RomanceClass Forum Logo
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
PDM #405012 10/02/10 05:50 PM
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,720
Niki Offline OP
Best Friend
OP Offline
Best Friend
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,720
See, money is really that big of an issue for me. I haven't even been able to buy my poor parakeet a decent cage after my cat broke it. I'm in debt up to my nose as it is and only having one income is making it that much more worse. I'm really drowning financially right now. And he doesn't even have a job right now to help with counseling costs, if there are any. And I really don't have the time to do it either. I'm a full time student in my senior yet and work every day I don't have class.

And... ugh it's not even just the religion change that's causing a division.. it's... I've changed everything. My outlook on life, my expectations, what I want from a marriage, what I want from a husband... It's a completely 180 degree turn.

Now there's another complicating factor. Another man who's absolutely crazy for me. And aggressively so. He's everything my husband isn't, everything I can't stand in my husband anymore he has. I know it's not fair at all. Steve is aware of it and not happy. But I don't know what to do. I am so sick of being unhappy and feeling unloved for who I am and ignored and not fought for. And this other guy is fighting so hard for me, fights to make me happy every single day and keep me going, doesn't ignore the little signs of me falling apart and... everything my husband doesn't do.

And he wants kids. Haha.... my husband doesn't and that's always been a hard point that I just can't bear to put up with anymore cause I wanted them before I was 25 and it doesn't look like that's happening now. (I know, I know, not wise if I'm not financially stable. But I was doing really good before the separation.)

*sigh*

That sounds immensely immature. Letting myself fall (rebound?) into someone else at my weakest emotional point... ugh. But Steve has no idea what to do, and neither do I. Every time we try to make it work (date, talk with a mediator present, whatever) it gets worse somehow.

Last edited by Niki; 10/02/10 07:26 PM.
Niki #405028 10/03/10 10:13 PM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 22,697
PDM Offline
True Blue Soulmate
Offline
True Blue Soulmate
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 22,697
Niki, perhaps you are trying too hard. Perhaps you could give yourselves and each other some space to think. Is: don't see Steve or the other chap, get on with your studies and let your head clear.

There are so many people involved in your life and what you should and should not do with it. Do you think that it might help to take a break from all of the stresses and strains and concentrate on your studies for a while.

Sleep on the other stuff and see what happens.

Easy to say, I know, but it might be worth it.

What do you think? smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #405049 10/04/10 04:24 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 123
MW1 Offline
Companion
Offline
Companion
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 123
Niki - I'll write back this afternoon. Have to run out for a bit but promise to write back. I definitely think I have some input that could be very helpful for you!!

Niki #405060 10/05/10 03:08 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 123
MW1 Offline
Companion
Offline
Companion
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 123
Niki -

Promised I would get back to you on this, so here it is.

Money - yes, counseling is expensive, but really consider the books and taking the time to read through them. You don't want to jump the gun on getting a separation/divorce and then feel like you made a huge mistake years down the road. That was what I was afraid of when I made the decision to move out/do the trial separation. Doing the trial separation also helped me out by allowing me to clear my head. Not only did I separate from my husband, but I told my family they needed to butt out too and give me some space. I told my family they needed to stop asking how my husband and I were doing, I told them I needed their support in this because it wasn't easy what I was doing and if they didn't/wouldn't support me I just cut the cord from them. Doing this, removing myself from all the stresses of my family helped me to realize that I needed the space and the distance to help me find myself and determine what I truly wanted.

You need to decide what you want, what are the deal-breakers in your current marriage if there are any (e.g. having kids). I don't think you should get involved with this other guy that's pursuing you right now - it could mess with your decision making process. When my husband and I separated, we agreed we would not date or see other people because that wasn't the intended purpose of the separation.

The first couple of months between my husband and I were very hard. We fought every time we saw one another because he didn't like that I had moved out and that I couldn't tell him flat out what I wanted, that I was second-guessing myself in making the decision to marry him. It drove him nuts that I couldn't give him an answer and I understand why it did... I had all the "power" in the decision and he was left hanging until I made up my mind and figured out what I wanted. This left him bitter every time he saw me. It's a shock to the system when you think you have what you want and you think you've got your life planned out or at least on the right track and you're with the person you want to be with, and then all of a sudden you see that life wasn't what you thought it was and that person you thought you were going to be with forever was second-guessing and wondering if the choices she made were the right ones.

