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Joined: Mar 2010
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My older sister is having trouble conceiving and I don't know how to comfort her. She and her husband have gone through IVF (invetro fertilization) before and that's how they conceived their first child (he's now just over 2 years old). Unfortunately they're having trouble conceiving again - they've gone through IVF 3 times now. After the second time they tried, the doctors found out that she had some sort of infection that could have caused the egg not to attach. Once that was cleared they went through their most recent IVF treatment and found out yesterday that it didn't work. I feel horrible for my sister and her husband and what they're going through and wish there was something I could do for them so they wouldn't have to go through this sort of thing as I can only guess as to how emotionally wrenching it can be.

I've tried comforting her and saying all of the above, but her only responses are that they're never going to have another child, that she doesn't want to adopt a child (she hates the idea), that I don't know how she feels, etc. etc.

I feel bad for them, but only to a certain extent because part of me believes she's done this to herself. Wait and let me explain before judging: she's a runner, and when I say runner, I don't mean just running a couple of miles a day a couple of days a week... I mean 80+ miles a week, every single day while also limiting her food intake to the point where she looks unhealthy. The doctor told her to take it easy this last IVF treatment; to take care of herself - she sat for a day before hitting up the gym for 2+ hours a day. Her reasoning: she knew it didn't work so why bother sit around doing nothing. It was one day - she was supposed to wait 2 weeks.

At this point, whenever she calls sobbing to me that they're never going to get pregnant, all I want to do is say: "Stop running, you're so selfish that you won't even stop running for the sake of trying to have a baby - after you've dropped in excess of $15k on trying to conceive. Why don't you think and praise the child you do have instead of sobbing about the child you won't slow down to have." Her other child puts himself into time-out and starts crying - when he's done nothing wrong. I firmly believe there's a reason he's doing this - to get attention - because if my sister isn't at work, she's at the gym or running instead of taking care of her son.

Instead, all I say is "I'm sorry and I wish there was something we could do for you so you wouldn't have to go through this" thinking to myself, I know what we can do, we can tie you to a bed... then maybe you'll get some meat on your bones and you'll be able to conceive. Of course I would never say this to her because it's been said to her in the past by my parents - all that does is put more coal in the already burning fire of anger between my sister and my family. I continue to be there for her and try to support her in any way I can - I just don't know what to do anymore or how more to console her.

I'm at a loss - any suggestions welcome.

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I am not sure what your, or her, religious practices are. The Moon, even in a non-spiritual sense, has a great deal to do with fertility. Then there is Luna the Moon Goddess. She is/was a Phoenician Goddess still referred to by billions of people today(even though they don't know where or why they use the term.

It has a great deal to do with routine but the rituals involved with the worship of Luna are easy and may make things easier on your sister. If you think they might help go here and ask for help:

http://www.pagan-network.org/forums/index.php?board=18.0

You need to register in order to post.

Or otherwise if I offended you please accept my apologies.


“None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.”-Johann Goethe
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Hello MW1 smile

Sometimes you just have to accept that there is nothing that you can do to help people who won't help themselves.

This must be a very difficult time for your sister ~ and, indeed, for the whole family. I feel sad for those who cannot concieve, even for those who cannot conceive a second time, but I also think that they should be grateful, in the circumstances, that they have one healthy child ~ some people cannot have any.

I think that you are right about exercise and nourishment and their effects on conceiving. Surely the doctors have made it very clear to her that she must change her lifestyle, in order to encourage the likelihood of conception. Doesn't her husband impress this on her, too? This business must be affecting her health and their finances, I would have thought.

And I agree, if she has a child with whom she could be spending more quality time, then that is what she, as a good mother, should be doing.

You have tried comforting her and it doesn't seem to work. She is grieving for lost children, so she won't be very open to comfort offered by those who, she feels, cannot understand her plight. However, your support probably is helping, even id she cannot see that.

Quote:
... whenever she calls sobbing to me that they're never going to get pregnant, all I want to do is say: "Stop running, you're so selfish that you won't even stop running for the sake of trying to have a baby - after you've dropped in excess of $15k on trying to conceive. Why don't you think and praise the child you do have instead of sobbing about the child you won't slow down to have." ....

Instead, all I say is "I'm sorry and I wish there was something we could do for you so you wouldn't have to go through this" ....

Of course I would never say this to her because it's been said to her in the past by my parents - all that does is put more coal in the already burning fire of anger between my sister and my family. ...


Maybe it is time to say something.
Using the negative terms that you say under your breath probably would stir things up too much, but there are ways and ways of saying things. You would have to make it sound right. Maybe you could even write it in a letter.

You could say something like:
Sis, you may not want to hear this, but it is time to be honest. I know that this situation is hard for you ~ and I really feel for you, as you know, but you are giving up without ever giving your body a chance to conceive. Your doctor has told you to take it easy, yet you have ignored him. If you don't look after yourself, then you will be wasting your money and your chances of having another baby. I don't want to sound harsh, but you must be realistic. There is no point in crying about this situation if you are not going to try your hardest to make it work. Eat properly and give your body a rest. And remenber, you have been luckier than many people with this problem; you have a lovely little boy. He needs his Mum. Try to relax more and enjoy your time with him.

I do not know what is right for your family, but I think that I might do this, if I were in a similar situation.

Good luck ~ to all of you smile


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"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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My sister-in-law tried for three years with all of the in-vetro and treatments with no luck. Finally they gave up. They took a trip to the Smokies about seven months ago and now she is expecting triplets. Now they are going to have six kids. You see she had three children from her first marriage but my brother-in-law wanted one of his bloodline so now their really getting hammered.

Call me selfish but I am happy with my Beautiful Wife and two Golden Retrievers.


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They do say that people often conceive when they stop trying smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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I think your sister must see a psychologist or a guidance councilor.


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It is true that when you stop trying opten conception happens then. The stress of trying to get pregnant is gone and stress can have a huge negative affect on everything from sleep to conception.

The stress of over exercising is even harder on your body. Your body is very wise, if it is not able to dedicate a huge amount of its resources to a pregnancy, the pregnancy probably wont happen.

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I concur with all of you, unfortunately she won't listen.

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Then there is nothing that you can do, except be a pleasant and friendly sister. This is not your responsibility smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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