RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up 7 weeks following break up - now i need help!

Hi all

I need some advice and I really do want to try to get back together with my ex.

We were together for 2.5yrs. Both of us now 28. It was his first relationship and I was cool with that as he was such a nice bloke. It didn't freak me out at all.

Yes we had our ups and downs, more ups than downs though which is good. Sometimes yes we did have the odd argument, but, we always got things back on track.

We moved in together over a year ago. I loved him so much, and he told me he loved me too.
Last year I decided to go to Uni and then had problems with my health and ended up in hospital. He witnessed everything and I could tell he was so scared.
My life changed, had to leave Uni as unable to attend for 2 months, also had to refrain from driving for 6 months.
I went back to work and everything seemed ok. I was enjoying work, looking forward to life after the scare I had, thought everything was fine.
We shared a nice Christmas together, made plans for the coming months.
Then on Feb 12th, after a normal day, normal week, we went out for dinner, went to the cinema, then to a bar where he finished with me. Just like that. Said we have nothing in common. That he isnt happy. Obviously i left.
The next day he sent me a txt to confirm it is over and that he wanted to move out. Said he no longer loves me.

Well to say it was a blow out of nowhere is an understatement. He came over that night and said it all again but it just did not make sense to me. I kept asking over and over so i could try and understand but it didn't work as i still don't understand 7 weeks later and i still feel i cannot ask anymore. He moved back to his parents house and i still live in the place that used to be our home.
When he collected his things he seemed so sure he wanted to go, which hurt me alot.
Two weeks later i needed some forms completing, things seemed to go well, he didn't stay long.
A couple of weeks later he came over for dinner and watched a dvd, again, things seemed to go well.

But now nothing. I want to make it clear that since the initial SHOCK of the break up, ie that first week, I have not asked him about our breaking up, I have not asked him to come back nor has he seen me cry.

Instead I have booked a holiday to NZ, I live in UK, I have entered a charity event for June, I have been out to different places and had a party or two at mine. I cannot chase him and nor will I, I know this will make him run away.

I know time is a healer, and I know things will either work or they wont. The last contact between us was 4 - 5 days ago and i need someone to help me. I don't want to talk to my friends, they dont need to hear me talking about it constantly as they know him too.
But I love him, so very much, and It is clear he wants space, but how do I start the whole "be friends" thing, as without seeing him or talking to him he wont ever remember how we used to have fun etc.

Thanks to anyone who can help me.

Jellybean -

It is REALLY odd that you had no sign it was coming, that he didn't talk to you about things he wanted to be different or issues he had or anything like that. You would think he would have given hints that he was unhappy.

If you have asked him what was wrong and he can't even tell you, then that there is even more odd. He should at least be able to give you some ideas of things you could work on (from his point of view).

I know this is hard to think about, but things couldn't have been that great if he felt this drastic step was required. He must have been unhappy but unwilling to talk about it for whatever reason. So you could say that the biggest issue in the relationship is that you guys weren't communicating regularly. You had gotten to the point that something huge and serious could be in the middle and it wasn't talked about at all.

So if nothing else, you could make that something to work on going forward - finding ways to communicate openly and healthily with your partner, so you always have a sense of how they are feeling and what you could be doing together to make you both even more happy.

Hello Jellybean.

What a strange and sad story.
I agree with both yourself and with Lisa, that it is difficult to understand how this could have come from out of nowhere.

Either he had problems all along, and was hiding them, or something happened to change things in his eyes.

You were together for about 2.5 years and living together for one of those years.

Sometimes when people actually move in together, they see new sides of each other. Sometimes this is fine; sometimes not. Maybe he just found that living with you was something he didn't enjoy as much as he thought he would. This can happen, through no fault of anyone.

Alternatively, maybe seeing you ill and vulnerable frightened him so much that it frightened him off. I know that it can be very difficult for men to see their partners like this. It was very difficult for my husband when I was ill. He stuck with me, which was brilliant, but I know that it was a very hard time for him ~ and I know other men, who have been frightened off by problems like this.

Or maybe you just didn't know him as well as you thought you did, and he wasn't the man you thought he was.

Whatever the case, this could well be a blessing, because you need your life partner to love you and to want to be with you ~ through thick and thin.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult and confusing time, but this may be for the best. Good luck