RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up I am a cheater and cannot stop

This is my first time making a post on any web site. I am a 29 year old divorced mom. I got married when I was 19 after cheating on my soon to be husband twice. When I tried to break up with him he said it was too late and that we had no choice we had to get married. Being young and nieve I married him knowing that one day we would be divorced. After seven (miserable) years and three children later I met a wonderful man, we worked very well together and I could talk to him very easily. I cheated on my husband with him and left my husband for him. Shortly after I had a one night stand with an old friend (I did not tell my boyfriend) and had three more with in 3 months of us being together. After the last one I realized how much my boyfriend ment to me and did not want to hurt him so I stopped and told him I loved him. I swore to myself I would never let it happen again.

We were very happy for the next 6 months. Then I had a temporary move for work, I would be gone for 5 months. The first three months were good, we talked every day emailed back and forth, I missed him so much. Then I became friends with another man, we started as just friends hanging out after work and working on projects together. I was not really attracted to him but when he "hit on me" I did not say no and we ended up together. At the same time my boyfriend had to travel for his job and found out he would not be home when I got back home. I lied to my boyfriend, telling him nothing was going on, but we started fighting constantly. I even broke up with him, but I could not stand not talking to him even for 24 hours.

My cheating was tearing me up, I broke it off and told my boyfreind about it and the one night stands I had at the beginning of our relationship. He was very upset and hur but he said we could work though it and we worked very hard at it for the next 6 months. One of the questions he would always ask but I could not answer was why I cheated on him. To this day I cannot answer that question.

After 6 months of working very hard at our relationship, we were both madly in love with each other. Then I again recieved news that I would be sent to another location for work, this time I would be gone for almost a year. I did not want to leave him and yet I saw this as an opportuniy for me to prove to myself and to him that I could be trusted and build our relationship. I was confidant that I could be faithful. I even asked him to marry me 3 months after I left and he said yes. I was very excited about being with him and getting to spend the rest of my life with him.

4 months later I began having to work with another man. We worked well togeter, he was married and we talked about our families and the stress our jobs place on our families. I told my boyfriend about him and my boyfriend warned me to be careful around him. I dismissed his warnings because the man was married. After a few weeks of working together he began making suttle remarks about my body and how if he had met me 5years ago he would have liked to find out what I was like in bed. That is when I began lying to my fiancee about what we were talking about and how much time we were spending together. I ended up sleeping with him even though I was not really attracted to him. We talked about it and agreed that it was only friends with benefits because we both loved our significant others so much. He left a few weeks ago and I realize I did grow to care for him as a friend but regret allowing things to go beyond friendship.

To add to all this 4 months after I left my fiancee was moved for his job and will not be home when I get home. I can no longer hide the fact that I cheated on him AGAIN, I feel overwellmed with guilt. I have not told him directly but I am pretty sure he knows. A few weeks ago I told him I wanted to postpone our wedding because I would not have enough time to plan it when I got home, he agreed. Last night I could not stand not what I done to him, I broke up with him because he deserves a better woman than me. He is a wonderful man who has done nothing but treat me like a queen. He adores me and says he has enough love for both of us. I do love him but I feel that I cannot be the woman to make him happy. He told me that once I figure out what I really want I know how to contact him.

I am scared once I do figure out why I cheat and go to him, he will not forgive me. Even if he does, will I ever be able to gain his full trust? And will he always have insecurities about our relationship?

Munch - welcome to the forum. I didn't really hear a question in your post. It sounds like you know you need help. Get some. This is a problem that goes way beyond just cheating. You need someone to help you sort it out.

You also have children to think about - you need to get to the source of this behavior. Please get help.

This is a complicated situation for you. I feel it would be best to try a psychologist or a professional along those lines. They can help you figure out the answers to your questions of why am I doing this, and am I ever going to be able to stop. This is a behavior, from what I think when I hear your thoughts in my head, that you've become addicted to.

As for him and you, you have to let him make his decisions on forgiveness or severing the ties. You can't know that until you try.

Pee. Ess. The psychologist isn't because you're crazy, but because you need someone with the knowledge and experience to help you figure out your life's puzzles.