I'm not going to lie - there was a guy that was pretty heavily interested in me too. And it seemed at the time that we wanted many of the same things - and he was the complete opposite of my husband. My husband was aware of it and wasn't happy either - but then again, who would be?? smile I found that when I stopped him from pursuing me further, I was able to work through things better and figure out things. I really do suggest you tell this guy he needs to let you figure things out in your life - from there you can decide what you'd like to do, but first you need to figure out yourself. I was in your shoes exactly: "so sick of being unhappy and feeling unloved for who I am and ignored and not fought for."

I wish you luck. Keep your chin up and keep working through the muddle. You'll eventually make your way through.

MW1 #405064 10/05/10 05:54 PM
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,720
Niki Offline OP
Best Friend
OP Offline
Best Friend
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,720
I'm pretty sure I know what I want. I definitely want kids and a man who wants them as much as I do. I always have. And I want to be loved for who I am. Even the "bad" parts because every part of me makes me who I am. I believe everyone is perfect. I don't believe in character "flaws." I don't think there is such a thing. I'm a perfect me and no one else. I can't be anyone else or act any different and I refuse to do so to make someone happy.

Steve's said flat out he doesn't like how I treat him. And I've told him many times this has come with my change in morals and values. I've changed what I think a wife should be. I'm not bound by this Christian stereotype of faithful doting wife anymore. I'm my own person. I don't think I should treat my husband with respect just because he's my husband, he's gotta deserve it and if he screws up I'll let him know it. I'd expect him to do the same with me, not pussyfoot around things and be all gentle and passive. That's not how I want to live.

And he can't stand it. He calls it "railing on me, and tearing me down." And yeah, I understand the whole love languages thing, and men are from Mars thing... but Steve's Steve and I'm myself and it seems pretty clear that our love languages do not match up, nor can without changing who we are. And I like who I am, and do not like what he wants me to be.

And MW1, you two may have agreed to not see other people, but us when we discussed separation we decided we should see other people. It's what I wanted. He doesn't want it, but I want him to and I want to myself. We already laid down the ground rules that we would not want to know what the other person is doing with whoever their seeing. No details. One of the basis of our separation was believing that there's a better person out there for both of us. So seeing other people fits into that.

With that being said I still want him to do things I know he won't, and be who I know he can't be. And it's terrible. I should've seen that from the beginning and just not been with him. I've always wanted him to want kids as badly as I do, and always wanted him to be more aggressive than he is. But that's not him. He doesn't like children, never has, and he's always been passive. That's just who he is. And we keep fighting because I keep trying to push him to be who I want him to be, and he does the same with me.

It's a train wreck, to be honest.

I would put all this madness on hold for my studies, but that would be contrary to my value system. What is a career and money and education without love? Without passion? It's useless to me. And not how I want to live my life. I'm an impulsive one, and I enjoy living like that. So I don't think I can push these two men aside for my studies, even though it would help me focus. I would just be unhappy and unhappiness is not condusive to learning.

Niki #405065 10/05/10 08:31 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 123
MW1 Offline
Companion
Offline
Companion
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 123
I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Sounds like you know what you want and where you want to go. I leave you with a couple of thoughts:

1. You say you want to be loved for who you are, even the "bad" parts. Everyone wants this and I believe that a marriage between two people is an acceptance and loving of the other for who they are, flaws, perfections, and all. I saw this video a while ago and it reminded me of my husband's and my relationship, it made me think of my grandparents and how much they used to complain about the other person... but in the end that's one of the endearing characteristics they loved about one another. Click on the link to see the video - brings a tear to my eye every time I watch it. Big Geek Daddy - Family/Inspirational

2. You say you've changed what you think a wife should be and that you're not bound by the Christian stereotype of a faithful doting wife. This is fine, just try to remember what it was that made you want to marry your husband. What initially drew you to him and think about spending your life with him. Also remember that everyone changes; changes their mind, changes how they react to certain things, etc. Change is a part of our nature, it's a good thing and it can be a bad thing. You have to expect things to change - you can't always assume things will always be what they have been. That was something both I and my husband got caught up in - he expected that I wouldn't change, and I expected that he would change and we didn't communicate this with one another, therefore leading to resentment towards one another. Counseling helped us figure this out and figure out a way to healthily discuss these concerns/issues with one another. Side note: I remember going through the required marriage counseling before my husband and I got married - I thought it was crazy some of the passages they made us read and contemplate on. The way we behave in our marriage might not be bound to the Christian stereotype, but it's what works for us.

