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#395394 02/11/10 11:52 PM
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Well,I`ll sum up the whole thing.My ex and I broke up 5 weeks ago.On the 18th February,we should have celebrated our 1 year anniversary.We`ve had a rough time around Christmas and an argument,but we managed to get back together on New Year`s.Basically,he claimed that I give more attention to my friends[ especially and old friend of mine,who is my best boy- friend] than i give to him,because I talk really nice about them and such.I have a special way of talking,that I make events look bigger than they are and very significant,even if,they don`t mean that much.But,the thing is that I say even prettier things about him,when I speak with others.

Anyway,a week after New Year`s,he texted me saying things were over between us[that week was hectic at school and we didn`t get to see each other that much]I called him and he seemed pleased that we managed to say the things that bother us.Somehow,I thought things would get better.The next day,we met,I started crying [thing which I regret so bad] and that was it.I sent a few emails,and we had another argument a week after.He insisted on the fact that he really wanted a complete relationship,in which he was the first person I`d go to instead of my girlfriends,that he wanted to feel free to open his heart in front of me without having second thoughts,like what is she going to thing after this,or will she still like me.But he didn`t do that because I didn`t start confessing first.So,he assumed I didn`t trust him enough.He said that I`d be okay without him,that he`d go to college and I`d forget and heal.Also,he replied that he was happy because he didn`t receive affection,feelings,so he didn`t have to give back.that he is an insensitive person and if he knew that by leaving meant hurting me,he wouldn`t have fallen in love with me.

Furthermore,he has exams this year and has a lot to learn so he can get into med school.So,more stress!

Since then,we haven`t spoken,excepting a few comments on facebook.

I`m confused because I don`t know what he is thinking,what he is feeling anymore. I suppose he wants to let me recover by disappearing completely.

I`ve started wearing a pretty mask in front of everyone for 3 weeks,and it feels better,I guess.

Alice #395396 02/12/10 12:06 AM
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Hi Alice,

It is not uncommon for a boyfriend to develop some jealousy over his girl's friends. And sometimes it is true that one can connect with their friends in a way that one cannot connect with one's significant other. It is a different kind of relationship, and a different kind of love, and usually, it is so understood that that kind of relationship and that kind of love is not a threat to the romantic relationship between boyfriend and girlfriend, that no issue ever arises.

However, there are a few select men who are insecure enough to feel threatened by this kind of relationship. And I know that this is probably not what you want to hear, but generally, once you discover that that's who you are dating, you should run in the other direction.

Women nowadays are more or less taught to think that it's sweet when a man is protective of her. And it is. But there are limits. This kind of jealousy is not rational, and therefore it crosses the line into possessiveness, which is not OK. It sounds to me like this guy is not willing to share you with anyone, which forces you into a position that no one should be forced into.

And I know how much getting out of a relationship stinks, but the bad feelings will pass, and you will find a man who's more understanding of the fact that you can't halt your life for him and sever all ties with the people who came before him.

I'm sure this guy had plenty of good qualities--otherwise you wouldn't have tried so hard to stay together--but try not to spend all of your energy grieving your relationship with him. Instead, be thankful that he showed you who he really is, take a look at yourself and think about whether or not there is any truth to what he said, and then find yourself a man with a little more self confidence.

Good Luck! smile


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Thanks a lot for your reply.I didn`t expect one so fast.
Well,you really have a point in there and I must say,I took my time to think about that a bit.

He never gave me the impression that he wanted to control every movement I made or every contact with the others.That thing came up only in our after Christmas argument.
I could not believe his insensitiveness excuse.It seems unreal to me to fake happiness so well that your closest person does not see it.He said in our last fight that he was insensitive and he felt happy in our first months of relationship.After that,seeing myself attaching and sharing his feelings,he decided to show me that he was happy.Furthermore,he wished the others could see my sensitive side and know me the way he does.The part with I wished I never hurt you by loving you,I`ve already mentioned in the first post.

By not believing,I thought that my relationship with an old friend,Paul,was the real issue...we are very close,but I don`t feel anything for him.Plus,he has a girlfriend,who is in the same class with my ex.

I really don`t know.
Letting go is both weird and hard,as it is my first real relationship,my first love.
For the moment,I am determined to wait a while and see how things evolve...with me,my feelings and him.

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Hi Alice

I agree with Lora that 'It is not uncommon for a boyfriend to develop some jealousy over his girl's friends ~ especially male friends' and that this can sometimes be a problem. I also agree with her that you might consider 'whether or not there is any truth to what he said'.

Maybe he doesn't realise that you really care about him? Did you let him know that you cared?

And your ages might be a factor. Are you teenagers? Teenage hormones can cause all sorts of emotional reactions.

I am wondering about this:
Quote:
He insisted on the fact that he really wanted a complete relationship, in which he was the first person I`d go to instead of my girlfriends, that he wanted to feel free to open his heart in front of me ....

I suppose that I can understand him hoping that you would turn to him, first, if you had a problem, or something like that ~ but sometimes girls understand other girls better.

But why does he not feel free to open his heart to you?
Is he worried that you will tell your friends about him or about personal aspects of your relationship?


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #395405 02/12/10 01:12 AM
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I`ve always told him I loved him and with the feelings part,I`m sure we both feel the same.
I am 17[18 in summer] and he is 19.

That`s the part where I made mistakes,I think.I told him what happened with me and such,but my girlfriends were the ones who knew first,cuz I considered those stupid things,useless whining with school,homework,stress.I just didn`t want to add more to his list and hear me complain.But now,I think maybe that was the thing he wanted;to feel the need to help me,not only to receive my support.

His parents split up when he was 7,and he`s a bit of an introvert when it comes to confessing.He lives with his mother,but he still misses the presence of his father,although they see each other often.I just don`t think it`s the same with having him near you at every hour.
He acts like that only when it comes to his deepest feelings and emotions.Otherwise,he`s very sociable,funny,cracking jokes most of the time.
I don`t think that he was afraid that I was going to say something.Maybe he felt that I didn`t care,as he was not that first person...

Last edited by Alice; 02/12/10 01:16 AM.
Alice #395441 02/13/10 12:05 AM
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I think that we sometimes forget just how sensitive teenage boys can be. Girls are meant to be sensitive, but boys are 'supposed' to be macho. Not all are. This boy may need to feel especially secure in your love, because of his parent's break up. He sounds like a nice lad smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #395443 02/13/10 12:29 AM
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Alice Offline OP
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He is really special.
And now I`m stuck.I just don`t know what to do.I don`t think that telling him everything will be alright can change the situation.Maybe it will turn it even worse.In these moments,I think he needs to feel he has everything under control.
I sure hope this "game of silence" between us leads to something good.At least,be friends.
All in all,I will be there for him with the exams and such with supportive words[as much as he allows me],and try to let him know that he has a person in whom he can trust and talk to,when he is down.

Alice #395489 02/14/10 01:43 AM
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You can only do your best.

Maybe a Valentine card, with a nice letter inside, explaining how you feel?
Could that be a good idea???


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #395491 02/14/10 02:03 AM
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I don`t think it will work.He knows I love him and that won`t go away that easy.Saying it again and again might make him feel worse because he makes me suffer.
But,I`ll take advantage of the fact that he has an speaking exam to test the language skills on Monday,so tomorrow,I`ll text him with good luck or something like that.
I`m out of other ideas

Last edited by Alice; 02/14/10 02:25 AM.
Alice #395516 02/14/10 05:17 AM
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Yes, try that and see how it goes smile
Good luck!


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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