Hi munchkin

Yes, I agree with the others.

This doesn't seem to just be a question of cheating on your men; there seems to be something deeper going on.

I recommend counseling, so that you can deal with whatever it is, and go forward, without this constantly affecting your relationships.

Hi Munchkin
You got good advice about getting counseling. I don't know if that is a possibility for you or not but for now,
I will try and offer some kind of comfort or help and just some suggestions, just from my own painful experience. I want to tell you that you are not alone and I do not judge you. I have been in your shoes and know the anxiety and heartache it causes.

I can encourage you and assure you that things can change, you can change and things can be repaired and you can heal. There may well be some underlying root cause to why you do what you do.
And like someone said it may seem like an addiction or compulsion like OCD which is related to a brain chemical imbalance.
You know there can be all kinds of reasons for your behaviour.

From what you have shared here, it seems that you really don't exactly enjoy the aftermath of your behaviour, maybe at the time of action it seems good but afterwards you do have remorse over your actions. I think this says alot about you.
You do not come across as a cold heartless man eater out to conquer every man out there and that you couldn't care less.
You do care and you want to change and you do love your fiancee, so obviously something else is going on within your spirit, your heart.

You can examine at why you give yourself to another physically. How does it make you feel at the time? are you afraid of letting the other person down, does it make you feel good about yourself? do you like the admiration, the feeling of being desired and wanted? Do you get like a high at the time? If so, then this can be related to brain chemicals, such as serotonin, the "feel good" chemicals. People with addictions can be low in these.

These were partly my reasons and I was diagnosed with anxiety and ocd and I had history of abuse in my past by my father. Not sexual, but emotional and just a dysfunctional home environment without much nurturing and I believe it can all be related and explained.

I am just saying this was me, it doesn't mean it's you, but I am throwing out there some things for you to perhaps think about.
You could be sabotaging relationships, because you do not feel you are worthy of being in a safe, loving relationship or you may have trust issues, so you go and cheat before you think your partner will. (not every man cheats, that is such a lie by the way)

The great thing here is that you recognise that something is wrong and you feel pretty cruddy and you want to change.

This was my turning point too. And the fact I really hurt my husband and the whole of my behaviour was self destructive. It was an insentive for me to really dig my heals in and say no more. I now really check myself, my thoughts, my behaviour when I am around men. Even now if some man pays me a compliment or I find attractive, I see it as a deception, that the feeling I may get at the time is temporary and not real.
I have learnt that the feeling of self worth and feeling validated has to come from myself and not from an outside source. Believe it or not, some of this is about self esteem. Alot of this I have discovered by myself and not all from a therapist. I read books and even sought spiritual advice.

I did receive some counselling and went on meds for the anxiety. My husband still is with me and we are still working through things. five years on, trust is still being built, and communication is important.

It sounds like your fiancee loves you for him to allow the relationship to be open for you to contact him when you are ready. There are men out there who are willing to take the risk, their love for us is greater than any outside influence or force and they do not let pride get in the way. This is my husband. He did not leave.

Yes it does take time to trust and your man will probably be on guard, but perhaps you need that, it's like having an accountability partner, like people who are alcoholics or drug addicts. You benefit from having someone like him who is willing to work with you. You do deserve it, it's ok, don't beat yourself up anymore over this. I know I did, I know I hated myself for a long time.

Also Trust has to come from you too, you actually have to learn how to trust yourself. http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Johnston8.html

If you have to give yourself boundaries then that's ok, like I did. You may have to be a bit reserved with men more, not engage in too much personal conversation, or even avoid it altogether until you feel really strong and confident in yourself. It is ok to do that if it means keeping yourself from slipping. To be self aware and to be observant of yourself is important. You may find it interesting as you learn about yourself, how you interact with men, and how you feel.

It is time to forgive yourself and allow your man to forgive you too. You are worthy.
I hope things work out. Get help if you can. Hugs to you.

I agree with the other posters who thought that the best idea is to get some professional help. Please, if you can, try to get yourself some counseling. Maybe for your fiancee, too, to help you get through this together.