no way that I think that staying with the other girl would have been right for any of the three of them. It's just sad that someone has to suffer in cases like this.

http://www.manchesteronline.co.uk/showbi...on_in_love.html

http://www.sundaymirror.co.uk/news/tm_ob...-name_page.html

http://www.sundaymirror.co.uk/news/tm_ob...-name_page.html


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#92556 12/04/06 01:08 AM
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From Argyll:
Quote:
I do think that it's wrong to cheat on one's partner. And I think that trust is one of the most important aspects of a partnership. However, how does one stop oneself falling in love with someone else, if one already has a partner?"

You can't.
I disagree with this assertion - depending of course on one's definition of love. To me, love is alot more than the puppy love of teens, or lust that may be the predominant feeling early in a relation. To me, not to be too hokey here, love is much more about intimate trust, companionship, a promise to grow old together, a true union - in which all decisions and considerations are made in terms of what is best for the union, not what is best for one individual. So to me - avoiding love is easy - because it entails a progression of a relationship. Sure - lots of married people find other people attractive, intriguing, desirable .. alot of those are natural feelings that cannot be helped. But going down that road, trying to get to know that "other" individual a little better - that is a big mistake that is clearly avoidable in my mind.

Argyll again:
Quote:
I would venture to guess that there are many people that have been married for a while who fall in love with someone other than thier spouse. ....But, as long as it doesn't cross into physical love making, it harms nobody.
Again I disagree - and perhaps this has as much to do with definitions as anything. Using my definition above, love involves an enormous emotional committment - more of a "melding" of two individuals - so falling in love with another individual outside of marriage - even just "emotionally" and not physically, is still a huge breech of the love "contract" in my book. Trust is not just about trusting your partner to not have a physical affair - its about trusting your partner to be emotionally committed to the marriage - its about having no questions or doubts about your partner's motive or inner thinking. So if somebody finds themselves emotionally in love - which is not just looking at somebody and finding them attractive - but actually confiding in somebody, sharing inner thoughts with somebody outside of marriage - that is a big violation in my book - and certainly is a red flag about the state of the marriage.

gotta go - football on.

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