3. He says he doesn't like the way you treat him. I'm guessing this treatment stems from your belief that you don't think you should treat him with respect just because he's your husband and that he needs to deserve it and that if he screws up you'll let him know it. I'm not saying I know how you treat him or if you treat him disrespectfully, but there are ways of letting someone know they've done something that has bothered you in a respectful manner, even if you don't think they are very deserving of that respect at the time.

4. You say you'd expect him to do the same with you regarding not treating you with respect if you don't deserve it and that if you screw up you want him to tell you. I do think you should treat others the way you'd like to be treated - if you're mean and hurtful to him and he responds and treats you in the same manner (because this is what you want), then maybe this could be what is leading to your feelings of being unloved and unwanted because that's the way he is feeling.


Going into a separation you need to agree on how things are going to be. Your goal in your separation was: "One of the basis of our separation was believing that there's a better person out there for both of us. So seeing other people fits into that." My goal was to figure things out - it's just a difference in the meanings and goals of our separation. Glad you spelled it out in the beginning for the both of you.


Try to take a step back. When I say you need to figure out what you want, I mean:

1. Do you want to work on your marriage?

2. Do you want to make amends with your husband?

3. Do you want to fight to make it work? Do you BOTH want to fight to make it work? If one of you wants it and the other one doesn't, is the one that wants it willing to fight even harder to make it work? (Example: in the beginning of my separation, I didn't want to make it work, I wasn't willing to put forth the effort. But my husband was willing to make it work - he fought for it. I told him the things that really bothered me and he started working on them. I saw how hard he was trying and I saw the man I fell in love with and this made me want to work at our marriage too - so instead of it just being one person that was working, making changes, it became a team. We spoke openly about things that bothered one another and we worked to change them and make them better. BUT - you can't expect the change to occur overnight - it takes time. Things still haven't completely changed for my relationship, but they're a work in progress as will be yours if you choose to try and make it work.)

4. Is having kids before you're 25 a deal-breaker if it won't happen? (Example: My husband has been ready for kids for a long time, but I haven't been... so we agreed to wait. I initially wanted to have kids within 3 years of graduating from college but I wasn't where I wanted to be career-wise at that point, so we pushed it off another 2 - 3 years. Then I lost my job, so we pushed it off until I found another one, but with that we had to wait a little while so my job would be covered under the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act - which states your job is protected if you're there a year before you leave for maternity/paternity leave - basically). Then we ran into marital issues, and having kids in the midst of all that would have been a DISASTER. Now that we've moved back in together and we're comfortable with where we are both emotionally and financially, we're talking about kids seriously. I'm 29... I graduated when I was 21... meaning that I wanted to start having kids by the time I was 24, 5 years later it's finally going to happen (starting to try - doesn't mean it's going to happen immediately). When we started the separation, I said I didn't want kids anymore - but the reason I said this was because I thought it would make it easier to end things with my husband, not that I truly believed it. If I ultimately decided that I really didn't want kids, my husband told me it was a deal-breaker and that we wouldn't get back together. I was only saying those things to hurt him and to push him farther away from me - I wasn't saying it because I believed it, I was saying it because I was looking for the easy way out of the marriage if I needed one. - Again, this is just a side note on one of my experiences - might be helpful to you, might not.)


I'm not trying to be preachy, I'm not trying to be pushy. I'm just trying to tell you what I went through and how it helped me. Do what you need to do and what you think you should do - just keep an open mind to other ideas. Just because one person planted a seed in your head that maybe there are better people out there for you, doesn't mean it's necessarily true, but it also doesn't mean there aren't multiple people in this world that are good for you or that your husband isn't one of those people that's good for you.

Good luck with your studies, with things going in such a manner that will ultimately make you happiest - I truly hope you find it because I know how important happiness is to people. smile

MW1 #405071 10/06/10 12:55 AM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 22,697
PDM Offline
True Blue Soulmate
Offline
True Blue Soulmate
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 22,697
And remember, Niki, that it's not Steve's fault that you have changed your mind about lots of things.

And everyone deserves to be spoken to with kindness, and not with harshness, even if there is a disagreement going on ~ especially if they are confused and hurting.

