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jilly Offline OP
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When you are in a relationship that isn't really what you or your mate thought they wanted, how do you know when to get out of it? How many times do you try again? Does a marriage counselor work?

Does anyone have experience in these matters?

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I am very lucky to be in a happy marriage, but no marriage is always perfect, and, if you love each other, and want it to work, it's worth trying to save.

On the other hand, I know of couples who really just were never meant to be. They divorced, amicably, and went on to find happiness with other partners.

When boyfriends and girlfriends split, we kind of expect it & accept it. We realise that they must have discovered that, for them, it wasn't meant to be forever.

However, once couples have taken the step into marriage, it is assumed that they should keep trying.

So, the question is, does this couple feel that they made a mistake in marrying?
Would they be better off as just friends ~ or even strangers?
Do they both feel the same way?

If so, then maybe it's time to call it a day.
But I am no expert, so if the couple wants to do everything they can to try to save it, then I'm guessing that marriage guidance would be a good thing to try.

Also, I would always recommend the books of John Gray to couples who want it to work, but for whom there seem always to be arguments and misunderstandings. His books (the Venus & Mars series) help explain the differences between the thought processes of men & women ~ and also what they mean when they speak and how they are interpreted when they are heard.

My husband & I rarely argue, but I used to find that we didn't always seem to understand each other's actual words. It sounds weird. We both speak the same language, after all! But men & women interpret things differently. 'Women Are From Venus & Men Are From Mars' was really useful in this area. (I also think that some women think in a more male way, & vice versa, so the books can help with all sorts of misunderstandings.) There are also other books on the subject, by other authors.

I sound as though I work for Gray & am on commission! But not at all!! I just bought some of his books & found them very interesting & useful. I'm guessing that they would be available at the library.
Here is the website:
http://home.marsvenus.com/

Last edited by PDM; 12/07/09 09:16 AM.

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Jilly - yes marriage counseling really works, as long as you have a good counselor. My first husband and I went to a counselor. The truth of the matter was that we truly loved each other but had issues that we could not reconcile.

I realized at about the fifth session that my counselor was counseling for divorce and was preparing me for this eventual end to my marriage.

I continued on with counseling for about a year after I got divorced. This counseling helped me more than anything in my life. We live with so many shadows of other times and other people that sometimes we loose who we really are in those shadows. Counseling helped me realize that I wanted to find who I am. You have to remember that I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to please my parents. I spent the second 18 years of my life trying to please my spouse. I was not successful at either one. Things got so much better after I decided to please myself.

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I think PDM gave a pretty extensive breakdown of what you need to ask yourself. But 3 witnesses are better than 1 I suppose.

First off, it's difficult. There's no decisive answer, and no one can tell anyone what is best. Every situation in everyone's lives is different. No one knows truly what 2 people are going through. With that being said, objective perspective help you, but I think they help you to understand and see what is really going on inside of you.

Second, if there is any doubt, I think it should be worked through. For one, you made a promise. I'm one who believes in standing by my word, it shows integrity. If you haven't got the words you speak, you have nothing. Promises shouldn't be broken unless all possibilities have been exhausted. Secondly, there's a lot at stake. Divorce is difficult, a lot of people get hurt in the process including yourself.

Now. How do you know when to get out of it? I think you'll know. A counselor can help see what's deep down, to realize what's there. A counselor can also help with the guilt that will definitely follow, the regrets that will be there no matter how easy, smooth, and mutual the split was.

If there's children though... I'd say that makes things different. I can't give opinion to that because I haven't spawned yet.

I will say though, that there was a period with me and my husband where we pushed every button we had. Purposefully and spitefully. No lie, this went on for a year straight. It was terrible. There was resentment, hatred, anger, and very bad words exchanged. Things were dug up that shouldn't have been, and there was a lot of pain.

It took us breaking up for me to realize that what we were doing was wrong. That we really loved each other, we were just going through a trial battle of the wills. We only stayed apart for a week! Neither of us could take it. We've been happy ever since. But I don't think we'd have been there if we didn't split first, and take a step back.

With that said... maybe a split before a definite divorce is best?

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jilly Offline OP
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These are excellent questions, all, and I am so appreciative you took the time to lay things out for me. I have been giving this thread a great deal of thought.

We've had two long periods of separation, Nikki. It didn't really help when we got back together - we pick up right where we left off, even if six months ago. frown

No kids; we don't have any interest in them. The pets are mine.

I have no idea how to find a counselor we could afford. There seem to be some inexpensive online ones, and there is a free telephone Christian one (we are not religious). That's about as far as i have got so far.

The meditating each day for five minutes together seems to be helping. Also relieving my anxiety with atavan is a big help for us - letting me just not care enough about things to get worked up or argue.

I will have to take another look at the mars and venus books. I think i have them in storage in CA (which we will be emptying out this january).

I do want to give this marriage every chance i can, but i also know this is our last effort. Neither of us want to continue this anymore if things don't change for the better.






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I'm curious how you feel about this, now that some time has passed. Do you feel differently about the situation?


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jilly Offline OP
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Strangely enough, things have been really good since I had that anxiety attack (not long after my last post in this thread, in fact).

I'd never had one before and it was confusing to both me and dan. He was great though - he sat there with me on the bed, stroked my legs and held my hand. It was so unlike him to be so gentle and caring in the face of an emotional display.

Since that time i feel like some kind of long-term wall fell down. I feel like I can trust him somehow, in a way I couldn't before. He says I am acting different, more pleasant...but it's because I feel he showed something inspiring, something I could respect in him. It's hard to explain. It's made a huge difference.

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It is sad that you had the anxiety attack - but it is very good that something good resulted from it.


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I was married for 17 years and have 2 beautiful children that kept it going for a lot of those years. How long do you keep going? That is a question that only the two of you can answer.

I have a very long story to tell if you want to hear it. It will illustrate how things can develope and change in the blink of an eye which can change your life in ways you never thought possible. It will be a long story to write...but I will if you're interested.

MArko


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jilly Offline OP
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Marko, I would be interested to hear your story if you are willing to share!

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