RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Long Term Partners How do you decide when to give up on a marriage?

I feel like I can relate to what you are saying. I know that with my first husband if I could have had an experience like that, and if it would have come out like that; it would have made a huge difference in my feelings about our relationship. May I suggest that what you felt was loved. Sometimes our relationships get to the point that you don't even know that what you need is to feel loved.

You know what? I think you are absolutely right. How weird that I can't even interpret feeling loved.

That kind of blows me away. I guess it's been so long since I really felt that, deeply, inside.

Okay...

First off, I will not be worrying too much about grammer on this one because it's just too big. I'll just bang away and get it out.

I was married for 17 years to a great woman. We had two children and achieved a nice, comfortable middle class income in one of the most desirable areas of Canada. We were in our early 40's when things went wrong.

Susan and I were most likely a mis-match from the start. Our sex life was never great from the beginning, but I had decided that that may not be such a bad thing. I had several relationships before Susan (one 5 years long) where sex was always amazing. I decided that sex may not be that important considering that all relationships prior to Susan had ended in failure. I rationalized that sex wasn't the most important ingredient in keepinf two people together.

Susan and I married...started a life together...had children and lived a pretty nornal life.

Susan and I had our ups and downs like everyone else I suppose. We had times of great closeness and times when we couldn't stand one another. Pretty much standard I think.

We had three occassions where Susan wanted to split. I kept things together - or convinced her to - for the kids. I thought it best to keep our family together. And with time, things always worked out.

In 2007 we were living in an amazing area in the Okanagan in British Columbia. We had our dream house, nestled in among the vineyards surrounded by mountains. It was perfect. And...we were probably the happiest we had ever been.

Then things went wrong.

Susan befriended our son's teacher, Collette. Our families began to socialize quite a bit. We usually had food and wine as a component of our gatherings and things were usually quite festive. Things were awesome!

Eventually, Collette began to flirt with me. This was totally unexpected by myself, but I was totally taken in by her. Collette was an exceptionally beautiful brunette with big brown eyes and she was perfect in my eyes. She was very intelligent, charasmatic and sexy. I had always admired her, but never thought much beyond that.

Anyway...she began to flirt with me and things escalated over time. We developed very strong feelings for one another. Yet...we never persued things beyond an emotional affair.

Eventually, Susan found out about this and decided to pull the plug on our marriage. I can't blame her for her decision. SHe was right to do this because I betrayed her. I betrayed our family. Her decision was just.

That's what it looks like from the outside anyway. But that was three years ago, and I have had a long time to consider things and try to put things into perspective.

Susan and I were not truely happy with our relationship ever. That's the truth. We decided to take the high road and stay together for the kids and for our lifstyle. We managed to keep it together for 17 years.

After our divorce, we both moved back to Ontario. It isn't anywhere as nice as BC. It's pretty gross actually. But...here we are.

Since our split, I have lost my mom and brother (my last remaining family). I have folded my business and now work for someone else. I have lost my house and am claiming bankruptcy.
Life has gone in the toilette.

After Susan and I split, I went on a wild sexual rampage and had a really great time. I met a lot of amazing women and learned about what I had been missing in a 17 year marriage without passion and sexual closeness. It's a huge thing to live without.

I have suffered and my kids have suffered a lot too. Susan has as well. I wouldn't do it again if I had the chance, but it happened and there's not too much I can do to change that.

Life will get better I believe. But, things can change so fast. Think about what you have and if you want to lose it.

I just started a new job about 6 weeks ago, before that I had been let go from my previous job in March of 2009, struggled to find a new job and ended up with a temp job that was supposed to turn perm after 6 months... the 6 months came and went, and then I found my current job.

My husband has been miserable with his job for over a year and a half now - really down in the dumps, not interested in doing anything which includes working out, meeting people, having fun, etc. I have tried to encourage him to get out and do things, find a new job, etc. but none of that has worked. I told him i thought he was depressed, because I know what it feels like and looks like to be depressed (I've been there and seeked counseling that really helped me out) - but he told me he didn't need that.

Needless to say, things have been rough for us over the past year or two. I turned to drinking when I lost my job and almost lost control - trying to get a hold of that now - but still run into problems when things get too hard for me to control - like now. My new job requires me to travel around the world. I had my first trip 2 weeks ago - I was gone for 15 days... and I loved it. and I can't wait to get back out on the road. This bothers him, along with the fact that I said my job might take me places around the world if any advancement opportunities arise in the future. I told him I was considering it as a possibility down the road. Again - he didnt like that.

Ugh - I don't know where to even start. I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. We've been together 11 years and I'm only 28. I don't know if I made the right decision. I don't feel like we're on the same page anymore and we've tried talking about things, but I have a feeling it's too late. I've been the hold up with kids and with me wanting to travel and maybe move out of the country for work that just puts things farther back - kids wise. I need some input - I will provide additional details if questions are asked.

Welcome to the forum. Hope we can help you sort thru this.

You have got to figure out what you want. Do you want this marriage to work? What if you suddenly lost your wonderful job you have now?

How much did drinkng have to do with the 15 days that you loved? Sorry blunt question but I know where you are coming from.

Did you ever love you husband and why? Do you have the courage and strength to stand by him while he sorts out his life?

Mem usually don't "need" counseling until their life blows up in their face. Then they feel the counselor is bias.

Do you want kids, ever. Does he want kids. Just wondering if this is an issue.

Sorry I didn't have any input, just questions.

Hi MW1
Welcome to the forum.
I hope that we shall be able to help.

I have started a completely new thread for your concerns. Hopefully you may get more input there.

Here it is:
New Job/Depressed Husband , Marriage/Future/Kids?
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/396906#Post396906

I have quoted your post there and also BLR's response.

This forum and its members (removed)!

Marko, I am sorry you feel that way. I hope I didn't offend you.

Argyll - I'm confused, why are you upset?

MW1 had questions - we attempted to answer them.

You did not have questions, you posted a story for others to learn from. We read your story.