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#391511 12/14/09 05:36 AM
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Hiya,

First time poster, first time reader too :P

(Skip to line for short version)

This will probably be quite lengthy so kudos to those who read it all, and apologies if I've wasted your time with my small time problems :P

I'd just like to say before I start that I've never done something like this, so please be easy on me. The reason why I'm posting here is because I was googling "Dealing with Jealousy" and it lead me here as it were. You see (well not yet) the reason why I was googling that topic is because I've gotten into a rather difficult position with a (lets say a friend of the opposite gender) friend of mine.

Before I get to the actual issue, I think it best if I describe myself. I'm 17, I've just finished my high-school year (In Australia) and have already been offered a course in mechanical engineering for uni. Anyway, I'm rather smart, and highly analytical (I think this is my undoing) I find it hard to open up to others (Till I post this) and thus, even harder to trust others, I have a very loose relationship with my family, they hardly know me, at home I'm very quiet. Yet at school or while I'm out I tend to be quite boisterous, this is had gotten the attention of many fine young ladies (I've never had a girlfriend, or been in a relationship) which, sadly I've never been able to develop feelings for any of them. I've felt alone since a young age, and still am, sometimes I just think I'm a very hormonal male :P, or a drama queen. Many of my male counterparts try to 'hook me up' but I deliberately beat around the bush with them, I'm simply not looking for a relationship like that, I crave an emotional relationship none of that one night stand crap (which they seem to think I want).

Sorry, got abit off topic.
Anyway, three years ago I met this girl (yeah yeah, it's how it always starts isn't it?) She's a very inquisitive person and thus when she talked to me I figured she was intrested in me (She wasn't) We'd talk online for ages, and for 2 years I never told her I felt, and when I did she pulled the just friends thing (Kinda an issue for us). This continued for another year, our relationship progressed healthily and I knew that I'd found someone that could understand me. Anyway, a couple of months ago we had a really big fight that lasted for 4months, I thought I was over her, I was over her and I knew that I could start living happily again (we grew far too dependent on each other, or perhaps that was just me). One night she spoke to me (via msn, we do alot of that all nighters and such) asking how I was and other small talk, she said she needed me, that I was missed, that things didnt feel right. I however felt differently, I was free of her, you know? I felt like my life could come back together and I could be happy again. Yet, for whatever possessed me to do so, I lied to her for the first time (I'm a bad liar, and she knows it) I told her that I missed her too ect... After that we grew closer again, closer than before. (I thought I was strong enough to just be friends with her, albeit close ones) I wasn't, and I despised her for it, opening old wounds and seemingly being purposely insensitive. (She started dating my friend, from the same group we hang out in, yes she was dating a friend) I told her I needed time to think, that I was hurt because she seemingly lied to me and used me until she could find someone else that was 'better'. Anyway, a couple of weeks later she called me crying, telling me that she was sorry for hurting me, that she couldn't stand to loose me (That she was sorry for not being there while I was 'changing'). Despite all that, she's still going out with this guy.

That's not the end of it either,

You see, he doesn't talk much (to her) and hardly ever does anything for her (She's told me she feels like he doesn't care), he doesn't treat her right, and yet she's still going out with him, I think it's because she's a highly curious person and wants to 'figure him out'. When they're around each other, it's incredibly frigged, things are strained and all he wants to do is 'get with her' (He's a player). It's like, he wants her to do all the work in the relationship and get all the good stuff that comes with it.

Anyway, heres where I come in.

Things were pretty rocky with him and her for awhile (He went away for 2 weeks on holiday) and as girls do, she shifted her attention to me once again, I was seeing her almost every night/day (One of her friends was with us). A couple of nights I'd stay over at her house, or she'd stay over at mine. Things got real close (We didn't 'sleep' with each-other). Now, when I said I've felt alone, I'd always dreamed of just being able to hold someone and comfort them, she gave me that for a week (I'm not sure if she knows how much that meant to me, she's over-affectionate sometimes and doesn't think) Anyway, he came back from his holidays and I heard nothing from her for two days (No I didn't suffocate her with texts and such). I figured I'd give them some space, anyway she came over one night and we were going to bed, she talked to me about all the things she was worried about concerning her relationship with this guy) She was lying on my chest and once again told me that she needed me, that I shouldn't ever 'stop my heartbeat for her'. At this point I started stroking her arm because she asked me too, after awhile I noticed she was shaking? Shivering? So I stopped, thinking I shouldn't do something that would overstep boundaries. She asked me to keep going, (I think I gave her butterflies or something, could someone explain this to me?) Anyway, I stopped after about 1hour of it, and asked her if she wanted me to move to the couch or something. She didn't want me too, and we talked for awhile.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The next day she left early, and spent the entire day with her boyfriend, and ignored me for the next week and a bit. (we had a valedictoy a few parties and such) At those parties they'd both be there, talking to each other uneasily, (She seemed cranky, thought ridden and confused). I'd come over and things would be natural, we could've talked the whole time and it would've been easy. Things have been seeming to spark between us like they haven't before. Yet, we couldn't because her boyfriend (also my "friend") would come over and it'd be all uneasy again and I'd just leave and go off to try talk to other girls (She'd eavesdropped on me).