This must be like an emotional earthquake for your husband.

I am intrigued by what you believe that Christianity expects from a wife and atheists do not ~ and what you no longer think is acceptable for a wife.

And I wish you both well. smile


Last edited by PDM; 10/06/10 12:56 AM.

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #405072 10/06/10 01:04 AM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 22,697
PDM Offline
True Blue Soulmate
Offline
True Blue Soulmate
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 22,697
Don't forget how much you told us you loved him. Isn't thiis worth fighting for?

Originally Posted By: Niki, 17/12/07
Me and my boy met online as well. =P Though on an MMORPG (online game for those don't know what that is). To be specific, a game called Ragnarok.

I was a Priestess, he played a Crusader. We hit it off talking one night, and after that everyone asked is when we were going to get married. On the game, there was a marriage option for characters, cheesy and really cute. We continued talking. A few months later we really hit it off, and got married in game!! Hehehe.

Well, shortly after he asked for my phone number. And shortly after that, he and his parents came up to meet me! We had our first date that day, and our first kiss, hehe.

We've been together 3 and a half years since then. And now go to the same college, and are no longer long distance. =)

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/236703

Originally Posted By: Niki, 08/11/09
Hehe, I married for love. Financial security? Had none. Still have none. Neither of us finished college, we were (and are!) young and I was stubborn. I wanted to get married, and didn't care how. We had the cheapest wedding we could manage. I cooked the food for the reception, and my cousin DJed!

So yes, people still get married for love. Or what we think is love. Problem with marrying young like we did is things change. I lost my religion, for one, since then. We still have no money, live with my parents now. We still don't know how we can both pursue our very different career paths... but gosh darn it, we love each other!

Hehe. smile

Objectively though, I don't think it's wrong to marry for security. It's a very real issue and a very real need. It's very hard to live without financial security. It depends what need you need fulfilled more, personally. Do you need love, cuddling, snuggling, goo-goo type love? Or is your need for fulfillment found in feeling secure? We all fulfill ourselves differently and have no right to say someone else is in the wrong.


Originally Posted By: Niki, 30/11/09
I wonder if age and the concept of marrying for love has anything to do with it? I mean, I can honestly say although I still deeply love my husband, in hindsight it might've been wiser to stay off.

Maybe age and religious influence in my case. Cause my religious upbringing (and his!) said no x, y, and z before marriage. And I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. So I pushed for marriage. Now, I think we would've been just as happy having those things without the title of marriage, and without the guilt of religious condemnation. ....


http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/ubb/showflat/Number/388727

Last edited by PDM; 10/06/10 01:05 AM.

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #405086 10/06/10 07:09 AM
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,720
Niki Offline OP
Best Friend
OP Offline
Best Friend
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,720
That's not helping me right now at all.

It's very easy to recall how I used to feel. But it makes it worse because I do not feel that way. I'm the one who doesn't want this to work and doesn't feel anything for him. All being reminded of how happy I was makes me more miserable realizing just how miserable I am now! I don't feel anything for him. Not a thing. I'm stone hard and hurt and it hasn't changed a bit in these 3 months.

Niki #405096 10/06/10 04:20 PM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 22,697
PDM Offline
True Blue Soulmate
Offline
True Blue Soulmate
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 22,697
Only you can decide what you want and need to do, but he was on the receiving end of those emotions, so, if it is really over, then let him know firmly ~ but kindly.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Lisa Shea 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Latest Posts
Avoid Ghosting a Person
by Lisa Shea - 11/11/21 06:22 PM
Go To A Museum
by Lisa Shea - 11/11/21 06:17 PM
In Sickness and in Health
by Lisa Shea - 11/11/21 05:05 AM
i like my ex's friend
by Lisa Shea - 11/11/21 05:03 AM
Getting Closer to a Sibling
by Lisa Shea - 11/11/21 04:59 AM
Daily Yoga
by Lisa Shea - 11/11/21 04:54 AM
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!
Forum Areas
Non-Romance Relationships
Does He/She Like Me?
Dating
Long Term Partners
Breaking Up
Health and Exercise
Organizing and Cleaning
Stress Reduction

Newsletter
Forum Guidelines
This forum takes web safety issues very seriously. Please make sure you have read and understood our Forum Guidelines before posting.
Advertising
Support Our Friends
The Animal Rescue Site
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5