Anyway, when her boyfriend left, she immediately seemed interested in me once again (Why do girls do this? It makes us feel like [censored] you know). I know she's been having trouble making time for me and her boyfriend separately, but it seems as if when things aren't right between her and him she just comes to me and then buggers off when they're fine again.

Anyway, things have been weird between us since that night, I think I know why, but I'm not sure. Could it have been because she saw potential in our relationship to go further? And thus felt guilty, so she's been over the top with her boyfriend (inviting herself over)? I've tried to talk to her about it, but she's made up some crap excuses, like she's trying to deny it. It's screwing with my head, I don't know what she wants ( I don't think she does either) and I sure as hell know that I wont be able to find anyone else while I'm friend with her. I do the things that her boyfriend wont do for her, if you saw us in public you'd think we'd be going out.

I just want to know whether I should get my hopes up or not?

Thanks,

Fer.

(I'm not sure if I've made myself clear so just tell me if I havent and I'll explain)




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Edit: - Not 4months (4 weeks)

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Fer welcome to the forum - you won't like my answer, but here goes. Put this all on hold until you get to university. Your life is going to change so much that you need to be ready to move into your new life. It sounds like she is playing head games with you because she can. Quit playing. Your are smart enough to know what is going on. She wants a backup until she makes up her mind. That leaves you waiting; and as long as you will wait she will leave you waiting.

She has the best of both worlds right now, someone to comfort and sooth her and someone to excite her. Quite being half of the equation.

Last edited by BLR; 12/14/09 09:35 PM.
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Hello! Welcome to the forum! I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

I agree with BLR! :] I think you should wait until you get to your University that you're going to. Your life is going to change. This girl seems very confused and lost. BLR is right once again. She has the best of both worlds, but she has to get it through her head that she can't have two guys. You seem like a very smart person, Fer. I say you don't need this. I say another girl out there who will appreciate your good heart deserves your kindness and compassion and most of all who you are. Right now, it seems like you're being used. If something or someone is making you miserable, get rid of it.

-Jess




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True Blue Soulmate
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Hi Fer

Well, the first thing to remember is that girls ~ like boys ~ are not all the same.

I only recently came across the phrase 'friends with benefits' ~ where friends, who may or may not have a partner, engage in behaviour that others might consider girlfriend/boyfriend activities ~ kissing, cuddling, sleeping in the same bed, talking for hours, flirting, etc, etc. They appear to be in a relationship, but they are not ~ not really. There is affection, friendship, etc, but no romance.
This seems to be what this girl wants from you. You probably fill a gap that her boyfriend leaves.
She has a boyfriend and she has told you that you & she are just friends. This should tell you everything that you need to know. This is not the 'emotional relationship' that you 'crave', but it may appear to be for now.

I agree with BLR and Jessica. You have a whole new world about to open up in front of you. Give yourself the time & the opportunity to enjoy yourself, experience your new life, make new friends ~ and, when the time is right, find the girl who you are looking for. You are only 17 ~ that is still very young ~ so you have plenty of time to find her.

Good luck smile


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Yes, welcome! I agree with BLR to put this all on the backburner for now and get yourself on to University. Your life is going to be completely upended anyway. You may as well allow yourself to start there with a fresh slate and no baggage.

You sound like a nice young man - start thinking of the exciting new directions ahead!

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Thanks for all your help guys, I really appreciate it.
I tried talking to her about it, I told her that I couldn't handle whatever it is she wants from me. That I think we should stop, and distance ourselves because clearly I'm not happy. Anyway, I think it went in one ear and out the other because nothing seems to have changed, the further I try to distance, the closer she tries to come. I'm thinking of making a clean break in the near future, even if she hates me for it, after-all it's my happiness a stake.

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Fer - Yes it is your happiness. She will keep trying to keep you hanging and waiting because she has the best of both worlds (at your emotional expense) and does not want to give that up. It is going to be entirely up to you because she is not the one that is hurting.

Good Luck - It can be really hard when someone you care about plays these kind of games.

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Originally Posted By: Fer
...I'm thinking of making a clean break in the near future, even if she hates me for it, after-all it's my happiness a stake.

I agree that this could well be your best move.

Good luck.


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Right - people act in a way that makes them feel good. It makes her feel good to have you around as a back-up. Why would she give that up? She has a great thing going right now. She has two guys so if one is cranky, she just turns to the other one.

You need to look out for you. You've already tried the talking route. You need to make it more clear and cut the umbilical cord.

I know it can be hard to find a good partner before university, because you're just "stuck" with a random assortment of people who probably do not share any interests. You'll find it is really different in university. Now you'll be with people who all chose that university for similar reasons. I bet you'll find females who are good matches for you there. Hang in there!


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